Marriage

Atagirl · Post by **Atagirl** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 3:52 am

Morning All - As I read the notes I think we all need to remember that we are all starting to see things clearer and/or differently. My spouse has the personality that I married 20 years ago. I made the choice to marry a person with those traits, it is not his fault. He really hasn't changed a whole lot. It is me that has allowed things to progress the way they have because of my doubts, my fears, my insecurities. None of this is an overnight fix. Where I thought I had all the problems, I am seeing that my spouse has so many unresolved issues, emotional issues, etc. Even though many times, especially lately, that I have that urge to flee, separate myself, from it all, I am holding firm that perhpas as I become stronger, more confident, more directed that the example will help all of those around me--Just as Christ called us to live by example so that we are contagious, people will want to know what we have that enables us to hold our heads so high, to laugh, to face challenges. That is my desire for all of us. That no one (even our spouses) looses in live, love, etc. Yes there will be some tough decisions to face as we get thru this, but as we learn to give compassion to ourselves, so must we learn not to become hardened to those around us who have been comfortable with our old self. Give them time. Give yourself time.

Mello Nello · Post by **Mello Nello** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 4:09 am

by the way, ive not seen any negative posts on this forum about this topic. Everyone has been very forthcoming about how they feel and have been working to try and solve conflict in thier marriages... No two marriages are alike and all suggestions may not work for every marriage. but, the suggestions are great!

writeitout · Post by **writeitout** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 9:56 am

Nelly: Apology accepted, and thank you for clearing that up. Sorry I got a little testy.

You know, you can hit the edit button, (the little pencil and eraser at the bottom of your post), and change the name. That way, the person you intended it for will benefit from it.

writeitout · Post by **writeitout** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:15 am

Hi, I checked with StressCenter on *adding* a marriage forum and they said not at this time.

If you'd like a Marriage thread please create it in the General Forum area.

Thank you for your suggestions however.

Edit: I see you have already created a working thread called "Marriage" in the General Forum so please continue to use this thread for your comments, help, etc.

I just got the above reply from Admin2 in Suggest A Forum. So, I'm happy just to continue our discussion here. Maybe the more interest that is generated, the more likely they will be to creat the forum. Thanks again for all your support!

writeitout · Post by **writeitout** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:56 am

Inner Peace: You are smart to recognize this about yourself. I did not suffer from anxiety before I got married. For me it started three years into my marriage.

Atagirl: I agree with you. I would never assume to advise someone on whether or not to leave their spouse. In fact, my best friend just separated from her husband. My only advice to her was, "Don't make any hasty decisions."

After starting this program, it confirmed to me that my marriage partner was causing so much of my anxiety as he is choosing a livestyle that is very contrary to my desires and beliefs. Trying to be a supportive spouse under these circumstances has been very hard and almost impossible in some instances.

What you wrote shocked me because of how much it sounds exactly like what I am going through, minus the three jobs! Wow. You must be some woman!

I've become much more independent myself after doing the program. I've gone ahead and pursued my goals, (goals that he claimed to share before we got married), and I don't let his actions stop me. He has even tried to sabotage me from time to time, especially when it comes to teaching out children the values he made believe he shared with me before our marriage. It baffles the mind, but I don't stay baffled for long. My children are responding beautifully, thank God, and I just "keep swimming." I hope the change you feel has a good outcome. In the meantime, I congratulate you for working on you.

I appreciate the way you are taking responsibility in your next post. I think that is healthy, as long as we do not beat up on ourselves. Your last post is so positive. Very inspiring, and I agree with you. That is how I try to live my life. I won't pretend that I don't fall into negativity from time to time. It all gets to be a bit much, but through prayer and reading my bible I regain strength, and become positive again. Also I find that the negativity usually happens when I am neglecting myself physically.

Last night, my hubby came home from work frustrated and angry. I had him lay his head in my lap and I rubbed his head until he fell asleep. I still cook his favorite meals. I still support him when I can, without it derailing me. Tonight, he announced that he is taking me out. (Hey, we have to share the good as well as the bad, right?) The good times have been few and far between, so I bask in them.

Dana: Oooh, that sounds hard to live with. Hopefully, coming here will provide you with an outlet. All we need is support.

StacyD: If being assertive is new for you, it is going to take him awhile. My husband is still adjusting. And so am I. It can be easy for me to slip back into being passive, although I've gotten better at being consistent. My advice would be, KEEP GOING! You're doing something right.

Everyone! Let's keep up the discussion. Thanks.

BROWN EYEZ · Post by **BROWN EYEZ** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 6:09 pm

I'M LEARNING THAT MY MARRIAGE HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION AS WELL. I WOULD LOVE A FORUM.

Jennafromva · Post by **Jennafromva** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 7:59 pm

I hope to get married again. I've been married to a wife abuser, coke head-he left me for a younger chick. Number 2 was a major loser-alcoholic-non working piece of crap. Number 3 is going to be right. Relationships have caused most of my problems. I hate rejection. Bipolar with PTSD-all in the choices I made in life. Atleast the Lord has me on the right path now.

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 10:32 pm

Number 3 is going to be right. Relationships have caused most of my problems. I hate rejection. Bipolar with PTSD-all in the choices I made in life. Atleast the Lord has me on the right path now.

Jennafronva

I am so glad you got away from #1 & #2. I am so sorry you had to go though that, but like I tell my daughter the optimum word is through, now you can come out and with this program, you can get back you power. and that fact that the Lord is dircting your steps now is icing on the cake. wow I am so proud of you it took courage to leave, and to make a new start, This program was so much help for my daughter after she got out of her marriage last summer. She is learning to love and respect herself, so she won't attract the users, and abusers, that try to fill that void for her. she isn't even looking for #3, I do hope when she is hole again, God will bring to her a companion, it isn't good to live alone. For now just finding good friends that arent out to use her, is a chalenge, it is as if when you don't love and respect yourself, the abusers, and the users, flock around. I tell her Come Up Higher, expect respect, and don't settle for less. I pray this time she will understand, she has told me next time She isn't even going to date him unless I like him. I pray she remembers that, when it happens again. It is good to listen to those around you, who love you already, before you jump in to another relationship. I have seen it so many times when you get rid of one only to find that same one in another person. Some how you keep picking the same problems, untill you settle the problem in you. In every relationship there is one constent denominator, you, fix you and see the diffrence, it will make. Your confidence, will attract a whole new type of guys. I kissed alot of frogs before I met my prince. and he was well worth the wait.

You mentioned PTSD, is that military?

writeitout · Post by **writeitout** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 4:04 am

I wanted that say thank you for supporting this discussion. Please keep it going. I am leaving these boards. But don't feel bad for me. I wil find another source of support. In fact, I have recently been blessed with a new group of friends that have already been helpful. If you need to know why I've chosen to leave, go to Suggest a Forum, and see People of Color Forum, my last post. Peace.

Vegasmomof4 · Post by **Vegasmomof4** » Sat Sep 22, 2007 4:05 am

I have been seeing a counselor for almost a year now, and she seems to think that I tune into my anxiety and physical symptoms to get my mind off of my marriage. So, when I am so fixated on my anxiety I am not thinking about my marriage. What do you all think about that.