Stress Center Peer Support

One of my scariest thoughts is that I am going to continue to make decisions out of fear, which I don't want to do. So, when I have to make a decision, I really overanalyze it, which makes me anxious, trying to figure out if I'm making the right decision.

Well, I've about driven myself crazy doing that. So my first question is, how do you know if you are making a decision without fear?

So, in trying to do so, here's where I've landed.

What I thought was a great fear, dating, I actually did. I've gone out with the same guy five times...something I have not done in about three years. I didn't over analyze, I went with the flow and I was very proud of myself.

However, Sunday he introduced me to his daughter and parents...without me knowing beforehand that this was going to happen. Reality kind of sank in quick on that one. And I really started taking a good look at the situation I was/am in.

I went back and forth, until I finally came to the place where I just wanted to get the facts down.

I want someone who is kind of set in life...meaning they have a career, live out of the home, and are independent. He lives with his parents, who help with his daughter, which I understand. He's a single parent and that is difficult. However, he has no problem dropping $250 dollars on a ticket to a baseball game, or better $200 on a Lakers game. I just think this is immature and wasteful. It almost makes me feel like his mom...something I definitely don't want to be.

I'm a creator. I like to make things. I'm a writer for a living and I constantly am doing things on the side. Painting, crocheting, sewing, gardening. And, I want someone who understands that. This guy has shown no interest in doing anything like that. I even tried to show him some of my work and he just didn't seem interested.

I just got to the place in my life where I think I may want children someday. He already has one, a three year old. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I even want it -- as bad as I feel about saying that.

And I've always heard that when you find the right person you will make time...find time for them, because you want to. Well, he isn't very close to the top of my priority list. Actually when I am with him, at least the last couple of times, I've been wanting to do other things.

So, I think I've decided that I'm done. There are just better things I would rather be doing.

It is very difficult to make this decision.
And I still question if I'm making it out of fear. Even though, logically I can see how this isn't what I want. And somehow I feel like I've failed and I don't know how to make that feeling go away. I got anxious when I started thinking about if this is what I really want. And I think that is what is making me doubt myself.

I want to make the right decision. I'm always so scared of making the wrong one. And alot of times, I let my friends influence me. For instance, my friends are like...it's a free dinner. Everyone likes a free dinner.

In my mind,however, it's a dinner with a guy who is genuinely starting to have feelings for me that I am not reciprocating. And I don't think that's fair to either one of us, no matter how many free dinners it brings.

I always thought that the right person would come along when I was ready. This guy did and I've had a good time. I want to believe that another will at some point. I want to wait for the one I want and not feel like I'm doing something wrong by staying single at 30!

I want badly to walk away from this situation feeling good that I accomplished something -- dating for the first time in three years...for a WHOLE MONTH -- but I am not sure how to get there. I feel like I'm failing if I don't keep seeing him, even though it's just not what I want.

Any advice or support?

Sounds like you just aren't that interested in him or he in you. Not everybody likes everybody. Being single is not as bad as being in a bad relationship. Your analysis seems sound and mature. (and I'm a guy) hahaha.

Thanks Don. This isn't an easy decision for me and I appreciate your response.

For what it is worth, the things you want from a man are so common: has his own place not living with parents, a steady job, fianancially stable, mature, etc. You shouldn't settle for less.

I have to ask, did you decide to quit seeing him?

Originally posted by lilsismj:
I want someone who is kind of set in life...meaning they have a career, live out of the home, and are independent. He lives with his parents, who help with his daughter, which I understand. He's a single parent and that is difficult.

I dont judge someone on the fact that they live with thier parents. I lived with my parents till I got married as did my husband. I think its clear that you just dont like this person becuase if you did you would like all the things about them not the superficial things like how he spends HIS money and where he chooses to live. Did you ever stop to consider that first there arent many men out there that are "raising" a child on thier own most dont even care to take on that role. Second perhaps he lives with his parents to give his child a sense of family.

I think you have made this all about you and you alone and thats fine its fairly healthy to live life for yourself but its clear that his lifestyle choices dont meet your expectations and I think you owe it to him to let him go and find a person that will appreciate him for him and the same for yourself.

Good luck
Dodger

yipee! one whole month! great!

i'm glad you both have had fun. it sounds like this has really helped.

as far a how to proceed--i think dodger put it well:

I think you owe it to him to let him go and find a person that will appreciate him for him and the same for yourself.

Peace!

Thank you all for your responses. I did tell him that I didn't want to see him anymore. I told him face to face and said that I just didn't think that we were in the same places in our lives. And, I just didn't think I felt the same way he did. He appreciated me telling him to his face...and we went our seperate ways.

So yes, it is over.

Dodger, while I appreciate where you are coming from, I feel the need to tell you that all the things you said went through my head. I am not insensitive to others. I thought it was very brave of him being a single parent. My sister is a single parent and so was my mother. I have much respect.

However, on the same token, I have also seen sacrifices parents make for their children, in order to make their lives better. Something even more respectable. I gave him credit for what he was doing...however, if he didn't spend HIS money on 250 baseball tickets every week, purchasing a brand new car, making 200 dollar bets on basketball games...perhaps he could be living on his own. I didn't and still don't think he was very responsible as far as money goes.

He also wasn't a very sensitive person to certain aspects. So, no...he wasn't what I wanted and yes it was personal. I have waited this long to be with someone with whom I can share mutual respect, inspiration and values. He didn't fit what I wanted.

He is a good guy. I don't want to put him down, but these are realistic issues that I most likely would have ignored in the past. I try very hard to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and this was not easy for me.

Worrying about how someone spends their money or where they are in life, aren't superficial if you're looking for something serious. If you want a long term relationship, you probably don't want it with someone who blows their money on silly things and isn't at the same place in life that you are.