Dear Diary

[SoWhatif]

Yes I am abit cranky today because I care.
R

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
R. is cranky. I think he is delightful and honest and sometimes it is hard to hear honesty. Honesty is what has helped me to make changes in my life. I'm grateful that I wasn't too afraid to listen.

Yesterday was a great day diary. I rode my bike to the bike shop and had it serviced and the air filled in my tires. My bike is pink with foot brakes and three speeds, with a basket. I love it. I think I feel very satisfied that I took care of my bike all by myself. I didn't ask for help and I didn't need the help. (well, unless you count the bike shop, which I don't. The service was free)

I was early and there before they opened, so I encountered other biking enthusiasts outside of the shop. One couple mapped out a great ride for me, all flat, and a scenic ride along the beaches. This is a new hobby that I can do and enjoy all by myself. I like that.

Ok diary. I am avoiding telling you about my psychiatrist appointment. All was going swimmingly, la de da, and I was talking about my trip and tennis and the bike ride and how to go forward with my plans to become either an LPN or a CT Scan Tech when I just stopped talking. I had about 30 minutes left and I just said that nobody asked me about Brooke in California. It was as if she didn't exist. I told her that I was reading a Charlie Sheen Article in Vanity Fair and this didn't trigger me to think about Brooke, and other topics about drugs didn't trigger me to think about Brooke, but the absence of her name in California did trigger me to start remembering Brooke.

Dr. W told me that I am extremely traumatized and have closed more then half of me off. She said that I was the greatest "pretender" that she has ever met. I pretend that everything is fine.

She told me that I have a parallel universe (Brooke) that I don't let come into my conscience. She said it is because I have been so badly traumatized. I let her into my life again, and was filled with hope on Christmas Eve, and then she was re arrested and put in jail.

I cried and cried in therapy yesterday. Dr. W told me that it was my safe place and that I can cry there if I want too.

I asked her over and over what to do. Should I call the lawyer? Should I call her father? Should I learn what jail she is in? Should I learn if she has left jail and back on the streets? Please just tell me what to do, Dr. W??????

She said "Why do I need to be the one to tell you what to do" "why is that so important to you"

Without thinking I blurted through my tears "because I'm always the one figuring things out. Please just tell me what to do"

She said "do what feels safe for you" So, I called her when I got home and told her that I wasn't going to do anything until I talk to Dr. W. again in her office. It doesn't feel safe to let my emotions out yet.

Ok. So, at least I'm thinking about it now and telling you diary. This is a big step.

I am working the midnight shift tonight. I'm also working on Monday, but hope to participate in the sailing regatta too. I'll see how much energy I have. He isn't working yet, and I'm trying to keep his confidence up. I can see that he is sinking into an awful depression. I can't let this bring me into a depression too.

He was elected to be on the board of our condo homeowners assoc. so that should be helpful. I am on a committee too.

All in all, my life is so, so, so, so, so, much better then where it was.

Should I be an LPN or a CT Scan Tech. I like the idea of radiology. I'm more in favor of that....

Love,
Me.

PS I started a new book called "Girl in Translation" about a mother and daughter that move from China to America and have nothing. The mother reminds me of Tina. (it's a compliment)

[Paisleegreen]

Hi R, I keep getting the message that DS is disrespecting me due to DH not standing up for me. He has always been this way and is a frustration to my eldest son, b/c it carries over in our business. My eldest has to be the bad guy. DH has always been one to not speak up and then blow his top later. He babies this youngest son due to needing his help and feeling some guilt due to his temper with my late son.

DH mentioned in therapy to the Dr that the eldest DS remembers me as being very active in my children's upbringing, being a bread winner, making sure the kids did their chores, planning events, taking them on family vacations w/o DH because he was always busy.

I'm not the same person and working things out w/o anti-depressants, which I must say, I think I'm doing pretty good, considering. I feel pretty lonely these days and neglected. The Dr has been working with us on that part, but it has always been our service business that has taken first place. I manned the house, yard and children, now all this responsibility and control has been taken away and DH does not acknowledge all that I have done and sacrificed. I even sacrificed my inheritance unknowingly and good mental health so that DH could pursue his dreams or occupation.

