I'm afraid to even start!

amy0620 · Post by **amy0620** » Sat Mar 13, 2010 9:52 am

Mark,
You did it!! I'm so happy for you! Who cares if you cried? (I've similarly cried doing a yoga CD when they said "love your breath.")

You put the CD in and listened to it. That's starting!!! Put it in again and tell yourself you're going to do something good for you. Lay down for the 15 minutes, even if you don't participate in the relaxation techniques.

My counselor is local, and I am enjoying it. I've seen a counselor in the past, but at a time when I was not ready to be honest with myself, and it wasn't successful because I wasn't willing to let it be. Each time I have an appointment, I don't want to go. After each appointment, I am glad I did. I am not attempting the StressCenter.com program right now. When I was doing it a few months ago (got through week 3), I was so hard on myself whenever I missed a relaxation session, took longer than a week to complete a section, or didn't do the work to the standard I set for myself, that I felt like a failure. I was too focused on how I was not doing it right to congratulate myself for doing it at all. I'd like to return to it a some point, since I think the skills it teaches would benefit me hugely. And I'm sure I will when I'm ready.

You said, "I think the lack of belief in myself and any possibility to change is really keeping me stuck." Ya think?? (You really should laugh at yourself for that one!)

Mark, without reading all of your posts, I can tell how intelligent and strong your personality is. It will be wonderful for you when you use that strength and intelligence to your benefit instead of your detriment. Put the CD in and lay down and listen. Then post back. I will keep checking.

PS-Susan - I live near Syracuse, where in Roch-cha-cha are you?

amy0620 · Post by **amy0620** » Sat Mar 13, 2010 9:56 am

PS Mark (& Susan)-
Every time I listened to the tapes, I cried. Sometimes because of the emotions it brought out, and sometimes because it was wonderful to feel like I wasn't alone.

And, I laughed during each one as well.

Susan Gilbert · Post by **Susan Gilbert** » Sat Mar 13, 2010 11:04 am

Amy0620,

Glad the counselor is helping. I bet the program would be a good reinforcement to what you are getting from the counselor.

I live south of Rochester on Conesus Lake.

mark167 · Post by **mark167** » Wed Mar 17, 2010 7:30 am

Unfortunately, since my last post March 8, things have gotten worse. All those scary thoughts, stupid thinking and crappy feelings have spiralled out of control it seems. I agree I had made some progress, but after taking 1 step forward it seems I have taken 2 backwards. Yes, my diet (along with sleep and exercise) is crap but my digestion is okay. That 'strength and intelligence' I thought I had, have evaporated. Everything is a struggle. I don't want to, and feel like I can't, do anything. I'm tired of being tired and feeling this way all the time and crying frequently. I just feel empty, directionless and pathetic. Enough of the negativity.

On a better note, hopefully, I am going to the bookstore to buy that book, then am going to see my doctor (emergency appt.). As I have been at this low point for a while and the thought of the end doesn't scare me anymore, I have taken myself to a local crisis centre. They will help get me back on track with the basics (sleep, eat, exercise) and hopefully provide me with some motivation to turn things around. It saddens me to have to go back but I need help. I would also like to thank you Amy and Susan, as always, for your help and support. I will keep you posted. It would be nice to be able to communicate with you off this forum. The moderator has my e-mail and okay if interested.

amy0620 · Post by **amy0620** » Fri Mar 26, 2010 4:26 pm

Hi Mark,
I don't have a problem communicating "off-forum", but I think what you are posting here is important. There's someone out there who has it worse than you, and your struggles could be inspiring them. You keep coming back to this page, I keep coming back, Susan keeps coming back. It can be freeing to realize you are not alone.

Strength and intelligence don't evaporate my friend. You may have buried them with things like fear and doubt, so go dig them back out. Glad to hear you went to the crisis center. I am grateful there are people to help you. Don't be sad to go back there. Be grateful you can. Be proud you knew you needed to go and took yourself there. Learn from each second you spend there and feel proud about each little thing you do that's good for yourself.

