Forgiving, forgetting...

[bevhembree]

I need help recovering from a bad week. The "highlight" was asking hubby to take me out after a week, actually month, of being sick, and having a down week spent in bed alot. His response was agitation, me not understanding that he saw me as too sick to do much around the house but all of a sudden having energy to do what I wanted to do. I saw it as a chance to get out of the house, away from the kids, break the down cycle, get a new start....

When I pushed him to explain, he gave me his understanding along with a verbal and mental whipping. When he was done with name calling, put downs, threats of divorce......I was devastated. We stayed away for the day until I tried to make some headway that evening, but BIG mistake. I ended up in tears and at a breaking point. I went into a tailspin.

Then he decided to change tunes and try to help me out of it. He's either my rock or my downfall. He understands better than anyone and has seen all I go through. I have to hide it from my family who would rather pull the wool over their eyes. His family?? Blood is thicker than water. Tried that- lose every time.

We made up and I'm coming out of the depression. Anxiety is still sky high, eating a lot, smoking twice as much, can't get motivated and really can't forget the things he said. They play over and over in my mind. I don't like him much right now though I'm being civil.

How can your loved one hit you while you're down and kick and kick you into oblivion mentally and verbally? How do you go on except they're the only one you have to lean on?

When he says he loves me, I say it back but am thinking "go to hell!" ANY advice on grudge holding and moving on out there? THANKS!

[bevhembree]

Thanks Mrs T, you always know the right words to say. It is a blessing and curse at the same time, but you are right to pray for those who are in the wrong.

My grandpa loves grandma with all his heart and soul but gets so aggitated with her dementia and physical problems. They've been together 63 years so I know they've been through it all and always turned to God and their faith in Him and each other. SO your advice makes so much sense.

I won't say it will be easy but it will heal and I will go on. I will lean on your understanding and trust myself to let go however hard it is.

Just wondering if anyone out there has the same problem with their partner who loses it sometimes but is an absolute God send at others????

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Bev, I have gone through a few things such as this that has given me much heartache. It worked out that I could leave town and visit my sister and be with her family and visit other relatives that welcomed me. It was scary to go on this trip as that last time I went on one, my youngest adult child, took it upon himself to rearrange a common room in the house and removed some furniture I was expecting to stay along with much of my stuff.

Anyway, long story short, I'm having issues with DH on allowing this child a bit more control over my household than should be. But I was able to visit with my new therapist and it was planned that we go in together to discuss this child and our roles together in getting along and setting boundaries. This was after I took my trip to my relatives. Well, the trip did me good and I was able to talk to DH on my cell phone as my sister pointed out how he showed his love by preparing my vehicle for the trip, filling it up with gas, giving me cash, etc.

I traveled home listening to some positive and inspirational CD's and did a lot of praying while on the lonely highway. So I felt better about things, but the appt w/the Dr was a blow out. I thought it was at 1:00PM and it was at 12 noon. I never forget or confused appointments, but this time I arrived I felt on time and the receptionist said I just missed it. I blurted out, You're kidding! She was taken aback since she had never seen me like this, I was nervous and stressed and very anxious to have a meeting together w/ the new DR to discuss our issues.

Well, it worked out fine, we having totally talked about our issues, but I was able to look at my child in the eyes and I prayed for him and myself, privately, to feel better and try not to worry about him so much. I haven't posted what happened that was so distressing, I might later. But it was enough that I didn't want to have any contact with this child for a few days or so, my feelings had been hurt so bad.
It sort of feels like me against the two males living in the house and my world does not revolve around their "man" world. They are service oriented, hard workers, helpful, etc. but the son has a few privileges I don't feel he needs or should have. It is more directed at my domain, that most every woman of the house should have control over. Space! LOL

Anyway, because I have softened my heart and am seeing my DH in a different light and DS. We can at least be in the same room together and talk. It is just me adjusting to Empty Nest syndrome and partly loneliness and probably changes in hormones. Ugh. LOL!

I have to give my DH credit because he really helped me through this panic attack/anxiety issue that is so new to me and the whole family. They aren't use to me being so scared or anxious. So they are reacting to my new behavior and nervous self and new coping skills. So I'm so glad to be here on this forum and get Lucinda's CD's although, I do have other self help books, etc. but I feel that she nailed my new feelings right on the head.

[SilverLining]

Bev,

YES, YES, and YES! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I love my husband and he has been a HUGE blessing to me but we have had our rough times too.

Mrs T is right in needing to forgive but I know how difficult and hurtful it can be to have the very one you turn to in stressful times sometimes lay into you verbally.

I think they get weary too and, not experiencing what we do, they are understanding as can be expected. My husband and I have almost seperated more than once during the worse times of my anxiety/stress. And I know that it only adds more stress to us if we feel like we can't trust what they are saying or when they will explode again. Walls go up and that is more stress as we feel like we can't relax in there presence and be who we really are right now. Sound familiar?

I know that prayer and forgiveness have brought us through alot. I still have my times that I struggle with things that have been said or done by him but I also see how much he does for me and the love he shows me. I realize this is a difficult journey for him and well as me.

I enjoy taking a drive sometimes and listening to worship music, just allowing myself to let go of the stress of the day and also getting a break from the kids and husband, although I love them with all my heart.

Please know that you are not the only one who has dealt with difficulty in a relationship due to the anxiety or stress. I used to hide it from people, even relatives, but now I let it all out. Hormones probably play a role in that.

I hope you are able to work through things with hubby and know you are not alone.

[bevhembree]

Thank you, Paislee, for sharing. What a difficult situation. But you made it through so I know I can too. I know I will get over the hurt and feel almost silly for posting, in a week or so this will hopefully be a non-issue. I will continue to pray and have some other self help books and Cds- great idea!

[bevhembree]

Thanks, silverlining. What a similarity! It gives me hope knowing you have made it through the same kinds of troubles. And you really put some perspective from his side on the table. I'm not the only one living with this.

Thanks for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone!

[Paisleegreen]

I reread my post, and did want to clarify, that DH and I have not totally discussed our issues yet. I would rather do that with the Therapist. I don't want to be lambasted without support, that's for sure. But at least now we all can talk and be around eachother about everyday things. So that tension is gone. This DS is my fifth child, so it won't be long until he is on his own. I enjoy having him still live at home, as I do feel more anxious and lonely these days due to many losses and changes in my life.

[bevhembree]

Thanks for the clarification. I wish you all the best!

[Dakereb]

Bev, I know I am late posting here, and hopefully this episode is past you, but may I give you a man's point of view?

Men are doers and fixers. They do not process emotions very well, especially emotions from women. If something is not right, they just set out to fix it. They expect their effort to fix it to have an effect. When it doesn't, they become flustered. That leads to frustration and impatience. Not all men are this way, but many are. I can be that way.

Your husband is likely that way, too. He wants to help you, but gets frustrated when you slip back. If I were him, I might be less angry if I heard that you understand that frustration and sympathize with it. You know it is difficult to deal with someone who is suffering with an anxiety disorder, and you are as frustrated by it as he is. He may not really understand why you cannot just turn the depression off, like a switch, but showing you understand him and his reaction will help him get past that reaction and on to trying to sympathize with and understand you.