Very strange and really scary thoughts- about the world

[nicmarie9]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here, so I just wanted to say thank you for reading my post!

I can remember my first panic attack happening when I was 14 years old. It was very powerful and scary and I feel like my whole life has gotten scarier since that moment. I know that before that moment I did have episodes of anxiety and worry. As a little girl I constantly worried about being kidnapped (I had an over active imagination and I would sit up awake at night listening to strangers outside, walking past my parents home, imagining that they would break in through the window and steal me from my parents.) I have probably always been anxious, but now I am an adult who never learned to cope with extreme anxiety, and I feel out of control.

For some reason, at 14 years old I was staring at a map of the world and I imagined what it would look like if the world was flipped upside down. Would I fall off? Ugh, typing this is even giving me anxiety. Anyway, I am 30 years old now. I have read ( or rather tried to read) physics text books to calm myself and soothe myself. I have found so many answers as to why the earth stays in place, and why we dont fly off, and how everything is going to be OK?? That the "ground below us is not going to disappear". For some reason that is my biggest fear fantasy. I can't seem to let go of this thought.

i try SO hard to tell myself that this fear is emotionally based, and not real or logical. i try not to let the thought that we are floating in space FREAK ME OUT. But it does, and I am scared every day. It's ruining my life. I dont get in planes, I hate being in cars, I dont like being on the subway, and I work in a high rise in times square. i feel so disconnected and out of control all of the time.I have read the books, and I have tried therapy (which worked once for 3 years, but now I'm having some challenges in life again. I always felt like my therapist helped me, but we ended up talking about my life a lot and I always wanted to talk about my anxiety more. Eventually talking about my life helped the anxiety subside, but the fear fantasy never went away. It just quieted.). I feel like there is no help for me, and what really upsets me is that these thoughts are so weird, and strange, and scary I feel like there is no one else out there who thinks these thoughts. I feel alone, and helpless.

Is there anyone out there who has ever had thoughts like these?? Anyone who has ever been able to conquer this fear fantasy?

I'm not on drugs, never have been, but I find that on the weekend I indulge in too much wine. I spend the rest of the week feeling guilty about my drinking, and upset that I have no control in life.

Sigh... I guess I'm just venting, but it would be nice to hear someone's thoughts.

thank you so much,
nic

[tina martin]

Good for you for realizing alcohol can get out of control.

I've known someone with anxiety from the time she was young. She improved as she got older. Sometimes low dose of anti-anxiety meds. are indicated and can help. A therapist would work with you. Then there is the program here which can also go a long way to help you. We all live with the same fears. Life is perilous for each of us. We can help ourselves by reading and thinking and even writing and we can help each other by sharing. Perhaps this can help a little.

[Islandboy37]

Hello there,

I suffered through anxiety and depression a few years back and like to consider myself anxiety free now I used the program and before I was even finished I I was almost fully recovered and "normal" if you will. As a matter of fact, the program was so effective that I was the 1st patient of my anxiety Dr. to recover without medication!

That said, the crazy thoughts that you are having are NORMAL when you have anxiety. When you have anxiety, you trend to fill your head with these types of thoughts. These "what if" thoughts tend to be untrue, which is what it seems to be in your case. Unfortunately, people with our condition entertain these types of negative thoughts night and day when they are so unfounded. It's a thinking pattern that is very hard to get out of, but when you do it just feels fantastic.

Just remember you are not alone. And I commend you for finding your way to this board. You are stronger than what you probaly believe right now. When you eventually kick this you will breathe a breath of fresh air and be at peace.

Cheers,

Islandboy

[nicmarie9]

Thank you both for your kind words. it helps to know that I am not crazy, or a wack-o. In fact amongst my friends and family I am their go to person for all things they want to vent about! Ha, it's probably part of my issue. I never let them know what my fear fantasies are, although as of let I have been opening up a bit more about it. I know that the first step is joining the board, and not self medicating with wine, even though its so easy to!

I dont know why, but I feel like if I heard ONE other person say they had these thoughts, or similar thoughts I would feel justified that I am not that bad off. Haha... what is that about?

again, thanks tina and island!!!

[nicmarie9]

But I'm still just curious--

Is there anyone out there in Anxietyland who has a fear fantasy that they feel is too great to bear? I feel like "loss of control" is the biggest factor in my panic attacks and anxieties.

Does anyone have any coping mechanisms for coping with the feeling of a loss of control??

[trippyscc]

I completely sympathize with having really odd thoughts. I think that's a hallmark of anxiety. When I was really struggling with anxiety anything could bother me. I mean, I could look at a table and seemingly automatically think up some dire thought that would make me feel anxious. Your personal thoughts seem to deal with gravity and what if the world doesn't work like it's supposed to. It's like you've literally got the weight of the world on your shoulders. And I think that's what anxiety feels like to most of us. It feels like our every move has to be so careful or the world is just going to spin off its axis and we'll lose total control. I'm sure you know intellectually that that's not going to happen but that probably doesn't help how that thought makes you feel.

