Stress Center Peer Support

Can somebody tell me how I'm not supposed to get pissed off at people? Like when I'm driving though a parking lot, and two or more cars act as if I'm not even there and just pull out, or if I'm backing out and already half out of the space and they keep flying behind me like I don't matter and I know if I hit them, I'll be the one in trouble. (Getting in trouble for doing just what everyone else was doing, or in some cases for not doing anything wrong has been a proven factor that has followed me since my first memory in kindergarten).Or people who just keep cutting me off one after the other in my lane like they're soooo much more important than I am. I know I shouldn't expect people to act like I do, but I do expect them to act the way everyone is supposed to. How come the rules have to apply to me but not to them? They all do what they do and slide through life just fine. I do it and get in trouble and have anxiety. This has gone on my whole life and its not just my perspective, its been pointed out to me by others too. And when friends tell me its my imagination that people look at me like I just crawled out from under a rock (most of them don't look any better). My husband always said he could 'feel' people looking at him in disgust when he passed buy and I've told him he's just assuming it because of his childhood, that they don't care about what he looks like, but then I see them do exactly this when I'm walking nearby him and people don' t know I'm with him. So I know they do it to me too. Or when my husband keeps changing the plans we have for the day? (He doesn't drive, so I'm his only way of getting certain things, which is fine, but he tends to add things as we go along since its the only time he really gets out of the house. I wouldn't mind, I know its not his fault, and if I say something, he'll usuallyjust say okay we can do it next week but then I feel guilty, and anxious that now I have another thing I have to do next week that cuts into my time. Its just that one of my biggest anxieties is already that I feel I'll never have enough time to do anything. That I have so much more to do than time will allow. And it all needs to be done. No matter what I'm doing, I'm thinking about something else that could be getting done instead. Maybe this is addressed later on in the program, I hope so.Sorry about all this ranting. Just very frustrated right now.

Very interesting perspective,

I believe that nobody likes getting cut off and no one likes people pulling out in front of them etc.
My take on what the program is trying to get accross to us is that people are always going to be doing dumb ass things...however, it is our choice whether to let these things "get our goat" or brush em off like a grain of salt.

If we think that it is a perfect world and everybody is going to treat us fairly we are in for a rude awakening. Life is not fair....good doesn't always beget good. These outside influences brought on by dumb asses are always going to happen.

The unfortunate thing is that we get angry and upset over things over which we have absolutely no control we are only hurting ourselves.

Therefore, we have a choice....a) get upset and hurt ourselves or b) laugh about all those dumb asses !!!!! Hope this helps.

LOL. I agree with Tallboy, Excellent post.

Yes, you're right. And I am actually noticing that while I do get annoyed, I find in that since starting the program just over a week ago, that I don't seem to be getting as angry as I had been getting. It seems my reactions...when they do occur, are less intense and don't last as long as they did. Its just when the same thing keeps happening over and over again...in the same day...that it gets a bit trying. But maybe I'm getting better in spite of myself. I hope so. I remember being happy, and not caring what others thought when I was younger, even though I got teased a lot growing up. Hopefully, I'll get to that frame of mind once again.

Can somebody tell me how I'm not supposed to get pissed off at people?

LOL! Are you my long lost twin? I SO felt the same. I am the one that tries to stand in some sort of line while people just hap hazzardly go and form their own line, which is just pushing in front of others that formed some sort of line. (didn't they teach us in kindergarden to "stand in a stright line?") I too have people pull out in front of me, but it is driving at 60 mph and it becomes my responsibility to STOP for them . Needless to say , they did not even stop at the stop sign and really no reckless driving was needed on their part because I was the ONLY car coming their way, NO ONE else was behind me so I am not sure what the HUGE rush was to take that risk. We also have construction here, there are NO LEFT HAND TURN signs EVERYWHERE and you know what, some people feel that the sign and rule does not apply to them...they are "SPECIAL!" If people cannot look at a symbol sign, an arrow going left with a HUGE RED circle and a HUGE RED line through that left turn arrow, they have GOTTA be stupid (dee da dee...watch Carlos Mencia for the explanation of what a dee da dee is, it WILL make you laugh!) or just plain arrogant and I need to have the eagle eye because they are gambling with MY life. Oh yes, let's not forget those people making VERY important phone calls while driving and just blow through red lights and stops signs doing 50+ mph. You know, those calls...like I got my nails painted Spring Fling yellow or I bougied on the 13th hole!

