Stress Center Peer Support

I saw part of Oprah last night, the show covered some disturbing and unforgivable crimes so if you are easily upset you may not want to read any further. But I found an interesting twist to human victim behavior.

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It was about how older men seduce teenage girls over the internet, and end up raping them.

There were 2 main stories featured, the first was about a 14 year old who was seduced by a 27 year old. She met up with him and he raped her, but let her go back home, I think it may have been one time. She pressed charges and he got sentenced to 9 years in prison.

The second story about a girl the same exact age, although she was seduced by man much older, he ended up kidnapping her and torturing her for 4 days, filmed some of it and sent it to his friends. One of the friends eventually turned him in and she was rescued.

You might be wondering why in the world I'm posting this, and I hope I haven't disturbed anyone by writing this.

What happened was the first girl who was raped and sent back home went into a deep clinical depression and ended up committing suicide. The mother was on the show and said that he "killed" her, that he was solely responsible for it.

The second story, the one who was kidnapped and tortured for 4 days had to watch the videos to identify herself, but later went on to speak to schools, has spoken with congress to try and pass safety laws and plans to work with the FBI in the future. In fact, from the moment she knew she was being kidnapped, she told herself that she was going to do everything in her power to get through it alive.

I just found it very interesting how those 2 different cases ended up. And how the victim with the more severe treatment who was probably going to be murdered if she wasn't rescued, was such a strong person.

It just made me think so much about how this program teaches us that bad things DO happen and the world isn't perfect, but it also teaches us how we can react to many situations. I wondered if the first girl or girl's mother may have had the tools from the program, she might be alive today.

Thoughts?

Hi Shifrah...It does make you think doesn't it. As disturbing as those situations are to think about, they do show something about coping skills don't they, and the drive some people have.

Hi,

I used to volunteer at an organization that dealt with women who were survivors of rape and domestic violence. Three factors that determined a person's success at healing were coping skills, a strong support system, and a strong religious/spiritual faith.

So, you are correct that good coping skills help us overcome tragedies. However, we have to be very careful not to "blame" the victim. Rape is a horrific experience and the perpetrator was clearly the one who was responsible for this tragedy, and it's impossible to compare the survivor who seemingly went through a worse ordeal to the victim who killed herself and went through a seemingly less worse experience. Again, if the lady who killed herself did not receive adequate support-meaning she was blamed for her rape and invalidated by society-that has to be factored into the tragedy. So, although you have a point about coping skills, which definitely matter, please be careful not to oversimplify the situation or blame the girl or her mother. Also, although the girl who overcame the tragedy seemed to be strong and have it together, we have no idea how long it took her to get to that place. You used the word "eventually". The experience of rape can involve symptoms of flash backs and definitely a healthy grieving process-I don't know that this program deals completely with those issues.

In volunteering and reading literature at the organization, there was an analogy that was used to help the survivor deal with the pain of developing trauma because of rape or domestic violence. The analogy was that if a concrete block was dropped on your leg, it would break. No one would blame you as being inherently flawed because anyone's leg would clearly break if a boulder was dropped on it. However, when someone develops trauma after a rape, they are often blamed. After the break, you would then need to get the help, but getting help for rape isn't as easy as going to the doctor and getting a cast-that's just one horrifying aspect-having to be examined by a doctor and humiliated after you've just been violated, and worse yet, the perpetrator can and often does threaten the victim's life if they seek help. Please consider these factors. There is major stigma involved-the police don't always handle the situation properly(rape kits aren't taken), the rape victim has to go through a humiliating examination as I described above, the victim's entire life and credibility is questioned and if the victim is believed then society often blames the victim(What was she wearing? Did she lead him on?, etc.)

This is an extremely sensitive topic with many factors that you may not have thought about. I know you meant well, and good coping skills do matter and this program is beneficial to develop coping skills, but there are many other issues involved.

Take care,
luvpiggy

we have to be very careful not to "blame" the victim.

I'm sorry if you think I was trying to blame or point fingers at the victims. I wasn't. I was using examples about how different people cope with similar traumatic events in their lives.

I could have used cancer as another example, or divorce, or a child's death or any other number of issues that many people are grieved with today. However, I happened to see this program and wanted to share it here. I have no regrets about doing so and I was very careful when I posted it.

It sounds like this subject is very close to your heart and I apologize if you were overly effected by it. I believe you may have overanalyzed what I posted and perhaps searching for something deep that really wasn't there. OF COURSE neither of them deserved any of it. And OF COURSE neither of them could be blamed for what happened, and if you believe there was something I wrote that made you think that, please let me know, because I didn't think that for one minute.

You used the word "eventually". The experience of rape can involve symptoms of flash backs and definitely a healthy grieving process-I don't know that this program deals completely with those issues.