So I thought that by now, I should be able to have some "rest" and some respect. Definitely, have some rooms of the house for some of my hobbies or at least have a say in what furniture should go in the guest room. DH has never really been a family discussion type of person.

One thing I commented on with the DR a few visits back is that I have no shelter or place for my gardening stuff. No patio cover, or shed. We have a shop and a large garage, but it gets used for our business, even when things have been moved around and I ask for the use of some shelving, I'm turned down. I've reported before that my hoop house was never put up because DH didn't want to put a temporary cover on it, such as Plastic. But that is what you do with a hoop house.

We had a large tarp from my parents house, but noone was willing to help me cover up all the pots and supplies I got from buying a Nursery that I was going to propagate plants in and sell. I've pretty much given up on that dream and I'm willing to let go of the pots, etc., but not the hoop house frame work. I'm still going to hang on to some pots as things can change.
Just as the Dr said, DS won't be living at my house forever.

What "space" are you talking about? Are you talking about my family room that DS cleared all my stuff out of and made it into his media room w/ our 4 ft wide TV that I never really got to enjoy? This is the room he invites his young adult friends over to watch after he downloads shows off the computer or they play DVDs. I hardly know how to operate this.

I had plans to do aerobic workouts, sew, tie quilts, scrapbook, cut stain glass, etc in this family room. It has a nice fireplace w/a woodburning stove inserted in it and a nice hearth to sit on. It remains pretty much empty except for the occasions when the friends came over. That hasn't been happening lately since he started working on the pick up truck and his GF is back in college out of town.

So today I'm going to clear out the stuff in my main floor scrapbook/family history room and take it down stairs to sort through while DS is gone for a day or two. I already set up a table for this purpose. I will have to be strong and not falter when he has a fit when he sees my stuff in the corner of the family room. DH is suppose to talk to him about seeing the Psychologist, I bet he hasn't talked to him about it yet. DS and Eldest DS are out of town for work. So I'm enjoying my alone time.

All I know is that my Grandchildren love me and I've been sacrificing time to watch them and also spend time with them. My Granddaughter comes over everyday after school to work in my garden and earn a paper dollar. Then 4 1/2 Grandson "sneaks" over to see me and play as well. He is a lot like my late son, where he wanders off...his mother doesn't know that he has left his house on his bike until I call her and let her know. At least he comes to Grandma's, instead of the other direction where there is a busy street. So I worry about him...

Thanks for you replies, I don't think you are cranky, you are just expressing what I feel about the whole situation. It is frustrating and all I can do is work on myself and try to stay positive. I know that my happiness comes from being with other people and watching children, plants and critters grow. I like to be creative and enjoy learning and doing new things. I enjoy visiting places of interest and of historical value. I enjoy discussing things like this, so it takes a lot of patience to listen to many family members talk about our business, vehicles and machinery.

I guess that is where my depression started coming in a couple years back, even while being on two anti-depressants. P.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J, I think our messages crossed eachother's! I'm so happy for you being independent with your bike and a bit jealous! Ah, riding along the oceanside sounds so wonderful to me!

I'm sorry about Brooke, sometimes we have to put our children in a different compartment so that we can function. You don't have much control over what Brooke does, so it is painful to always have her in the forefront of your thoughts and actions. I watched Dr Phil yesterday and the day before where they were doing an intervention on Alexandra, a young woman who has had 3 children out of wedlock and doesn't have custody of any of them due to her drug addiction. I'm not sure if you watch Dr Phil or know of this ongoing story. Dr Phil was called in a long time ago when the girl was 14 and in trouble to help out. But she just keeps getting into more trouble and driving the Mother crazy with worry and concern. The Mother is the main caregiver of her children.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you as you work this out w/ your DD. Hugs, Paislee

[Paisleegreen]

I'm not feeling very good again...I went into my scrapbook room finally and started to take things out. It isn't bad, its just that the anticipatory anxiety is getting to me. What will DS do or DH do when they see that I've taken these things out and they are in the hallway or down in the basement! I'm really feeling dizzy and scared, my legs are heavy. I have a lump in my throat.

