Stress Center Peer Support

Hi all,
I never imagined my life would be THIS bad. I've struggled with anxiety & depression for as long as I can remember, but always seemed to manage. Until now. It has become so severe I do not know what else to do.

I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I'm anywhere between 30 mins to 3 hours late for work everyday, when I get there all I want to do is go home, I hide in the bathroom just to be alone. I get off of work & come home to my bf and hide from him too (many times to cry), I'm so sad & feel so ugly. I avoid my friend's & family's calls, social anxiety is off the wall, SO tired, but can't sleep, etc etc etc.

But worst of all in the past few weeks I've become hopeless, which I never knew the power of before. It is debilitating, and of course with this feeling came suicidal thoughts, also new to me. They are both frightening & comforting. I won't act on them (couldn't do that to my bf), but they are all I see left for peace.

I don't know what else to do, I can't stay in bed forever, or even for a few weeks/months to recover... I have to work, I have to get out to buy food... what do I do?!?? It's getting too hard. My bf is the only thing I'm holding on to, he says he'll stick by me, but I don't blame him if he would leave, part of me wants him to... partly b/c I feel he would be better off & also b/c then maybe I could end it.. maybe.

Am I really expected to live this way? No one understands how hard it is...every minute of everyday. I appreciate their support.. but they can't comprehend the depths of the sorrow & worthlessness I feel.

I've tried everything... please, how do I go on? I feel like I'm drowning.

phantom,

my heart goes out to you because im pretty sure i know exactly how you feel. ive been struggling myself with this everyday for the past 18 months. what ive been doing to get thrue it is the program, lots of positive self talk and reminding myself of all the good things in my life. i know how hard it is when you feel like theres nothing you can do to change how you feel but dont give up. you can and will overcome this. are you seeing anyone for help? taking any meds? they can be very helpful for some people. please remember it will get better. with or without your bf you can live a happy life if you work hard and get the help you need. please know that we are here for you if you need anything at all and feel free to email me anytime if you need to talk to someone who truely knows how you feel. take care of yourself and love yourself and it will work out......cathy

Sweetie, My heart breaks for you. I understand completely. First I want you to see a doctor if you aren't on an anti-depressant. If you are on one, it isn't the right one for you. There are hundreds out there, and one will help ease some of this depression.
I tried to commit suicide in Oct. Not proud of that but bringing it up to tell you that I felt the same way about my loved ones- they would be happier and better without me weighting them down. And I was 100% wrong based on their responses, feelings and actions when I woke up in ICU.
Before that I lived minute to minute literally watching the clock until I could escape to sleep which ironically doesn't seem to come unless I'm overloaded with sleeping meds. Otherwise I toss and turn, which makes for a pretty crappy next day. And the cycle goes on.
I went through the same thing with my job over two years ago and ended up losing it. Have been home and abling for disability. I hate to see someone else go through that.
Hopelessness- that's the clicker here. I want to look up some bible refernces on that. I don't want to offend you. I don't how you feel about religion, but I can tell you that my turning to the Lord saved my life. It's the only change I made when I came home from the suicide attempt. I did have the drive to survive then b/c of my loved ones, but it's the Lord who saved me from despair and hopelessness again. I have my moments now, but the moments don't have me anymore.
If you are religious, turn to the Lord first then everything else will fall in place. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And all these things shall be added unto you."
Sometimes all I could do in one of my moods would be to call the name of Jesus. Pray, pray, pray. Get up the courage to go to any church. Sit in the back in case your social anxiety catches up with you. Leave anytime you feel it is too overwhelming. Try to go back again and stay a little longer each time. Listen to the words of the singing. There is so much hope there.
Another reader posted this somewhere, but here it is again, from me to you:
<A HREF="http://www.bettertobless.com/movie3.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bettertobless.com/movie3.html</A>
For now, these scriptures:
Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
Let thy mercy, O LORD, be upon us, according as we hope in thee.
For in thee, O LORD, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God.
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
Please PM me anytime you need to talk. And let us know how you are doing. By the way, how is the program doing for you? Many blessings from God, Beverly

I, too, have felt all that you feel. When I was younger, in my teens, I had suicidal thoughts but never acted out on them, partly because I didn't want to hurt anyone else, even though you are often thinking the world would be better off without you. That is a lie. You can't even imagine how devastating that would be for those you leave behind.

I have recently been feeling this way again. I am now 48 years old. One thing that I think plays a huge part in this for me is my hormones. During my teen years, my depression seemed to coincide with certain times of the month and I now realize a lot of it was PMS. After my teen years and early 20's I didn't seem to get as depressed. Now my hormones seem just as nuts as back then.
Also, I had two children that I was raising and would never leave them in that way. But now that they are grown, I suppose I don't feel that it is as important to be here.

Anyway, I know what you mean about the hopeless feeling. When that creeps in, it is pretty frightening. Please talk to someone about your feelings. Reach out, and even though you feel hopeless, just remind yourself that this will pass. It just takes time. If you pray, just honestly tell God how you feel and ask Him to provide you with what you need.

