You are on the right track - be patient w/ yourself. Most importantly, pat yourself on the back - that's right, give yourself 1 heck of a HIGH FIVE ^^^^^^^5 - you recognize it, reached out & are addessing things. Be patient w/ yourself & this "journey" - anything worthwhile in life, does take time. Changing ourselves is not easy, nor does it come immediately.
I know, patience is not 1 of our strongest traits, lol
Oh lord, when my anxiety disorder triggered in APR 2005 - I was so beyond ignorant to what this thing was. I initiated therapy w/ a psychiatrist immediately. I distinctly remember, going into my very 1st therapy session, thinking "ok, this will only take 1 month & I'll be done w/ it. I can then get on w/ my life". That is what I LITERALLY said to myself. I had no clue what anxiety disorder was + couldn't possibly grasp how very traumatic my past/childhood was & its emotional impact on me - esp as it related to my anxiety disorder(heck, I figured I lived it already - its done w/ - no big deal) + I sincerely didn't comprehend the severity of the state I was in. I had 2 different dr's(my reg dr & my psychiatrist, who has 30+ yrs experience) tell me, my "state" was 1 of the worst they had seen. Heck, I was diagnosed w/ anxiety disorder + panic attacks + ptsd. When I heard that diagnosis & my psychiatrist's opinion of my state, I was frightened & discouraged. Like many b/4 me, I felt like I was in an emotional prison w/in myself, by myself. To say I was discouraged would be a serious understatement.
I too was very very very very(100 very's, lol
) RESENTFUL. I was resentful for: this was happening to me & it was sooooooooo not fair + this condition has forced me to not be able to work for the 1st time in my life + this condition made me feel "paralized by mind numbing fear" - inhibited - restricted - totally dependant on my husband(I was never a clingy woman) - emotionally dependant on ANYONE willing to give me the time of day + resentful cause I was home alone literally for 3 1/2 yrs, alone: everyone, includ hubby/inlaws/friends, worked. They had spouses/jobs/children/homes/their kids activities, etc. So, they were often very busy. They were living their lives. OFten, the phone DIDN'T RING, which my "emotionally dependant self" didn't understand @ all. I was mad & overwhelmed. I was feeling all things the worst of anxiety disorder can/will make you feel & had tons of surpressed emotions/issues to address - IT WASN'T FAIR. I even remember crying & getting mad w/ GOD, "why am I going thru this & why am I going thru this alone, home alone?"
I wasn't literally alone in my life. What I was able to soon realize was this: we all have our own journey's in life to take = our own crosses to bare. This journey was mine. I had lived through some tough events, all which directly contributed to my anxiety disorder. In addition, while my physical symptoms hadn't appeared till APR 2005, I had the BEHAVIORAL TRAITS as far back as 5 yrs old. Think about that, I was 37 when anxiety disorder triggered. That means, I was carrying this burden/heavy weight/negative state of thinking + acting + reacting for 30+ yrs. That is a lot. Imagine the effects on me(mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually)having done that for 30+ yrs. I don't celebrate anxiety disorder - I understand
HOW & WHY it happened.
I had been resentful for the background I had, situations I've lived thru, being on my own in high school - often feeling as though I never had a choice for that very situation I was thrust into. What I was able to SEE(I was stubborn & trust you me, lol, GOD WAS WORKING OVERTIME W/ ME)
is <span class="ev_code_RED">I WAS FINALLY BEING GIVEN THAT "CHANCE" I felt I was denied.</span> Everything that had to be "worked out" if you will = all that had to HEAL, was inside of me. Because I had been so very emotionaly dependant on just about EVERYONE - if they had ALWAYS CLD + BEEN AROUND ME as I had desperately needed, I don't think I would have
done the worked needed - the work I needed to do on myself. Oh I didn't like knowing BEING ALONE was the best thing for me @ the time = <span class="ev_code_RED">feeling as though I too was missing out on many opportunities/events/gatherings, etc</span>God gave me THAT GIVE = OPPORTUNITY. He lined up all THOSE DUCKS - so that it all fell into place & I could do what I needed. That was also something I couldn't see in the beginning, lol. It was always sink or swim for me, due to my particular circumstance = work/get apt/work work some more. I didn't have the luxury to stop & heal myself. I now did. While it was hard/painful, being alone afforded me the chance to face/feel/deal/heal fr many things. For the 1st time in my life - I could FINALLY get it done w/ - heal fr the past + change those negative aspects of my personality that created my anxiety disorder + stop living in the past - as the past + learn to forgive & let go. All these things made possible by being home fo 3 1/2yrs, recovering.