Well I cannot control them, the way the behave or how they are. I actually feel sorry for them. And "if" they are sliding by in life now, we do not know what will HIT them tomorrow, literally. Some people break rules all the time, it is JUST a matter of time when the rules will bite them back. What goes around, comes around.

Last year the guy a couple doors down that has never talked to us decided he was going to have a logging truck just drive onto our property. He never knocked on our door and informed us what HIS plans were. He is the same guy that his kids ride their bikes into our car and all over our lawn and planting bed, climb and ride their bikes in other neighbors yards too AND tease our dogs through the fence. (kids are just like their parents) Anyhow, I saw this truck parallell to our fence, about 4 inches away from it. I went on our deck and stood there. You know the guy just stood there looking at me! He never said anything, he never started to walk towards our fence to say anything. Well you just can't drive trucks over peoples lawns and landscaping. If the guy was human about it and knocked on the door, sure no problem but to ASSUME, to just do what you want...AH NO! I called the cops and the cop told him that we could file a civil lawsuit against him for tresspass and damage to property. (our lawn and landscaping was damaged) I mean what was this guy thinking? That is the problem, he wasn't.He even had the gall to say that my husband and I saw him and that WE should have come up to talk to him! WE SHOULD HAVE COME TO HIM? I did not need anything from him, WE did not need anything from him, why should WE go and find him AFTER the fact, after HE already decided that the truck was going to drive on our property? He just thought he could do whatever he wanted. Some people are just like that. They THINK they are "entitled" to do whatever they please to whomever they please. Even the woman next door is friend with them and she stupidly cackled for DAYS about it saying that 'OH you NEED to get PERMISSION FIRST" "You NEED to go on your hands and knees to them". No that is NOT the point. She is just as empty headed as they are . The point is RESPECT other people and RESPECT their property. Some people just are not capable of thinking beyond themselves though. Selfish!

Yes mean, stupid, ignorant, arrogant people suck. I have learned though that I need to watch what I think, feel, say and do and not give too much energy in how others are. I also cannot give energy to feeling crossed or feel I need to justify and correct the wrong doer. Oh how I used to just sit there and think I HOPE THAT PERSON GETS WHAT IS COMING TO THEM. I do not do that anymore, it is a waste of time. I know somewhere along the line that person will run out of "luck", things will catch up to them.

I think some people ACT like that because they LACK self confidence, lack of self esteem. THEY do not believe in themselves. (or back to the original, they are just stupid, ignorant or arrogant) Either way, YOU (I) are not changing these people. They are here to stay and it only gets better because some of these people have kids! The apple does not fall far from the tree!

There are too many of these types of people out there...those that just leave their grocery cart in the middle of the parking lot nand YOUR car gets the huge dent, those that cut you off to get in front of you to only seconds later put their left turn signal on and hold up traffic, those that just walk in front of you like you did not exist. If I let all these people get to me within my day, I swear I would have been arrested. I just do not care anymore. I have conditioned myself NOT to care, it is something that I NEED to so for myself in order to keep calm, the keep the calm I deserve and owe to myself, to keep HOPING that most people still do care for complete strangers, that most people were raised in a home that taught morals, values and instilled good character. And for those others I know eventually things will catch up to them.