We all have different thoughts. But the common thread is a fear of losing some type of control. What helped me was kind of realizing that I don't really have control anyway. I try to control all kinds of things in my life but when it comes down to it, I don't really have control. And letting go of trying to control things is really the only true control we have. There is such freedom in that. "Let Go" has become my sort of mantra. And turning things over to God is really my only way of truly accomplishing that. God is in control so I don't have to be. I don't always feel that emotionally but knowing it intellectually is a start and with enough practice I can feel it most of the time.

[nicmarie9]

Thank you for saying that. Yes-- that's pretty much what the anxiety is about. *What if* the world (universe), or powers that are in control don't work the way that we think they're supposed to? *What if* everything is really in peril and we are unsafe on this freaky rock plummeting through space? Uggh, the thought of it freaks me out. It's so weird. I mean I guess I don't know where we should be instead. I fee like I have an existential anxiety. And yes, it is most definitely related to religion, and death.

I guess when you're filled to the brim with anxiety then you want to know WHAT is going to happen all the time, and is my safety at danger? How can I trust that everything is going to be OK? Who is looking out for us? If it's not WHO then WHAT? And does WHAT care that we are just humans who want to have happy, safe lives? What if the WHAT is a cold neutral universe that will wipe us out at any time.

I guess a therapist would have a field day with my comments above. I'm obviously feeling unsafe, and uncomforted in my current life. I do feel overly responsible. I pay all the bills while my bf struggles to make it here in NYC. He pays rent, but only a portion of it. I can see how much hard work he needs to do to catch up to the pacing here, and it's tough. He is miserable about this aspect of his life, all the while his estranged father lays in bed hundreds of miles away, dying of stage 4 lung cancer.

There is a personal element to it, as well as a spiritual one. I was raised Catholic, but I have issues grappling with what I believe in. I really just don't know, and on some days the responsibility of being an adult seems to weigh heavily on me. I guess thats why some people look to God. To feel that sense of assuredness and comfort. I don't know if I am atheist, agnostic, or a believer. I really just dont know. I would like to believe in something, and so far, I find that I believe in a metaphysical being who is a higher power fueled by positive creative energy. I know that sounds spiritual and intellectual. I guess I just don't feel good knowing that there are people out there who would look down upon my beliefs, or tell me that I cant find comfort in them.

Sorry, I opened my anxious can of worms... Thank you trippy for your thoughts, they are actually really helping me put things into perspective.

[KAMO]

You are not alone in your anxiety and fearful thoughts, as I have had them also for the past 3 years. I have a fear of something happening to my husband and I'll be left all alone for the rest of my life. I don't even want him to go get gas without me. Mine is also a control issue as I think him being with me will keep him safe. To me, my thoughts are weird because I know in my head I cannot control what happens to another person. I saw 2 counselors, but it didn't do any good. Part of my problem deals with my father who at 83, is still a control freak, an alcoholic, and a narcissist. Everything in his life is about him, what he wants, what's best for him, and I think he's part of my problem. The only good think this anxiety has done for me is it has brought God in my life. Maybe this is just one of the trials He's putting me through to bring me closer to Him. If you're not currently going to church, please start. It can make all the difference in the world.

[nicmarie9]

Thank you KAMO. Yeah, I might want to try going to a spiritual center, or bringing it into my life some more. Actually, the more that I seek out others belief systems (other than Catholic) that match my own personal sentiments on religion, the more and more I find that what I believe is very closely associated with Buddhism. Luckily where I live there are a lot of Buddhist temples, and people from all ethnicities who attend. I might start trying to meditate and go to a Buddhist temple. I think I would be comfortable there. Thanks for the encouragement!

I'm sorry to hear about your father. I know what you mean about having a parent that wraps you into their ways. My mother is an extremely loving human being, and her approval always means the "world" to me. She has a lot of her own quirkiness, insecurities, and hang ups about control. I cant really list them all, but she wont drive over bridges, or stay out of the house too late at night. She has been a housewife since the early 80's, and wont admit that the world out there freaks her out. I think about how that has affected me- someone who wants to see the whole world, and works in a competitive industry. It's hard to grapple with having a parent who is so different from you, and has put a lot of their anxiety on you.

[Observe]

Everyone with panic disorder have crazy irrational thoughts so even though you may not find someone with the same thought they’re all in the same category, “IRRATIONAL”. With that said you are not alone. With regards to your irrational thought stop fighting it. Just observe the thought as if you were another person and then come up with reasons why this most likely won’t happen. Where’s the evidence. Has this ever happened, etc. Write it down. If it did ever happen (you start floating or falling) you’ll deal with it then. And if you did start floating or falling which is unlikely how do you know you won’t enjoy it. The point is you’re scared and anxious of the unknown which is completely normal even for people without anxiety. The difference is they don’t get the physical sensations or the irrational thoughts. By the way, these physical sensations never last and you’ve already proven you can handle them. Stop judging yourself and start giving yourself credit for already handling what you’ve already been through. Be proud of yourself. Give yourself a break. See yourself as a separate entity, like a friend. Now take care of yourself like you would a friend. What would you tell them? How would you treat them?