Stress Center Peer Support

OMG I had this long post written and my two year old deleted it...
okay, attempt number two. I hope everyone can understand this, as it is pretty complicated. For starters, this situation is pretty much the reason why I started this program and it's getting ugly again..HELP!!! Back in August 10 ,07 I wrote a post that explained the situation..let me quote it for you all so you get the general idea..sorry in advance that this will be a long one, but I need to get it OUT and I need advice.

I have six children..four from my first husband and twins from my current husband. There is a fifteen year spand between my youngest of first four and the twins(who are now 15 mos old)
My current hubby and the 15 yr. old do NOT get along! Although he is the one that raised him since age 7. It has been a battle since day 1. God bless my husband for being such a great guy, when most men would have ran along time ago LOL.. Just last June, I sent my 15 yr. old to go live with his father because the situation at home was getting worse. My son would try and entice my husband to fight. My husband is NOT a physically angry person and would NEVER hit my chldren! Not to mention that he absolutely refused to go to the school that is in our district, he wanted to go to school that my older three graduated at. My son is and always has been close to his biological father. And it's no secret that he has always been Dads favorite (spoiled without a doubt) Although he lives 1800 mi. away. They all have a good relationship with him.
With my decision to send him back to his father, I thought I was doing the right thing. He misses him terribly and he doesn't want to live with me (because of step dad). WEll...as of just two days ago, I found out that my ex has purchased an airline ticket for my son to come back and live with my second oldest son! UGH!!!!!! I can't believe he did that! What right does he have to go behind my back and conspire with my older son(who is only 19 and is on his own-with girlfriend for the first time, working hard and making his way into the world) My older son is a responsible person, but he's YOUNG!!! I"M the parent, he's supposed to live with ME! I told my EX under NO circumstances will he move in with is brother. If is comes back here, he WILL LIVE WITH ME..no question about it! He told me that will NOT BE HAPPENING and he's already made arrangements for my younger son to live with the older brother! If I attempt to MAKE him live with me, it will get ugly and he will begin "hating" me. Now folks, I DO believe he will end up running away and me and the older son will have issues. I DON"T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!!! We have always been close and it's not like he's a BAD child, he just doesn't get along with my husbnd.

Okay, so that's was my post in August..WEll, some of the details have changed. My 19 yr old moved back to AZ with his girlfriend. so my 16 year old is now living with my OLDEST son and His girlfriend. The arragement is not working out as nicely as the first arrangement. Now there is alot of stress and arguing. The oldest ones girlfriend never wanted the younger brother there and refuses to help transport my younger son back adn forth to school which is 1 1/2 hrs a day of traveling. She is also having issues with me as she feels it's my responsibility as a mother. well, I didn't even make this whole situation. My ex and second child did. Now it's gotten even uglier adn I'm feeling anxious, panicky, depressed and I feel guilty about all of it. My younger son got his way,(I mean really, what 16+ yr. old dwouldn't want to live with no rules and still be toted around at his leisure?) Well, to help the situation and to make my younger child responsible for what he wanted, I forced him to take the city bus, back and forth to school( the school he is in is in another district technically he shouldn't even be going there) This would eleviate my older son of the trip back and forth each day and it would lessen the arguements between him and his girlfriend. Anyways...I know this is kinda hard to explain, I'm getting frustrated that I'm not able to convey each detail. But what I do know is that this is really getting to me and I really thought that I was getting better and able to control the stress within me. Now I feel like I could burst with panic and I'm afraid. I need some reassurance that I did nothing wrong I guess. HELP!!

Hello Mom of 6!!!

Happy Mothers day! I came from a family of 8 and I think my mother is a saint!! I have two children a 17 year old boy and a 9 year old girl.
My son was five when I married my current husband.

I am going to give you my opinion without knowing all of the details or your specific circumstances. I will write what I believe could be the problem and the solution. Please forgive me if I say the wrong thing or offend you.

First of all children never want their parents to divorce and unfortunately they become the ones who suffer and are the victims of the divorce. Your son could be what is called the identified patient, the one who speaks for the family. He sounds angry and hurt. He acted up since day one. Could be jealousy, anger, fear, I don't know, but it was all directed towards the new man in the house!!! I think the best thing you could do is have him come home to live with all of you and get into some counseling.

