Stress Center Peer Support

Hi,
I need some feedback about a problem that´s on my heart these days!
One thing is that I am in the process of getting divorced. In 2005 my husband had gone to a foreign country for a job and built his own life there and didn´t intend to come back (in contradiction to what was planned), just visit from time to time. He expected me to live like that for the next years until God knows when.
Besides big problems we have had for years, anyway, I then decided to divorce him to have the chance to be happy again, one day.

At the same time that he went to Switzerland I was put on another job at work. So I had to cope with two big changes at the same time. My ex pays what he has to and we don´t have any problems with each other, also concerning our 13year old daughter. It´s just a question of time until we go to court (takes long in Germany!). I don´t miss HIM and don´t want him back, but it´s always painful when a marriage fails and you find yourself being a single Mum. I suffer from loneliness and feel like being left in the shelf (turn 43 soon), can´t stand seeing happy couples or watching romantic movies ect. Seems like all good men are married, and the others are ... weird!?
I wonder if there will ever be a Mr. Right for me again?
The other thing is: the job I had to do the last two years eventually made me sick because I was often overwhelmed and my co-worker constantly treated me like crap. I suffered from anxiety and several body symptoms every day and was very desperate. I needed the job, unemployment is a big problem in Germany, so I couldn´t just find something else.

Thank God, I had the chance to change jobs with another collegue, so now I´m doing a job which is much more simple, but nobody´s standing behind me and putting me under pressure.

However, instead of feeling happy, I feel depressed, although I´m glad I don´t have to work with my former co-worker. I´m doing my new job, but it´s not fulfilling, and I´m alone in a big room just surrounded by files and papers. When I return home, I´m totally exhausted (which is ridiculous, because my job is really EASY!) and get anxiety, doubting my sanity.

How can this be? Isn´t that sick or is it normal? Will this pass? Or is it just PMS? I don´t want to sound like self-pitty.
Sorry for writing so much. Any advice, anyone who can relate?

Thank you so much!
Susanne

Hello GardenFairy,
breakups and divorce are so painful. There is no real time limit on healing or a way to speed it up. Each day we get a little better and some days we just fall apart.
I never thought I would find anyone after my last relationship. That was the worst depression of my life!! I was drinking and eating and even gambling to excape my obsessive thoughts and feelings. I was a mess. I was so angry with God. Angry with my self. And very angry with anyone who even LOOKED happy. To hell with them! Don't they know happiness is fleeting!? That's what I used to say to myself.
I guess the thing that changed for me is that I decide to stop thinking about my old relationship every minute. I needed to think about myself. How could I love myself and find a reason (other than a relationship) to live. I needed to believe that I was a damn good person and I can be happy (ALONE if need be!). After a while I felt comfortable being alone. Even HAPPY with my single life. I didn't really date, but I felt great with my independance and self confidance.
**then you know what happened???? I met a wonderful man and now have a healthy relationship. NOT that a man will save you or make things all better, but it helped (wink)
The new man isn't perfect, but neither am I. I'm a better person now - and still getting better. You can do it too!
You are working on yourself by doing this program and that is a fantastic positive step! I wish I had this back when I was in the depths of my dispair! You are on the right track - keep loving youself and your daughter and great things will come!

Hi Cher,
thank you so much for answering!
I think my depressive feelings are a result of an exhausting year of 2007. I had to function no matter what, and now that I have that easy job and it´s clear that we will get divorced, maybe it´s time for grieving.

My husband didn´t even try to win me back or had any protest my decision, he simply said nothing. Just shrugged his shoulders and went on with his life. Meanwhile I know it´s his personality that he reacted that way, but still it´s really hard to understand....
It´s great that you found a good man again, and it encourages me.
However, when my last relationship failed, I was in my late twenties, so I was prettier and there were more men "available", it was easier for me to find someone new. I had more energy and self-esteem as a woman, didn´t suffer from an anxiety disorder yet, didn´t have migraines yet, had no child to take care of and I was able to make enough money for myself. (I´m working part-time)....

Nice to hear from you,
I agree that younger, prettier women may have an easier time finding a man. I too was alone in my late twenties. I didn't think I'd have a tough time finding a new friend - I'm tall, thin, smart, not overweight... bla bla... but I really, really believe it's attitude and confidance that attracts men.
Having kids can be an issue, but so many people these days are in similar situations. I don't have kids, but my fiance has 4 adult kids from his previous marriage. What a lot for me to deal with! They don't live with him, but I still felt awkward around them. Things are a lot better now, but before I was terrified!

Just keep working on yourself. It will pay off sooner than you realize. You and your daughter are the ones need to go through the healing process. The right guy will come into your life when he is ready for you. He may be going through his healing right now just like you.
Good luck to you. I hope I've been some help.