Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 10:46 pm
This may be very long but I am writing this for personal growth and anyone is welcome to read it...
I guess it all started at the age of six when I met a friend in Kindergarten. We became good friends almost immediately but I soon realized it wasn't a good idea. My first memory of extreme guilt was after leaving her house...I will not disclose what went on at her house for privacy reasons. But, i seemed to have a bad self-image after being her friend. I felt like a bad child, dirty, guilty, if my dear father or mother had ever found out they surely would throw me away. I was very close with my mother at a young age and I was a true daddy's girl. As I got older i noticed things about my mother. She was very snippy her moods all over the place. I was on eggshells most of the time because when things we're good and I was happy I was always anticipating when she would turn into her bad mood and start yelling. Her and my brother were much closer than she and I and they would always boss me around I guess. "Hey Erin get me this do that...let the dog out...bring me my cigarettes.. get me something to drink..turn that light off...cover me up." It was at the age of 10 I experianced my first spontaneous panic attack up north on vacation. My mother and I were watching T.v. and all of a sudden I felt as if I couldn't breathe. My father took my outside on the portch to get some fresh air. The attack didn't seem to last long but I do remember fearing that whatever had happend would happen again. When we came back from our vacation my mom took me to the pediatrician to discuss what had happend on vacation, she had told the doctor about the episode and asked if there was such thing as a panic attack. His reply was "No." After that i seemed fine and didn't have another one of these episodes until the age of 12. I was coming back from a school trip to Chicago on the bus and when we had arrived back at the school i stood up and felt everything spinning out of control and could'nt breathe well. I passed out (kinda) maybe just fell down im not sure and one of my friend's mom interveined because she was a nurse. She then took me home and told my mom what had happend and she took me to the hospital. They ran tests but couldn't find anything wrong so they just summed it up to exauhstion.
Some time after that my father, who is like a saint to me and the most wonderful man a live, had to go to the hospital for a few days. Still not exactly sure what had happend til this day but i do remember my mother coming home from the hospital and telling me and my brother that it was some how our fault i guess. And something along the lines that if he died she would never forgive us (implying it was our fault i guess). This of course terrified me. I though that I had made this happen to my precious father and if i was'nt good all the time then I would surley kill him. So then and there began my extreme worry and obsessive thinking.
At the age of 13 i became severly depressed due to stress of always trying to be good and when my mom or brother would argue with my father I would become extremely fearful of him dying over the stress of arguing. I was also chaging school and was tortured daily....kids at the new school were jealous of me and wanted to make me feel like crap about myself and it worked. They daily made fun of me by laughing behind my back, acting like they were my friends but tricking me and telling all the boys how ugly i was so that they wouldn't like me. It was a very lonely time for me and not to mention the violence in my family it is only natural that at this time i was very depressed. I then took it to the next level by cutting myself. In a strange way it alieviated all the pain for just a moment in time. I continued to do this off and on until the age of 19.
At the age if 14 I met a boy through a friend I just thought he was so cool and he was very cute. Hi name was Mike and in some way he saved me from myself. I wanted to live. He had helped me through so much I stopped cutting for a while and he was there for me when I found out my mother was having an affair and i had to hide it from my dad because i wanted to protect him. She was also becomming a very detructive alcoholic. Wrecking our family van drunk driving, screaming on the phone to her "boyfriend" on the phone at all hours of the morning while my father was sound asleep in his room. Almost burning the house down trying to cook while drunk and falling asleep on the couch with a lit cigarette. All the while i was experimenting with drugs with a friend who was really into it. She smoked marijuana, did whip its (nitris oxidie), and extacy. I was on the fast track to a damaging life when i did about 300 whip its in one night. The next morning i felt so terrible and decided i didn't want to do this anymore. I stopped hanging out with her and seemed to be doing much better. Then one day at work this boy who had liked me gave me some extacy and I always wanted to try it but just never did because I didn't feel like paying 30 dollars for it. Well he gave me this for free. I held on to into for a few days thinking about taking it. Then one night i just decided to see what it was like and take it. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. One minute I was sooo happy I loved everyone and everything the world was a great, loving, and beautiful place...and the next minute I was hysterical and depressed crying and laughing at the same time...I got so scared of the reaction I ran downstairs and told my mom what I had done and naturally she flipped. She woke up my father and they took me to the hospital. They said that the worst part was over and I should be fine. The next day I was extremely depressed for no reason at all and that is when the flood gates opened and my life was never the same again.
At the age of 18 it seemed my life was over...conituous spontanious panic attacks and depressed followed by extreme guilt about everything and obsessive thinking. I then developed agoraphbia. To wrap this story up I am still suffering from this disorder off and on and I can't help but to wonder if I did this to myself by taking the pill from the devil...extacy... This is just part of the story of my life and I plan to write more about individual topics in my life..the good, the bad, and the ugly....I am doing this for self recovery and therapy...so again this is for me but anyone who would like to read you are very welcome.
