Stress Center Peer Support

I've just got to give this off my chest. I went to the bottom yesterday after a night of no sleep and having the flu. I drove 45 minutes with my baby to the doctor to find out I had mono which they can do nothing for. They told me I was the opposite of anemic and starting talking about strokes and heart attacks. They tell me I couldn't pick up a heavy load including the baby for 2 weeks and it would probably take several weeks to get over. I had been trying to reach my husband since he left for work at 5 am and his new phone wouldn't ring. Then he was in a meeting at 8 am and I was totally freaked out by then ready to go to the hospital and go back to inpatient treatment. I just lost it. He had to leave work and come home to be with me. I felt awful, like a fraud for letting all this get to me when I had been doing so well. I was so tired and weak and paniced about being alone. If they say adversity shows true character, I truly am a fraud and failure. I just finished the program too. I was praying and praying, but wasn't feeling any better. I feel like I let everyone, including myself, down and disappointed us all. I tried to call my psychiatrist about the not sleeping, and he's out til Friday. I wanted help right then and there- I felt so at the end of my rope. I even wanted to up my antidepressant right then (and then would have probably gotten mad b/c it takes days to get into your system.) I guess it was one of the worst panic attacks I had. I cried all the way home trying to stay on the road and thinking every negative thought you could imagine. And now I'm left feeling like crap and wondering why? what if I face something else? what could I even handle at his point? I guess it's back to the tapes to start over and hit it again. Thanks for letting me pour my heart out. I know it's rambling. Beverly

bevhembree

My God, all that going on, a baby, by yourself and no sleep. You deserve to ramble. Please don't think of yourself as a failure-and sometimes, block out the doctors when they start to ramble...I say that b/c I've been there and I felt like screaming "hello, are you here to help me or hurt me by scaring me....." Do you have family or close friends nearby to help you with your baby so that you can take care of yourself? That's important, b/c if your not feeling well physically and emotionally, how can you be of help with your kid/s? I don't have family near, and when my babies were young, boy the resentment I held b/c I had no help. Use your husband as much as you can, follow the doctors orders and really rest and take care of yourself. As soon as you do that, I swear you are going to start feeling better. Forget about the program and starting it again right now. You need to get your game back so to speak. We all have growth spurts and you know that is all this is. When you come out of this, you will look back and see that big bump you just went over. That's okay. As soon as I finished the program this past June, I needed a breast biopsy! Yes, visions of no hair and telling my children their mommy is sick went thru my head, BUT, it turned out to be nothing, I am fine and I was so proud I went thru that...(you should read my posts then!!). Take care and baby yourself back to better health and don't worry and what if. Hey, what-if you calm down, do your relaxation tape a few times, get well again and feel proud of what you did???

Hi Beverly,
This sounds awful!!!! You poor thing! I too have a small child and I constantly need to feel in control. That is scary that the docotors mentioned a stroke and a heart attacks!!! Who wants to hear that? They must not of known that you have anxiety....cause this could cause me to freak out! My my child was very little i had surgrey on my arm. I could'nt pick her up for about 4 weeks. This broke my heart....I feel for you....don't push yourself. You might face something else like this last panic attack. But then you can think back on this experiance and how you managed through it. It's hard not to think negetive thoughts....I do it without having a panic attack. You may have dissapointed yourself but please try not to be so hard on yourself. I hope you get over the mono soon. Give yourself a big hug!

Dearest Beverly,

My shining star and most reliable cyber friend.. your post broke my heart. I can compeltely relate to you sister (again!)

Your post was like a poison, you poor thing, beating yourself up into a pulp- dont forget about having compassion for yourself!

Its not rambling at all.. we are so here for you, my god, you have done so much for so many of us! I am glad you made it home safely, and the doctor's appointment although alarming, you made it there all alone with your baby, you made it home, upset or not, you did it! you never failed, there was nothing to fail about! I know you have a strong faith in god and feel calm that he is guiding you, I suggest ordering that book Lucinda recommends on tape 3- A quiet mind - sayings by White Eagle- its only $5.00 and I ordered it through Coles, its amazing!

Dont forget because you had a bad night, week, or day doesnt mean it will continue, you control the thoughts, dont let them control you! break it before it starts, get out session 3 sister!

I think your hubby was probably happy to come home to be with you, stop beating yourself up! just stop! one step back can yield 10 forward! just work on that thinking..

Just to relate I want to share the day I had Monday- I had such a bad day I decided at lunch to pray, I prayed God would come take me in lieu of someone who didnt want to or had kids- I dont want to be here anymore.. I had the worst day Ive had in months, I sat at my computer crying all day nonstop and wait, gets much better- my boss called me in for my review- I had a whole presentation for her- every single positive I brought up she shot down with a negative- everything, I didnt get my raise, got no praise and was in tears and voice cracking near the end- my coworker sold me out so she could get a bigger raise, there is much tension between us now (and we share an office) I know I have to leave here now- there is no going back- I was very upset and felt completely unappreciated-- so I decide ok, enough is enough, I went out and got my nails done, had a coffee with a friend.. and then, on my way home feeling poopy still I remembered my prayer earlier that day- within 3 minutes of that thought I hit a huge slushy snowbank drift thing and went flying in my car- I spun completely out of control, 2 donuts and a hard landing on my side in the ditch was my last calm left- I was hysterical and had to call my man (you know that sit too) to come rescue me- I got home at 4 am from sitting basically upside down in a ditch freezing cold, freezing rain and snow- nonetheless I am still recovering but got the lesson, god took my prayer and then spun me around and then asked do you want to go? no..and today I got out my tapes and had a marathon- I feel exhausted mentally and am feeling the negative depression hittng hard in all areas- I want to leave my job and go back on meds but I know deep down this day will pass like monday did-

we need to do this! dont forget about all the good you felt- for heavens sake stop beating yourself up! onwards and upwards.. keep focused and find that stregth deep down, your post made me feel better as like I said I feel the same way- Keep whatifing good!

Please keep your head up, keep fighting and keep reaching out- we are all here for you!

You are a wonderful women who has inspired so many of us others.. you are so insightful and well written, keep that faith you have shown me..

keep in touch and god bless you sister!

God bless you all- you are all so sweet and reassuring!
Maeggie- you poor thing. It's just one thing after another. It feels almost like a test, doesn't it? Just how much more how be heaped on-let's find out.
But you are so right. Gotta keep that head up. There's no other choice. It's hard to remember after what we've faced and come through that we're not super-human- just still human and things will come our way that are tribulations. Just gotta plow through it and keep the faith. I'm thinking of you and praying for you. You hang in there too. Tomorrow will be a brighter day!! Beverly

Hi Bev:

You write so genuine- thank you for your words- yes definitely a challenge isnt it? but hey again like you said, tomorrow is a new day- My boss took me aside this morning and offered me a little more- bringing my raise up to 1.50 for this year- see everything works out eventually and I wasted another week worrying about finding a new job- geez!

How are you feeling? get out the tapes and brush the dust off? you should be really proud of yourself for 'falling' but getting up just as quick, very encouraging!

Take care and please keep in touch!

Maeggie,
Feeling much better over here. Mentally, some anxiety, but overall good. I am looking forward to my 20 year class reunion tomorrow night, so that will be fun. Course, it's 1 am and I can't sleep again- lol.
Glad things are working out at work. You can always bide your time there and keep your eyes open for something better along the way.
You're strong and have a good head on your shoulder. Keep hanging in there and I'll promise to do the same. By the grace of God, we'll make it! Beverly