I have seen it. This guy was in such a hurry to cut around some parked cars on a narrow street that he stepped on the gas coming towards me, I needed to react quick and pull to the right side. HE ended up side swiping 2 parked cars on his side of the road because he was arrogant enough not to want to slow down and pull over...he NEEDED to get to through that narrow spot in the street before I did so he could get by before I did. HE SURE DID! I am a FIRM believer that do unto your neighbor as yourself. I have learned to and at times really need to fight myself, bite my tongue to really TRY to live with a good heart and mind towards people like this. IT IS SOOOO HARD AT TIMES. But I can tell you that it is a much more peaceful, calmer and happier way to be. These annoyances last a few moments in our own big picture in life. Why should I allow that person in my life and allow them to mess my mood up for seconds, minutes, hours or even days? In a few moments they are gone. I do not need to allow their ill behavior to leave a lasting impression on me.

You sound like my hubby. He gest SOOO frustrated driving. I tell him that they're not driving like that just to aggrivate him and that he should just try and enjoy the ride and ignore them.

I know once or twice I've been honked at for doing something really stupid and it was totally just. . .well I made a mistake or was distracted.

I think. . .did they think I do that on purpose or I'm just a jerk? Probably. . . and I know from my perspective I wasn't trying to be rude, I just got too caught up in what I was doing. I try so hard to be respectful of others but sometimes I just don't think.

Today we were at Home Depot and we had a lawn mower on the cart and we were sort of blocking the isle because the kids moved it and I didn't notice. We were talking to the sales rep.

This lady was standing there and I assumed that she was waiting to talk to him or looking at something. Finally, in a huff, she says. . ."WELL, I guess I'll just have to walk around the other way!" I said back (not sure if she heard me but another patron did) "A simple excuse me would have worked just fine!"

The salesman was like . .. I didn't know she needed by either. . .and another patron just laughed at me a moment later when I said . . .I'd better move this so I don't get in trouble again.

So, here's my point. . . she was all offended and pissed off because her perception was that I was being rude and thoughtless.

Perhaps I was. . . but if I was being thoughtless by not making sure my cart was out of the way, it had nothing to do with my feelings towards her. I was simply trying to gather information from the salesman. . .and make sure my kids were close by so they didn't get into trouble.

So. . . with all that said. . .when something happens when someone cuts in front of me or gets in front of me in line or something. . . I figure that they don't mean any malice by it. I know I don't. I'm just a ditz at times!!

It sure makes me a lot less angry than my hubby.

TALLBOY: omg, I laughed so hard @ your reply this morning - I spit coffee on the computer screen lol - THAT'S A GOOD ONE - well said, ^^^^^5!

LIZ - I always love your postings - I agree w/ you as well.

Prior to my "JOURNEY TO RECOVERY" I so let all things & people get to me - omg, so much so. I even told my therapist when I 1st started(I'm being honest here), "<span class="ev_code_RED">I feel like I'm defending myself against the world-always getting mad about something</span>". That just meant I let too many things & people bother me.

When I started this journey, my goal & objective along EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY - was I WANT TO FEEL BETTER. That became kind of mental/emotional compass for me - in trying to "UNLEARN" the negative stuff "LEARN" the good/positive stuff. No matter the person or circumstance involved, in the back of my mind ALWAYS as I was changing & learning THIS NEW WAY, was me telling myself repeatedly(literally), <span class="ev_code_RED">If I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always gotten!</span>So, I started to train myself, w/ that singular MANTRA - by doing the very opposite of what I've always done all my life - cause the end result w/ this all is I wanted to feel better!Right, wrong, or indifferent, the end result needed to be something that enhanced my quality of life + left me FEELING BETTER + maintain the inner peace I was beginning to establish the 1st time in my life. That is how I began to train myself not to let things bother me or get to me, esp @ the level I used to prior to this JOURNEY.