I want to cry...I feel like calling my Dr...the psychologist. I know I will be okay to go to a graduation tomorrow, people aren't scaring me, it is my family! Help! I have yet to get in the bathtub, I feel sick. I anticipate my husband showing up...when I hear a car go by.

The scrapbook room has so many memories of plans for the future and the past! I'm so scared!

[Paisleegreen]

Hi all--After I posted this, I took a bath and called my Dr. Then I started to think about things, got dressed and rested. I then started to feel better as I gave myself some positive self talk and then I called the lady that lives at one of our properties. It was good to talk to her and I listened to her tell me her problems. She understands how overwhelming it can be to go through stuff and she has things so much rougher. So before I called her, I had felt good enough that I didn't need my Dr to call me.

While I was on the phone, I was able to go back into the scrapbook room and go through things. I actually was able to throw things away and put things in a give away box and also things for my Grandchildren to have now. They showed up at my house while I was on the phone and so that was convenient. They could take the stuff right then and there. Anyway, I'm feeling better about things and it also helps to eat in a timely manner. It was good to take that first step...and then step away and process the anxiety. Paislee

[SoWhatif]

P, Please stop berating yourself. Lets think for a moment. This is YOUR house. They have taken over..... If they come and say one thing that is not helping or nice then tell them to go howl at the moon. i AM HEART ATTACK SERIOUS, and Thats a lot nicer than I would put them in their place with. PC correct be damd, their seems no shortage at them running over your feelings and needs. Maybe another approach would be "dear son get your stuff organized and in a neat way and this is not a motel and I am or your not room service" as he is not paying for his own welfare, shall I list the ways. Please do not tell me about how busy or hard they work, it has no bearing about how they flop or impede your space.
I would hire a neibor kid or someone to do the work and the changes your dying for and in reality NEED for the family that will prosper with a stronger and more reminnisant you. Please do not feel I am bullying you. The money spent at the therapist may be better spent hiring the projects you want and not disterbing your DH as as youve mentioned he is his work. He will follow suit when boy gets from in between ya's. He, ds is playing the two of you even if it is not intentional or even realized. You feel the results and we, T ,J AND i SEE IT IN YOUR WORDS. i FEEL FOR THE PAIN AND ANGQUISH.
Breath in thru the nose and out thru the mouth little sister. I am thrilled you got started with your task and do not be detoured or intiminated. My spelling sucks, sorry.
Just think your doing all this on your own and without the meds it can be a anxious mission so feel it and move into the light. Remember the old saying, no pain no gain? The more worn I get the more it hurts, if we do not carry out the mission it will not get done and then their pain will only grow when it becomes realized.
I need to stop while I am ahead. Chin up sunshine and may the force be with ya.
R

[Loveslife]

Great job, Paislee!!!!
I'm proud of you.

[SoWhatif]

j YOUR AMAZING, you are a rare stone.
This is really kool about the bike, again yur awsume.

Sounds like the Dr. kinda crapped in your cherrios, sorry. It would be a challange with Brooke, does the dr know what you have done for her? One thing maybe is write her letters and maybe get her to reach out. Sometimes we must let go and let God.
The dreams of flying in the helium balloon I will say I think like the Dr. mentioned about the other dreams abit back that she thought it was much more close and in todays timeframe. I believe the anchor your DH has around your neck along wth other neg.s are the root cause. In his own untold misery he is trying to hold you back to his level of grief if not blame ya. My advise would be the same as Brookys, let go let God. Continue taking care of you and maybe in time you will have the strength and the knowlege to regain a relationship. Anyway I hope so for ya. Keep keeping on sister, you are a light to be proud of. If it was me I would put a little less emphasis on the blotting out as Dr. mentioned. There are times when our father shields us from pain we may not be able or strong enough to handle.
Something that poked at me a page or two back was when DH gave you permission to go to classes. He may be your husband , he is not your master. You only have to answer to one and he has not been on this earth in many a millenium.
Bless ya and hope your graveyard shift goes well tonight. Have a hot chocolate and a treat on me.
Do not be afraid to use them hovering Angels.

R

[Loveslife]

R. I love the letter idea. It never even occurred to me. Thank you. I will start writing Brooke ASAP. This means I will learn what prison she is in, but at least I'll have a purpose.
Thank you again.
Off to work now...