I think he needs to know that he is loved and no matter what you are there for him!!!! You may not love his behavior or agree with it but you LOVE HIM!!!!

He made his worst fear come true........you chose the new guy over him! This may not be the truth, but perhaps in his eyes it is.

The kids who need the most love and reassurance are the ones who act up the most and are hardest to give it to because their behavior is so obnoxious.

The key here is to let me know how much he is loved and cherished. I believe you must preserve the relationship with him or he will be lost and angry for a long time.

With my son I need to listen and shut my mouth. We need to keep it brief because that is how boys are. children need to feel HEARD!!!! It is very hard to hear them when they are being rude and disrespectful but if you can let him vent and know that it is safe and that he is heard he will slowly make his way back to you, the family and apologize for his behavior towards your husband.

It is okay if you disagree with what I am saying but know that I come from a place of love and experience.

It is a fine line we walk with teens. What you want to avoid is a power struggle and arguing about a bunch of surface stuff. He is harboring something deep below, and he needs his mother. He needs to know that you will not abandon him. He has and will be testing you!

As a mother we have to really take the brunt of everything. There are so many thing s that I swallow for the sake of my kids........I know you know what I am talking about

I wish you the very best!!!

xoxo

Coco

Hi again! I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this. I know firsthand it is frustrating to say the least. Everything is fine now, but my daughter did some major rebelling and I had a very hard time with it. The bad thing is that if they have somewhere to run, you can't do much about it except maybe go to court. And I was told that at that age they can choose where to live anyway.
I had to just keep loving her and waitin guntil she came back around while others decided without me how and where she would live. It was painful, but she came full circle. I will be thinking about you!

Coco and Bev, thank you ever so much for your posts! Being a parents is definately the most challanging, yet rewarding job ever and for that reason, I regret nothing I've ever done in my life except for the fact that I have four beautiful older children that had to go through a messy divorce at young ages and then had no choice but to except the man that I later married as their "step father". I don't wish this kind of situation on anyone! it's a difficult transition for all envolved. My husband had to get used to FIVE different personalities, WE had to get used to ONE. if that puts things into more perspective. My husband has a huge heart and huge shoulders. Anyone else could have ran. But he's stuck in there and I respect him and admire him more and more everyday! He loves my older children and he's given his ALL!~
Coco, nothing you said offended me When I ask for advice, I'm looking for all kinds..both sides. So I thank you for your honesty and insight. I know most of the issue that has arose between my now husband and son is a "loyalty" issue. I can't blame my son for that. He loves and is very close to his "real" father. My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. It's been an uphill battle since the beginning and we tried EVERYTHING, believe me. My son refused any kind of counselling(even if it was with the counsellor at school) I didn't believe in pushing it on him therefore I gave up the idea(which I kinda regret giving that idea up so easily now) He is indeed the most outspoken one of the bunch and for the most part, that's what I LOVE about him. He really isn't a bad kid, he just has issues with step dad and step dad is only asking for respect. He's given us a wonderful life, he has NEVER touched my older children in an aggressive way. There have been a couple times where he raised his voice, but generally he is pretty patient. When I sent him to live with his father, it was because he refused to go to the school district we now live in. His reasoning for this is because that is where his older brothers graduated(he has one year left) Now, I can understand why that would be of importance to him, as he's got alot of friends, etc. But what really aggravates me is that he manipulated my decision of sending him back to his father and his father decided without my knowledge to send him back but not to live with me. What started out as a "school" issue was now because he doesn't get along with my husband. I believe he manipulated the whole situation to get what he wanted(ahhhh teenagers) and that I WILL NOT except nor shove under the rug. His older three brothers had the same step father and they know how his rules stand. They turned out just fine and they all finished school just fine and graduated. As a matter of fact, they are now beginning to understand just how helpful my husband was in growing up..and with little smiles, they all admit "he wasn't that bad"..so see, that is my issue.. My children and I have an open communication relationship. We've also ALWAYS had "family conversation nights" My husband actually started that. My son knows that I love him and I know he loves me. He knows he can count on me for anything and he knows how to pull at those heartstrings. Children know when they are hurting us..They know how to work us..They are very self thinking and are on a mission to get what they want, when they want ALL THE TIME. So, there you have it, my whole opinion on this thing. Again, I thankyou both for your advice. I know this too shall pass and WE ALL will be okay.
take care and God bless