I'm a little confused here. When I used the word eventually, it was referring to the scumbag's friend who "eventually" turned the rapist in, for fear of not wanting to be held responsible if he was found out that he witnessed the crime and didn't say something. I didn't see anywhere else I used that word, unless I'm missing something.

Again I stand by what I've written and have no regrets. I'm not saying that the first girl would have done anything differnt, I was merely making observations. The same way Lucinda has made observations in her book about people handling similar situations differently. It is my hope that anyone going through this program who might go through any type of crises be able to handle it better than they might have before the program.

Three factors that determined a person's success at healing were coping skills, a strong support system, and a strong religious/spiritual faith.

The victim who committed suicide did go through therapy, was on medication and came from a Christian family.

Hi, Shifrah,

First of all, I shouldn't be replying to anyone's post today:(, and I'm going to get off of here for today after this. I have a son with severe autism who has chronic sleep problems that can involve some horrible behaviors at 2 am in the morning which has nothing to do with you. So, I just want to let you know that sleep deprivation is coming into play here on my end, and I apologize.

Also, given the nature of my volunteer work and training, you are right to note my "hypersensitivity" to this issue. I've just witnessed rape victims being treated so horribly and being "blamed" when they don't cope well with such a horrific event , and I know how difficult it is to get the proper help and treatment. Add in the electronic communication and that I read through your post too fast, and that's a recipe for misinterpretation on my part.


Let me first try to apologize for what I did wrong. First of all, you never outright blamed the victim who killed herself, and I never thought that was your intention, and I definitely should have been more clear about that. I've reread what I wrote and see that what I wrote appears that I am certain that that's what you were doing. I really never thought you were intentionally doing that.

Secondly, when I said "eventually", you used the word "later" she went on to speak at schools, etc. I shouldn't have put the word eventually in quotes.

Given everything and all of the mistakes I made in reading and replying to your post, I still think this is a difficult situation to analyze and compare with a host of factors, and there "could" be a level of judgment that comes into play when we compare how two teenage girls handled being raped. I don't know how to quote properly so here's my copy pasted quote from you to show you why I thought what I thought:

"It just made me think so much about how this program teaches us that bad things DO happen and the world isn't perfect, but it also teaches us how we can react to many situations. I wondered if the first girl or girl's mother may have had the tools from the program, she might be alive today."

In your reply back to me you then say: "I'm not saying that the first girl would have done anything differnt, I was merely making observations. The same way Lucinda has made observations in her book about people handling similar situations differently. It is my hope that anyone going through this program who might go through any type of crises be able to handle it better than they might have before the program.."

Those two statements seem a little different, and I promise I'm not trying to get in a war with you by any means, but please understand from what you said in the first quote that I thought you were saying that the first girl would have done differently if she would have had this program. I just thought that was the point of your post, so I am confused by that. I apologize if I'm wrong to be confused.

I know you could have used another example, but I just think since these are teenagers who are so dependent on the people around them to get them help, teach them coping skills, etc. that this is just hard to do. I hope you understand what I mean. I know you stand by it, and that's your right and I don't begrudge you for it, and I'm just sharing with you my "thoughts" regarding using this as an example.

As far as my statement about "coping skills, a strong support system, and strong religious/spiritual faith" as being factors regarding healing from a rape or trauma, I simply thought that I was agreeing with you:). This program would fall under coping skills. Studies do show that those three factors come into play regarding healing, but I am not surprised that a fourteen year old girl who endured rape would still succumb to depression and suicide, and I think that was just my entire motive for replying.

Sorry for my misinterpretation, and miscommunication, but I do see why I thought there was a level of judgment in comparing the two girls' responses, and I did think you were saying that she could have done differently if she would have had the program. I believe you when you say that that's not what you meant though.

Take care,
luvpiggy

You are correct in that we don't know their exact circumstances and I have no doubt that both victims had to endure tons of trauma and flash backs from their events.

Saying that I think some people naturally have those kinds of tools Lucinda teaches that helps them overcome and push through these kinds of events while others (like us) need to learn them and my observation was that it might (might being the operative word here) have helped the first one get through her trauma better.

I hope you can catch up on your sleep.

Choices vs. automatic responses

We all need to learn we have choices especially when "auto" isn't working! That is so hard in this automatic world we live in. Get up, eat, go to work/school, sleep. Holidays/birthdays/Holidays/celebrations/Holidays/etc in between it all.

I think one thing this program has helped me with is knowing the difference, feeling the difference and really appreciating the difference by practicing healthy living.

We are not robots are we!

It is very hard when such tramas happen and people are suffering, alone and scared. I guess that is why we really do need each other (in a healthy way) but especially we need God!

Romans 4:8 "Draw close to God and he will draw close to you"

Thanks all for sharing, there really are real people out there!!!