I really am so glad you asked this. I was going to reply to you last night, because I really do have some great advice, but I was too tired.
I am in quite a similar situation. 3 months ago I was hired by a company that my mom works for. However, my mom is the global director of my department, meaning that she is in charge of my department at every single global location the company has (All 50+ locations) So she is kind of a 'big shot' around my office building. She is MY shift manager's boss. I report to my shift manager, who is the nicest lady I've ever worked for. However, seeing that my mom is in such a high position, she worries constantly about her reputation and she feels a direct correlation between my actions and behavior and how people see her. As if anxiety & depression isn't enough to deal with, try adding THAT pressure on to your job! I do have severe anxiety mixed with light depression here and there. I've had panic attacks at work. I've missed A LOT of work. It started innocently enough. I would miss work due to my "ear infection" (also known as being so dizzy from anxiety that I could hardly walk) and my "bad cold" (a week where I could barely get out of bed due to the depression/anxiety) and then there was my "stomach ache" (a bad bout of irritable bowels) And not to mention, all the days I was and am late due to the fact that getting out of my bed and taking a shower is like pulling a teeth - it takes every ounce of energy in me.
Working is very, very hard for me, but I definitely do not give myself enough credit for doing it, no matter how much time I miss. And I am sure you don't either.
ANYWAYS, on with my situation. 3 weeks ago we had this closed door meeting. (I know, I'm sure those words alone just made your anxiety increase a bit) It was a tense meeting and my mom and HER boss were running it. My mom kept pressuring me about the meeting. The night before she called me and said, "Karilynn, you need to be 10 minutes early, you need to dress professionally, you need to have your thoughts in control, because this is a very important 2 hour meeting." Ok, now, as you can imagine, I was a MESS that entire night and then the next day before the meeting. I drove to work that day in a panic. I listened to my anxiety tapes, I tried the breathing, I had myself VERY worked up. We got to the meeting room, which was packed with 50+ people. The room was TINY and there were NO windows. It was also very hot in there. (Just typing this out makes me anxious, hehe) I ended up sitting next to my shift manager, Sheryl. I told her I was nervous and she kind of smiled at me, she had no idea HOW nervous I was. The meeting started and the door was left open, so I got this idea in my head that as long as the door stayed open, I was going to be okay. 2 minutes later someone closes the door and that's when the panic hit me. I am talking BAD panic. My heart was RACING, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I really had to RUN out of there... or I was sure that I was going to scream or die. I whispered to Sheryl that I felt sick, really sick, I needed to leave. She was absolutely fine with it and she came with me. When we got out in the hallway, I was bawling and I had my had up to my chest because I seriously thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest.
She looked at me and said, "Kari, my daughter has panic attacks, too." She knew what was going on. I told her all about my anxiety and the compassion she gave me was enough to break my heart. She was so nice about it. She told me that when I was at work, I was such a great worker. She told me that my mom and I only had one thing in common: our blood - and that no way did my actions represent her, as much as she thought they did. I was just so worried that my mom was going to be mad at me, and she said, "Who cares, you don't need to be at this meeting. That room is too small and there are too many people in there." I ended up going home, because of how frazzled I was, but my mom called me later that night and was very nice to me about the entire ordeal. I know Sheryl talked to her about how scared I was of upsetting her. She understands 110%.
Later that week Sheryl emailed me a name and a number of an anxiety specialist that her daughter is seeing. I am now currently seeing him and things are looking up for me.
The point is that people are more compassionate than you know. A lot of people suffer from anxiety, A LOT of people. A lot of people know someone who suffers, as well. It really doesn't have the stigma attached to it as it used to. Of course some people are definitely more understanding than others, but anxiety is not a disease and it's not contagious. It doesn't hurt to let your boss know. Tell her how you feel and how hard it is for you. Tell her that if need be, you may need to step away from your desk for a half hour or so to calm down here and there. Let her know what's going on! It ended up working out great for me. You aren't lazy and you aren't a bad worker, you're just dealing with something really hard and I know how you feel. It's very difficult. But you have to let people know. I've started telling more and more people. It's really not that big of a deal! And you will find that when more people know, the better you will feel around them. If something happens, a panic attack, or whatever it may be - who cares! They know and you know you can handle it.
Good luck!