Hope is really important and the lack of it makes everyone feel like, "Well, then what's the point?"
You are right in looking for answers on how to get help. Once you start getting help, you'll feel the hope returning. And you see you are not alone, so you know it's possible to recover, RIGHT? That gives you HOPE, doesn't it??? :-}

Hi Phantom, I actually have been right where you are now. Last year my son was murdered and it sent me into a depression I couldnt get out of. I overdosed on the meds the shrink gave me and came real close to ending it, but was saved by my oldest son who is a doctor and just happened to have stopped by my house. Anyway I got on cymbalta which has been amazing for me. That and this program and the friends I have met on here brought me back to where I can actually laugh again. Please try one of the anti dep. and I highly recomend cymbalta, I know of several folks that it has helped alot. GOD bless you, you will be in my prayers, Bruce

I know exactly how you feel! You are not ALONE!!!! R u going to therapy? Are u on meds? Both will be VERY helpful. But, not to "preach" but my stregnth comes from Jesus- no other way I could endure. I have lived a wild life and truly burnt myself out for the 2nd time in 10 years. I went through this before...and recovered and now I'm going through it again. When I tell you I understand ur despair and hopelessness and wanting to end it all- I am 100% truthful. If you can start praying-feverishly. Get into a bible-based church. Put on your boxing gloves and w/ Jesus by your side you will FIGHT this. We're in it together. If u need anything at all. please private message me. Love, roc 26
"you can do all things through Christ who stregnthens you"

If you think you're alone, think again. The fear of living and dying alone, of not having the strength to go on haunts us all. I'm not a trusting soul, but I'll copy my entry from my journal and let you decide if I am with you. I assure you I am...

"I have such mixed feelings right now; I guess I want more than R <my girlfriend> is willing to give and I have to make a decision if I can live with that. She told me a little over a month ago after a few days of headaches that she wanted to be more loving and open with her feelings. She has been more open at rare times and that may be the limit of her ability. Can I live through this Anxiety Program without knowing she wants me here and at least some physical attention every day? Her loving to bitch transition (51% bitch and 49% angel) gets old every once in a while and my patience goes to zero. I’ve got to find a reserve of patience to be able to stay and I have no idea where I’ll get that from. The only things I am sure of right now is that I love her and that I have to finish and implement the Anxiety Program to survive my life. Suicide is too often in my thoughts these days, wondering if the world would be better off without me and if the joys of the world are worth the pain. I’ve lost track of the joy and dreams, letting them slip into the darkness I feel so often. I sleep too little for my own good and spend too much of my weekends laying around and watching TV, eat too much (good food and bad), and get nothing productive done. I worry about myself as just slightly less than I worry about Renee. She is usually eating to calm herself, sleeping away much of her weekends and watching TV the rest. She complains about her weight (and I complain about her resulting lack of sex drive), she doesn’t get her schoolwork done, is reluctant to go outside and deal with the neighbors (I read afraid and wonder about very mild agoraphobia, which I cannot interfere with – she has to make the decision to act or not to). I try to help the best I can without enabling, but I never know if I help or hurt the situation in the process and she does her best to never let anyone, including me, know how she really feels. She seems to feel it’s better to argue, challenge, fight and confront than to show any tenderness, softness want or need. I can’t do anything except help myself and hope she will see what she needs. May the Spirit reach her and guide her to life. May the Spirit help me on my path, keep me strong and guide me to where I must reach, with or without her in my life. I must strike the iron and declare my own freedom from this which has shredded so much of my hope, my dreams, my heart and my life."

I am here for you, friend, if you take my hand,

BearFromOBX@Yahoo.com

Hey, thanks everyone... I believe you all when you say you understand, & I'm sorry that you have to go through it as well.

I know things can be technically "better" than this, but when I think back to "better" times, I wonder, "Was I actually happy, or just managing better?" I don't want to just manage my way through this life, I want to be happy... & maybe if I could recall a time when I was undoubtedly happy I wouldn't be so hopeless.

There are times when I'm okay, but that's all, just okay. But they are so few and far between, and don't last.. & they're still cloaked with anxiety & sadness. So even when I'm "okay", I'm not, & I know it's only a matter of time (hours or minutes, not days)before I sink again.

I do have a therapist & just got on Lexapro, I was also doing the program... I just got so tired of trying & working so hard just to feel "normal" that i quit... maybe I'll try again.

Again, thank you all for your support.
Peace.

well let me tell you and this will knock you off yoiur feet

you'd be surprised(at least I was)about how many times a preacher or a chaplin (like me) goes through depression,gets attacked by the devil(everyday at least three times a day)but you gotta know that you must be doing something right
see the devil doens't attack when you are doing wrong,now God may make him leave you alone for awhile but you gotta make sure it is God.......

your faith is being tested my freind,just keep His hand in yours and you will be fine

[1]The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. [2]He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters [3]He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake [4]Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. [5]Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemes; thou annointest my headwith oil; my cup runneth over [6] Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. and I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever.

NIV Version*
[1]The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want [2]He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters [3]He restores my soul. he guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. [4]Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me ; your rod and staff they comfort me [5]You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows [6]Surely goodnes and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.