I guess it all started at the age of six when I met a friend in Kindergarten. We became good friends almost immediately but I soon realized it wasn't a good idea. My first memory of extreme guilt was after leaving her house...I will not disclose what went on at her house for privacy reasons. But, i seemed to have a bad self-image after being her friend. I felt like a bad child, dirty, guilty, if my dear father or mother had ever found out they surely would throw me away. I was very close with my mother at a young age and I was a true daddy's girl. As I got older i noticed things about my mother. She was very snippy her moods all over the place. I was on eggshells most of the time because when things we're good and I was happy I was always anticipating when she would turn into her bad mood and start yelling. Her and my brother were much closer than she and I and they would always boss me around I guess. "Hey Erin get me this do that...let the dog out...bring me my cigarettes.. get me something to drink..turn that light off...cover me up." It was at the age of 10 I experianced my first spontaneous panic attack up north on vacation. My mother and I were watching T.v. and all of a sudden I felt as if I couldn't breathe. My father took my outside on the portch to get some fresh air. The attack didn't seem to last long but I do remember fearing that whatever had happend would happen again. When we came back from our vacation my mom took me to the pediatrician to discuss what had happend on vacation, she had told the doctor about the episode and asked if there was such thing as a panic attack. His reply was "No." After that i seemed fine and didn't have another one of these episodes until the age of 12. I was coming back from a school trip to Chicago on the bus and when we had arrived back at the school i stood up and felt everything spinning out of control and could'nt breathe well. I passed out (kinda) maybe just fell down im not sure and one of my friend's mom interveined because she was a nurse. She then took me home and told my mom what had happend and she took me to the hospital. They ran tests but couldn't find anything wrong so they just summed it up to exauhstion.
Some time after that my father, who is like a saint to me and the most wonderful man a live, had to go to the hospital for a few days. Still not exactly sure what had happend til this day but i do remember my mother coming home from the hospital and telling me and my brother that it was some how our fault i guess. And something along the lines that if he died she would never forgive us (implying it was our fault i guess). This of course terrified me. I though that I had made this happen to my precious father and if i was'nt good all the time then I would surley kill him. So then and there began my extreme worry and obsessive thinking.
At the age of 13 i became severly depressed due to stress of always trying to be good and when my mom or brother would argue with my father I would become extremely fearful of him dying over the stress of arguing. I was also chaging school and was tortured daily....kids at the new school were jealous of me and wanted to make me feel like crap about myself and it worked. They daily made fun of me by laughing behind my back, acting like they were my friends but tricking me and telling all the boys how ugly i was so that they wouldn't like me. It was a very lonely time for me and not to mention the violence in my family it is only natural that at this time i was very depressed. I then took it to the next level by cutting myself. In a strange way it alieviated all the pain for just a moment in time. I continued to do this off and on until the age of 19.
At the age if 14 I met a boy through a friend I just thought he was so cool and he was very cute. Hi name was Mike and in some way he saved me from myself. I wanted to live. He had helped me through so much I stopped cutting for a while and he was there for me when I found out my mother was having an affair and i had to hide it from my dad because i wanted to protect him. She was also becomming a very detructive alcoholic. Wrecking our family van drunk driving, screaming on the phone to her "boyfriend" on the phone at all hours of the morning while my father was sound asleep in his room. Almost burning the house down trying to cook while drunk and falling asleep on the couch with a lit cigarette. All the while i was experimenting with drugs with a friend who was really into it. She smoked marijuana, did whip its (nitris oxidie), and extacy. I was on the fast track to a damaging life when i did about 300 whip its in one night. The next morning i felt so terrible and decided i didn't want to do this anymore. I stopped hanging out with her and seemed to be doing much better. Then one day at work this boy who had liked me gave me some extacy and I always wanted to try it but just never did because I didn't feel like paying 30 dollars for it. Well he gave me this for free. I held on to into for a few days thinking about taking it. Then one night i just decided to see what it was like and take it. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. One minute I was sooo happy I loved everyone and everything the world was a great, loving, and beautiful place...and the next minute I was hysterical and depressed crying and laughing at the same time...I got so scared of the reaction I ran downstairs and told my mom what I had done and naturally she flipped. She woke up my father and they took me to the hospital. They said that the worst part was over and I should be fine. The next day I was extremely depressed for no reason at all and that is when the flood gates opened and my life was never the same again.
At the age of 18 it seemed my life was over...conituous spontanious panic attacks and depressed followed by extreme guilt about everything and obsessive thinking. I then developed agoraphbia. To wrap this story up I am still suffering from this disorder off and on and I can't help but to wonder if I did this to myself by taking the pill from the devil...extacy... This is just part of the story of my life and I plan to write more about individual topics in my life..the good, the bad, and the ugly....I am doing this for self recovery and therapy...so again this is for me but anyone who would like to read you are very welcome.