I feel ashamed of myself and my weakness. I can look at myself and rationally, I know I could count my blessings. Yet, I am stressed out, and I am worried. I pick at the smallest details and if there is a day without problems, I think I look for them.
My son is healthy, I'm in a relationship now, and decently financially stable. Oh but I am scared. I'm waiting for it to all fall down around me, I'm waiting to fail.
It's hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because each day could bring ruin to me and to the small world I have created. I live in terror of the day that anyone that loves me realizes how despicable I can be. I have contingency plans for being alone, I expect it. I try to emotionally distance myself from people so it isn't as devastating as it happens. I don't want to be like this. I want to be like the person I pretend to be.
Point of Crumbling
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Guest
Gwen,
You are not dispicable. You are doing what most single moms do. I am a single mom as well. Naturally, we have more fears than our single counterparts because when we get rejected, people are not just rejecting us, but rejecting our children, and our way of life as well (even if this is not the case we imagine it to be this way). This is a painful thing to accept. so we put up this very strong exterior and we dare people to get in. And if we even sense that they are going to hurt us in some way, then we strike first so we don't get hurt. It comes from our motherly instinct to protect. But we know that this is a miserable existance and that is why we are here, seeking help. I have a gratitude list that I keep by my bed and I have to read it every morning before I get out of bed otherwise, I'd still be there in bed now. Try it it might help you. Best of luck.
You are not dispicable. You are doing what most single moms do. I am a single mom as well. Naturally, we have more fears than our single counterparts because when we get rejected, people are not just rejecting us, but rejecting our children, and our way of life as well (even if this is not the case we imagine it to be this way). This is a painful thing to accept. so we put up this very strong exterior and we dare people to get in. And if we even sense that they are going to hurt us in some way, then we strike first so we don't get hurt. It comes from our motherly instinct to protect. But we know that this is a miserable existance and that is why we are here, seeking help. I have a gratitude list that I keep by my bed and I have to read it every morning before I get out of bed otherwise, I'd still be there in bed now. Try it it might help you. Best of luck.
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Guest
Gweneseth,
I am married, but my husband drives semi and my daughter and I are on our own 90% of the time. I know how you feel by distancing yourself or putting up a wall to protect yourself, I do it too. The problem is...isn't that a sure way to get the result you fear. If you dwell and anticipate a bad end, and pull yourself away and not give your all to the person you are with I feel it is the start of the end. I know it is hard, but we need to focus on the "precious present moment". Jugray had some good advice. Focus on what you have, be grateful, and know what a good person you are. We all have our bad days, and our "bad" traits. But I gauruntee you there is tons more good than bad! We are not striving for perfection, perfection doesn't exist. Try to learn to appreciate and be grateful for the days without problems. They are rare, unfortunately that is life. I find myself waiting a lot. Telling myself once this crisis is done I'll be okay. Once this problem goes away I can deal. That NEVER happens. Life is full of bumps, dents, crinks, and cracks. It is what makes life worth living. That and your son. Hang in there and get better for yourslef and to be a better, strong mother to your son. Good luck to you. Remember it took a long time to get like this. Change takes time, it is a journey. Think of it like an adventure. Stay positive.
I am married, but my husband drives semi and my daughter and I are on our own 90% of the time. I know how you feel by distancing yourself or putting up a wall to protect yourself, I do it too. The problem is...isn't that a sure way to get the result you fear. If you dwell and anticipate a bad end, and pull yourself away and not give your all to the person you are with I feel it is the start of the end. I know it is hard, but we need to focus on the "precious present moment". Jugray had some good advice. Focus on what you have, be grateful, and know what a good person you are. We all have our bad days, and our "bad" traits. But I gauruntee you there is tons more good than bad! We are not striving for perfection, perfection doesn't exist. Try to learn to appreciate and be grateful for the days without problems. They are rare, unfortunately that is life. I find myself waiting a lot. Telling myself once this crisis is done I'll be okay. Once this problem goes away I can deal. That NEVER happens. Life is full of bumps, dents, crinks, and cracks. It is what makes life worth living. That and your son. Hang in there and get better for yourslef and to be a better, strong mother to your son. Good luck to you. Remember it took a long time to get like this. Change takes time, it is a journey. Think of it like an adventure. Stay positive.
Thank you for the responses. I always kind of feel like I'm just whining, or I'm met with comments like 'suck it up, it's not that bad, you're life is great.'
I don't think hardly anyone that knows me really gets it. I feel like I'm dying most days, even if I'm smiling. I'm so fake it's like I'm made out of plastic.
I don't think hardly anyone that knows me really gets it. I feel like I'm dying most days, even if I'm smiling. I'm so fake it's like I'm made out of plastic.
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Guest
Gwen,
No one here will ever think you are whining. We are all here fighting the same fight, that constant struggle with our inner voice. You have recognized that it is a problem for you and that's the first step. You now need to act on this whether it's through Lucinda's program or somewhere else. This place is a great start. There are some super people here who are very helpful and supportive. Love yourself and take care of yourself. If you ever need to talk just pm me. Trust me, I get it.
No one here will ever think you are whining. We are all here fighting the same fight, that constant struggle with our inner voice. You have recognized that it is a problem for you and that's the first step. You now need to act on this whether it's through Lucinda's program or somewhere else. This place is a great start. There are some super people here who are very helpful and supportive. Love yourself and take care of yourself. If you ever need to talk just pm me. Trust me, I get it.