I don't celebrate anxiety disorder @ all. I do celebrate the changes it forced me to make. Until it triggered, I was not aware - I was living a state of BEING = an existence I assumed was
"normal" = this is me & this is my life. When anxiety disorder triggered - I realized(w/ help of my therapist, initially) <span class="ev_code_RED">that I did have a choice + this existence/state of being was a negative fausaud - I don' have to live/act/think/react this way - I can free myself fr the emotional burdens I had been carrying - I could LIGHTEN MY BURDEN & FREE MYSELF.</span> Again, prior to anxiety disorder triggering, I wasn't even aware there was even a problem. It triggering showed me there was - it triggering gave me a 2ND CHANCE @ LIFE = being reborn, for I was able to unburden myself w/ many negative things.
Be patient w/ yourself & your recovery. Recovery takes time & hardwork. It doesn't happen overnight. Focus on the program, a little @ a time - 1 day @ a time. That program works, trust me. Make you & your recovery your priority.
FOLLOW THE PROGRAM AS INSTRUCTED.Empower yourself. Knowledge is power - get books on anxiety disorder + on the internet - so you know what it is & as a result, will gain valuable knowledge on it - it will then lessen the fear. JOURNAL: this affords you the chance to get comfortable w/ what you're thinking & feeling - THEN to feel them = resolve/disolve/let go & move on. Exercise & diet play key roles EQUALLY in recovery. Initiate little changes - don't attempt to be JANE LALANE overnite. Remember, consistency ='s result.<span class="ev_code_RED">1 day @ a time, 1 physical activity @ a time, 1 meal @ a time, I CHOOSE TO MAKE HEALTHIER & BETTER CHOICES FOR ME.</span> It's all those small little steps we take that DO ADD UP TO results.
I joined WEIGHT WATCHERS JUNE 2007. I was size 22 when I joined. In addition, having recovered fr anxiety - I was diangosed w/ DEPRESSION - 2 mths b/4 I joined. In this past year, I have been able to go fr size 22 to just about size 4. More important than size, though, is the fact: I don't need any cholesterol med + my depress med has been lowered several times - most recently this past week = I AM NOW ON THE LOWEST DOSAGE POSSIBLE + I am healthy(all tests done w/ my reg dr prove as much) - I have lost 67 lbs + I am happy. I don't think I can accurately articulate just how valuable EXERCISE & HEALTHY DIET are to recovery fr anxiety disorder & depresson. In addition, sweetie - while it is hard - it so empowers you big time. I am honest when I say, every single day I tried/fought hard & exercised & ate healthier - I heard that SONG "I am woman hear me roar", lol lol.
You will have your time on the beach - except you will feel the waves like never b/4 + you will feel the sand b/w your toes as never b/4 - cause you will have a new found appreciation for many things - you'll also be lighter fr ridding yourself of some negativity. Trust me, this is not your FOREVER. Be patient w/ yourself + empower yourself: the program/journaling/exercising - eating healthier/research-reading books on anxiety disorder. You are so much stronger than you realize - remember, anxiety will lie to you about all things you & your life - DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE. You are a wonderful & beautiful & strong woman who is kicking anxiety's butt. Keep on going - setting realistic goals for yourself. This is your time to focus on you. No need to put pressure on yourself - you have what it takes - this journey is just to help you to realize that.
Hey, when you say the "SHORE" do you mean the JERSEY SHORE?
Your friend,
LENORE
and work on session 5 tonight (even a smidge if you can), start now. You will see progress but it takes TIME. Timing is everything, 1 step at a time gal, ok?