Family expectations

[Gigi123]

Hi guys,

I just need some advice. I have worked SO hard the last couple of years to be more assertive and sometimes say no to my family/friends. I always felt growing up that I had to do 100% of what was asked of me, which was a lot! That's fine when I was a kid but as I grew up and have become an adult, I lived with this constant anxiety that if I didn't do 100% of what was asked of me, didn't go over every time I was asked to visit that I was letting people down and my family let me know by trying to make me feel very guilty. I also have a large family, divorced parents and my fiancé's family. We have A LOT of birthdays, family get togethers etc... Sometimes the compromise is that instead of going for dinner and visiting all evening, we'll go for coffee and cake a little later in the evening, or if we don't visit that evening, we'll stop by the next week to celebrate. My fiancé also has a VERY busy job and I know he finds all the visiting can be a little overwhelming.

My sister on the other hand has a very much child/parent relationship with my parents and is over at their place several times a week, goes to everything, does everything they say and lives almost in fear of my parents and what they would do or say if she didn't do all of the above. So she sent me an email today saying that I am hurting people's feelings and she just wasn't sure if I was aware of this. The last thing I would want to do is hurt anyone's feelings because we don't always go for the entire duration of a family event and on the rare occasion haven't gone at all. I have to at the same time take care of myself as well and live a healthy life where I don't feel like I'm trying every waking minute to live up to their expectations of me and appease them. I love my family very much and I'm really struggling with this. I know I can't control others feelings and only my own but her email just made me feel badly, which I'm assuming were her intentions.

[tina martin]

As far as I'm concerned (and I am the parent of adult children) you have every right to be true to meet your needs and preferences. When parents (or siblings) fail to make allowances for you as an adult that is their problem, not yours.

Be strong and claim your autonomy. You love them but need not be owned by them. We are here to support you. Wishing you the best.

[Gigi123]

Thanks Tina I appreciate the support and will take your words to heart. I think the problem is they take it personally when it has nothing to do with them. We love them just the same, we do enjoy visiting with them which I already feel we do a lot of but we also have a life. I guess I have to get over feeling like I have any control over other's feelings or what they're going to think of me.

[tina martin]

Of course you love them and maybe there will be opportunities when you can speak to them gently and calmly explaining yourself and your circumstances.

My brother was like your sister and I had to bear the terrible sorrow of moving far away. I was angry at him at times, but the loss of him remains my greatest sorrow. So peace with your sister is the best way.

[Gigi123]

My sister and I always get over our issues, so that's a positive. I just feel like I've brought this up with my parents before and I don't think they really understood. I'm seeing a therapist now, so she's hopefully going to try and help me with this.