During this journey, I obviously had to take a long hard look @ myself: the way I acted + reacted + thought + felt & why + surpressed emotions, etc. The why aided me in learning to avoid repeating said things. As a result, I've gained a great deal of knowledge & understanding on a person's actions - reactions & behaviors. There are some folks so caught up in the DYSFUNCTIONAL MINDSET/MENTALITY/LIFESTYLE - it has become NORM for them - so that, they don't see their behaviors as wrong. Rather, YOU/THEY/THEM/HER/HE is the 1 w/ the problem. There are also some folks w/ pent up/surpressed emotions + anger + pain + fear, for a variety of reasons - that blind them to what is considered HEALTHY BEHAVIORS. It doesn't justify their actions or behaviors - no. It just explains why, so that you the person @ the other end of all this DRAMA, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY = don't let it get to you.
<span class="ev_code_RED">EX: Think of the person w/ all that pent up emotions & not realizing it. As a result of feeling these things(w/ many not even realizing it) they get impatient + angry + cranky + volitile(sp) + mean + spiteful - a whole host of things. Then, THEY ACT OUT. Think of when you're sick or under the weather - you get a little cranky too right - we all do & our subsequent behaviors are an understandable result of such. The thing is, WE SEE IT = WE KNOW BETTER/DIFFERENT - therefore, when we know better - we do better or set out to LEARN A BETTER WAY. They don't - the wheels keep on spinning & spinning. </span>

I'm not saying its easy to learn not to let things get to you - oh lord, no lol. It is possible & as LIZ said, YOU BENEFIT 100% by learning to underreact. Let the end result be - you feeling better & your quality of life being enhanced.

I just returned to WORKING USA 1 1/2 mths ago, having been home for 3 yrs recovering. I tell ya, I am happier than a pig in poopy, lololol For many, working is a chore. For the individual recovered fr anxiety disorder & back out there in life again, working is a privelege. I was & have experienced a whole host of things(emotionally) throughout this time. That is to be expected. In spite of it all, & no matter what nonsense any anxiety or depress makes me feel - there ain't a darn thing both those ailments can do to me - that is greater or stronger than my desire to gain my life back = my independance + self sufficiency + back out there living & breathing all things in life. My will & character are much stronger than anything these 2 ailment can dish out. That is why I have such a deeper & more humbled appreciation for things, including working again - <span class="ev_code_RED">GETTING A PAYCHECK EVERY WK ROCKS - LET ME TELL YOU, LOL LOL!!</span> I feel like I've been let out of some emotional prison I feel free. Sure, a part of this is my continued learning of NOT LETTING THINGS/STRESS/PEOPLE get to me = working is giving me MANY PRACTICE SESSIONS, lol lol. There is this 1 ASST MGR @ work - that well, he just has this over-all nasty disposition about him-totally not condusive to business & people interacting. He just seems cranky all the time - or always mad about something & let me tell you - he seems to have no patience @ all. I was @ work 1 day last week - he did/said something that not only got me very angry - but something I thought was quite unprofessional. I didn't react or act out to this. I let him walk away & I requested a break. I went outside & had a cigarette(I know, it the next issue to address on my journey - PROMISE). I was livid - I was so mad - my white skin was PINK - so pink it looked like I was sunburned. No joking, lol. I didn't act then - the next day - I spoke to a supervisor there & told him all = a formal complaint. I realized I was still too angry & was kind of obsessing about it - so, on my lunch break - I HAD A MINI LENORE SELF THERAPY SESSION, hahahahhahah. Long story short - I put a stop to this behavior immediately - it was causing me NOT TO FEEL GOOD - remember, my goal fr now on - is I WANT TO FEEL BETTER - well, the way I was reacting & allowing this mgr to affect me - was not doing that. I looked back on the amt of time for which I've been employed there - his disposition has been the same - THE LIGHTBULB WENT OFF - that is him, it ain't got nothing to do w/ me nor is it something I REALLY & TRULY DID - I was taking it personally. It is all things that are him & his disposition & his personality. I physically & literally laughed right then & there. I told myself <span class="ev_code_RED">I am too darn blessed to be so stressed or depressed about this nonsense.</span> Sure, I am learning the STRESS MGT thing - thats ok. I am aware of it & can go about changing it. The problem lies in NOT KNOWING BETTER. Fortunately, now I DO.

