New Father Anxiety....Am I helping out enough??

[Georgio]

Help….
I am a new adoptive father of a beautiful 6 week old baby boy. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and I am still struggling to adjust. I have a ton of anxiety and also depression. I want to be the best father and helping husband and I am putting all of this pressure on myself to make sure that I am there to help my wife and make sure that I am meeting all of her expectations. Even though she tells me over and over that I am doing a great job, I still feel like I am not living up to her expectations. She just wants me to get over this and be the normal guy that I was.

Add to this the fact that I was a very active person who exercised 5 days a week. I have not exercised for the last couple of weeks because I am sooooo tired in the morning and then when I get home I want to be available to help with the newborn and have no motivation to do any sort of exercise. This then creates a sense of guilt that I should be exercising but if I exercise I have a sense of guilt that I should be doing more to help. But I am not sure what else to do.

Any suggestions on positive self talk for me....anyone???

[mosaic1989]

Oh being a new parent is challenging, and tiring. I remember feeling bad as a mom that I wasn't doing very well. Try to rest when you can because your adjusting to a whole new life, and try to take it one day at a time. I think we get too stressed out thinking of that little baby's whole life and how we may influence them. Sometimes it is difficult for dad's because they feel they are trying to learn from mom how to care from the baby. It sounds like your doing great, mostly that baby needs physical comfort right now and sometimes it's hard to know exactly the right thing to do. Just do your best and it sounds like you are. Try to not be so hard on yourself, especially if your wife says your doing well. Your doing a good thing my asking her and she will tell you if she needs more. It's all going to work out fine. My baby is 15 now and I remember fondly those beginning days even though at the time I was really stressed out because he had reflux, and cried a lot. Try to relax, I bet your a great dad!

[tina martin]

Sometimes I think that in the interest of "advancement" the world is regressing. Why should a loving, hard working, devoted father and husband feel as you do? Because impossible demands are made on men and women. I do come from an earlier generation and things were different. Not perfect, for sure. But a man was there to provide for the family first and foremost. Your love for your baby and wife speak volumes. The rest will come naturally.

Praise yourself, praise yourself. Ask your wife what you can do to help. And then take some time to exercise. Try and turn every negative thought around to a positive one. Your darling baby is so lucky to have you and your wife. Things get easier as baby starts to sleep through the night. The mere fact that you are here tells us (and you) what a fine man you are.

[Iwillbebetter]

also, Trying to "be the best" at anything will cause imense anxiety and depression!! I think many times in the world we "try to be the best" far to often, and in doing that it what causes us to never come close. It's not about doing your best it's about being your best! What your wife and child need most is for you to love them, (which from your post there is no doubt that you do) the rest will come naturally. I would try to get back into a exersice routine, if anything maybe just lessen it a little, shorten your routine.

[Georgio]

Thanks all, I thought that I was getting better and had a slight set back last evening. My wife was out with her sister so I was watching the little guy on my own. He would not stop screaming so I ended up calling my wife. She was planning to go to the store and ended up coming straight home instead. She was very mad that I was not able to handle it on my own and that she had to come straight home. I feel very guilty now and I don't know how to make it up to her. I told her that I was sorry but that does not help my anxious thoughts that she is going to be upset for a looooong time now. Never thought this would be such a struggle.

[tina martin]

This gets your wife big demerits. Never mind, you proceed undaunted. You watch him again and just pick him up, speak softly to him, gently pat his back (gas may be hurting him), maybe change him, maybe a little bottle. All is well.

Do not let your wife get you down. She's no expert; I surely was not and neither was my husband. We learned together. Hope you are smiling at your sweet baby. You are a great dad.

P.S. You need not tell her all you learned here. Just take over when you see her approach is not working. Be cool.