Right after you finish reading this and before you post back, put that relaxation CD in. Give yourself those 15 minutes of self love and time. Thanks for thanking Susan and I. (I see that as a sign of a compassionate, sensitive person. In case you weren't sure, just like intelligence and strength, compassion and sensitivity are good personality traits. {Yes, I'm sarcastic, I get it from my dad!} Sarcasm aside, I'm hoping you get my point about seeing the good person inside you who's fighting for a chance to be alive, happy and healthy.)
Be well ~ Amy

mark167 · Post by **mark167** » Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:01 am

Thank you for you reply and compliments Amy. It is good to realize we are not alone. The varying levels of depression is something I have 'dealt' with alone for a long time. I did listen to the relaxation CD again and have to remember to put it on any time bad thoughts or feelings come. I have also continued to read the When You Talk to Yourself book which I like. Thanks Susan.
I would like you Amy to join Susan & I for some private messaging, as I have had a lot to express the last week and a half that I would like you to know about. When I have more generalized comments, I will post them of course on this forum. If I have done it correctly, you will receive my e-mail soon.

kath_koco · Post by **kath_koco** » Sat Jun 12, 2010 6:27 am

I just started and I am petrified.. I am 47 and have had this for 30 years. I have used antidepressants, anti anxieties, alcohol, church and the fear and self hatred are killing me. I am killing myself.. I so very much hope this helps me find a way out.

Susan Gilbert · Post by **Susan Gilbert** » Sat Jun 12, 2010 7:56 am

kath koco,

Remember it will take time. Celebrate every little step. Compliment yourself, you have started the program. You will see positive changes. You deserve it. This is a great place to get encouragement.

mark167 · Post by **mark167** » Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:34 pm

...and 4 months later... Time flies even when you're not having fun. It hasn't been all bad, I was doing okay for a while. I was busy the last month of the school year, then prepping for my girls' vacation, but wasn't doing anything about myself. I can't even remember the last time I looked at the Cd, program or book.
I know that I am still a good person inside, but that negative person is much bigger, stronger and has a lot more experience at ruining my life. The thoughts and feelings (or lack of) really sap the hope out of me. It helps to know that I am not alone, but when you are down deep, it is very isolating.

Kath - when I 'started', I was scared too, but more petrified of how I was (not) living. I knew i had to do something as the alternatives were not good. When I was afraid to start, at least I knew I was willing/wanting to make a change, and even tho it has been hard to move beyond just starting, just knowing there are people here for support has helped. I am also 47 and have lived with different levels of depression for 33 years. The self doubt and hatred are killing me too.

I know it takes time to change/improve. I have seen some positive changes. I am encouraged by what the StressCenter.com offers and especially this forum, as always. But I am very discouraged by the recurring bouts of depression, esp. as they return more frequently. After not feeling well the last few weeks, I took the BDI test and scored a 65. That is in the mid range of severe depression. So far it feels kind of mild, esp compared to the last ones which were all extreme depressions at 91 and 80+. In the past 2 years, my bouts have been separated by 13 months, then 7, now 4 months only. It's discouraging. I think my medication is keeping me 'stable' and from falling a lot further (I hope).
The combination of having no money (having to borrow from family to live), huge debt, not finding or even looking for a job, the separation/mediation stalled, regular custody issues, and no social life, has really been overwhelming. I just can't find the motivation or energy to get going on anything. It doesn't help that my sleep and diet are suffering again. I'm so discouraged that just when I see the light and feel like I'm getting out of the hole, I'm dragged or fall back in. Sometimes I feel like why bother trying, as I end up back where I started anyways, or worse. I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is getting dimmer.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Fri Aug 06, 2010 2:48 pm

Should you work on the program? Should you find a job? Should you have a social life?

Mike