Where I grew up, we had this saying, <span class="ev_code_RED">GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY!</span> In essence, what that means is WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND - if a person acts w/ ill will or deliberate neg intentions, 9 x's out of 10, IT WILL COME BACK TO THEM. My life's experience has shown me - it does. However, I don't set out to WISH IT ON THEM - that is b/w them & God, not me. There are UGLY people in the world: life ain't about being fair & good folks don't always get good back to them. However, me focusing on me & my actions/behavior towards myself & others - makes me feel better & gives me a better quality of life.Its all about good vibes baby. God knows my heart & intentions. I've spent far too many yrs retaining all that negative energy & the neg persona - where now, HECK NO - no DRAMA HERE - lol lol. I don't necessarily allow myself to be THE WORLDS DOORMAT - no. However, I defend myself when it calls for it, take action & let it go - move on. I don't necessarily retaliate or act in kind when folks are acting foolish - that is not who & what I am. Let them live that way & feel that way & act that way - I don't or can't control them - I ONLY CONTROL ME. In the end, what I do or say, will have the end result of ME FEELING BETTER. Let them be miserable + mean + cranky 24/7 - we know better - we feel better & LIFE IS GOOD.

LENORE

Yes, I know people do things without realizing it. But then there are those....I was in Wal-Mart one day. Feeling not too bad. Minding my own business. I was already in line at one of the 20 items or less registers. The lady in front of me motioned to another lady in the next line which was a regular line. That lady then got out of her line which she had already been waiting in with her over flowing cart, and proceeded to get in front of me in the 20 or less lane. When I said something to her, she turned to me and said with major attitude "you'll get over it". Then when I pointed out again, that this was a 20 or less lane, she said " you want to count my items, go ahead. I can have as many as I want, I'll just put them in piles of less than 20." And she proceeded to put all her items up on the belt. I asked the cashier if she was going to do anything about this and she just shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. So this woman, got to do exactly what she wanted, with both of us at that point yelling and cursing at each other. And I'm sure she left the store feeling very good about herself, while me....well. I got crapped on once again. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Where they know exactly what they're doing, don't care and get away with it. People who purposely drive the wrong way down a lane because its more convenient for them, and give me the nasty look for going the right way because I'm blocking them. Or the ones who yell at me and give me the finger because I'm actually going 30 mph on a 30 mph street and they all want to do 50. These people know exactly what they are doing. And these are the ones I always seem encounter.

Wow. . . OK that's a little different.

However, as hard as it is. . . we have to try to do like Tallboy says and ignore it. Because it will make us nuts. . .

Either way you slice it, I don't think it was personal to you. She would have done that no matter who was standing there. She doesn't even know you so why would she intentionally do something just to upset you?

That's my perspective and I'm stickin' to it.

((((hugs))))

Chris

I've been reading a lot of posts lately about "those people", and "mean people", and "people that piss people off". I wanted to bring a different perspective to this. Some of "those people", and "mean people" are some of the people in here.
I am one of "those people". I've had days and moments so bad with my anxiety and depression that, I know I've been mean to people or have done things to piss people off. This is all part of the condition, at least for those of us who will admit that. That's why I am here. That's why I bought the program, so I can get help with these bad habits, and learn to deal with life better. I couldn't wait to get a computer so I could come in here and get support from like minded people, but all I'm finding is people complaining, and acting like they don't do anything wrong to anybody else. If you take the time to read a whole group of posts on the same subject it is no different from being in a unmoderated chat room with a bunch of young kids. If this is what they call supportive, then I guess I don't need any support from this community. I'm trying to get away from all this negative thinking, and blaming, and that's all people keep doing in these posts is blaming other people. This person pisses me off, that person pisses me off.... IM THAT PERSON! This is exactly what Lucinda talks about in the program. We have to stop blaming other people and situations for why we feel this way. Everytime I come in here to read a new post my anxiety kicks in because of all the negative talk and blaming. It just takes me right to that place where I don't want to be. I hope everyone that is in the program is successful and gets what they need out of the program, but I think first we all need to stop blaming and complaining about other people. P.S. I would like to apologize to all the people I have offended today and all the people I pissed off today with my post, because I'm sure I have, because I'm "that person", and I'm that "mean person", and "I'm the one that pisses people off"...
and SO ARE YOU!