Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

I hope you had a nice work out at the gym, T. You truly are remarkable with your commitment to exercise. It keeps your mind AND your body strong and fit. I have lapsed a bit on my yoga, but will be attending tonights class, as it is the easiest class for me.

Don't think about anything I posted yesterday. It's all true, and yesterday challenged me in many different areas. First, I had a note from my mother (email) asking to have lunch.

My therapist wanted me to be honest with her, and there is no way that I can tell her that we are going bankrupt. My mother wants a superficial pleasant lunch, but I haven't seen or talked to her in ages. My mother practically destroyed me, and I (through hard work with my therapist) let go.

So, I told her basically, Thank you mom, but we don't have anything to talk about.

She very unusually wrote me back telling me how sorry she is and how much she misses me and now (now?) wants to be a family, anyway we can.

So, I'm thinking about that. My mother won't always be here and I'm not a bitter person, so I will find a way to try to heal our relationship without losing myself. And, if she won't love me anymore because I'm broke and she can't brag about me, then that's her problem.

My interview was amazing. It was a group interview, I was utterly fascinated by the sort of behind the scenes ways in which a small store operated and owned by a large company works. They are interviewing one more group of women, (all my age so far, seemingly) and then I will hear back.

I did very well, and I think I stand a good chance to land the job. It is only through February, but my motto is, "get your foot in the door", so I'm trying.

Today I will cancel the membership of our small summer club, as my husband still hasn't done that.

I just have to remember that while I am waiting to settle our taxes and settle our debt, we will most likely lose everything and I won't be able to live in this home anymore. It's a fact that I keep forgetting, because we are in the wait and wait and wait mode.

But, I am well. Losing everything will give me a chance to be reborn.

Love,
J.
XO

[Loveslife]

Oh, we crossed paths, I see.
I will read your post now.

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
I GOT THE JOB!!!!!
I'M SO HAPPY.
I wonder what it pays? I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Yay!!!
Love,
J.

[tina martin]

Congratulations. Congratulations. You knocked 'em dead. If I have to look for a job (mercy, I hope not) I will consult with you. So happy for you. Everything is coming up roses.

[SoWhatif]

J, congrats and you go girl....
As genius as you can write it may be food for thought to write your mom a letter. Explain and voice all the inequties that were burdoned upon you. Do not mention her, only the issues that she had control or a part of. Write of your achievments and gains and her losses. Your therapist I believe is correct and I also think it is a mandatory part of your healing process. I will furnish the stamp for ya....

How is the DH doing? Has he seeked help? Give food for thought that it may take seperation from him to ever get him to see the light and ask or pusue some type of therapy for himself. Do not try to carry his anchor.

Good luck with the new job and we are thrilled for your achievments.

You are a keeper and a winner. Don't be shackeled by losers.

R

[bunny rabbit]

The Prodigal Daughter Comes Back: 6 am I answer the phone to hear dau sobbing "Will you love me no matter what, unconditionally". Of course, I say what's wrong. What has happened. Then a horror story unfolds, a story of a horribly abusive "Christian" marriage with a man who is a worship leader and youth leader in their church..........I am in shock, shaken to the core............ violence, control, manipulation, horrible abuse, rape, evil, enabling, irresponsibility, soaring debt, cruelty to their beloved animals, wickedness, ugliness, loss, pain, shame, judgment, humiliation on and on. My precious child being treated like a whore, raped over and over again. Nightmares, lies, so many evil twisted lies, drunkenness to stand the horror of it all. Now he is stalking her, police have been called, the house is going up for sale, I'm praying and pleading for God's protection over my daughter, all the money from my mother to buy the house, all the money we gave her that she invested and walked into the marriage with gone, all gone to satisfy his insatiable lust for power, sex, material things....... I am angry beyond words................

[SoWhatif]

Bunny, I am so sorry the girl has been used and abused by the freak. People like him make my blood boil.

I know two wrongs does not make a right but I would use him for lubricant on bulldozer tracks...

I do hope that somehow she can regain her life with someone that is real.

[Loveslife]

Dear Bunny,
I've been searching for the right words to say to you. I still don't have the right words to say to you. God.

You have to be strong. Your daughter will need medical and psychiatric care. I'm typing very slowly so I can let my

thoughts form as I'm typing. Your post is so horrible. I want to be helpful to you and i want to be hear for you.

ok. So, I will be. Just keep posting anything that you need to share, and we will listen.

But the most important thing i can say now, is your daughter will need you to be strong for her.

Love,
J.

[Loveslife]

Ok, there is so much in your post, but now is not the time to be worrying about the monetary loss. That's not important right now.

What's important is that your daughter is finally safe and away from the monster. Have the crimes been reported to the police? All the crimes?

[bunny rabbit]

Precious Online Friends: Thank you for your support, kind words and love over the web as I am shaken to the core. Safety is number 1 priority of course. My daughter has contacted police today and is getting a restraining order put in place. She is going with a friend to see a recommended female lawyer on Monday. She is in another city now and when she comes back after the weekend she hopes to rent a room in a friend's house. Her abuser has the home where she pays for everything. She has worked 4 jobs while he sits at home unemployed. I told her to stop paying for his cell phone. The mortgage has to be paid. He is supposed to be getting the house ready to be sold. Whether or not he will do that remains to be seen. The entire church are backing him and are praying for reconciliation. He is a master liar and manipulator. He has joined the choir and attends the weekly bible study. His parents are phoning and trying to get my daughter not to see a lawyer or press criminal charges. She has been hours with him on the phone. I have written and told her he is not safe. Abuse is never ever acceptable. I told her she needs to build a wall or support around herself of safe, loving people who will strengthen and support her in this war. I told her to put barbed wire on the 12' high 12' thick wall, take the phone off the hook, lock the door, pull up the drawbridge and throw the crocodiles in the moat. She passed out today and said to the person who found her I have to go to church Sunday night, I don't have a choice, the fund-raising for Africa is the project I started, I have to go. She has not slept and is barely able to eat. I have never hated a man so much in my life. I want to castrate him with the garden shears. I feel like screaming and screaming. I am in shock at the horror of it all. The horrible details of the abuse I cannot put in writing. I know I can't control my daughter's choices. She has free will. She will do what she feels she needs to do. How I wish I could control outcomes and get her away from this wicked man, a bully, a rapist, a liar and deceiver, a first class hypocrite and I have no right to judge him, forgive me God. Help me know that you are in control and have faith that you can work all this together somehow for good, beauty from ashes, my heart is broken in a million pieces, my beautiful little girl, a virgin before he raped her a few weeks before her wedding and she never told me, she never let on, this is grief beyond words ............