Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 7:32 am
I'm writing this note here sitting at my laptop after spending awhile contemplating things and figuring things out with my knew knowledge. To understand what i mean by past ending and future starting you must understand who i was.
I used to be the happiest child, I was very expressive and confident and with some people very compassionate and helpful, I did however have my faults and wasn't the "nicest" kid to others. I used to bully some people and be so critical of their mistakes and diffrences. Never-the-less I was happy with life and I didn't really have to many cares.
My family and I moved up north to Haliburton which was the exact opposite of what i was used to in Richmond Hill. I didn't have the same power over others that i did back in my other school and things started to change after I got a taste of what i was dishing out, and thus the meaning of guilt was born to me. This feeling was aweful and I felt so ashamed of all the times i had hurt others. I felt it absolutely necessary at all costs to not ever hurt another person ever again. The problem with that is, I felt bad if the other person was hurt directly or indirectly by what i said or did, even if it wasn't in my power or the hurt was created by the other person's distorted perception.
I spent many years thinking about my life and came to realize many things about myself, my upbringing, & my family. Emotionally i was messed up! I knew that i had made alot of people upset but didn't know why. I also came to realize that I was sexually abused by someone close. I had no idea what to do but the thoughts came up over and over again. Everyday felt like hell and I was not sure who I could trust, hell I wasn't even sure about my sexuality. I wanted to resolve these problems but i did not know how.
Eventually my enthusiasm, joy, compassion and confidence vanished and things looked bleak. Many people tried to help me out but how did i know who to trust and how could anybody understand my situation if i couldn't verbalize it? My motivation to do things decreased, I could barely function and nobody could get through to me. I hated life and mostly everybody in it. I realize now that there were many people around me that really truely wanted to help me out but I could not see this and was very much convinced that nobody cared. This wasn't actually the case.
Years and years went by and i stayed in this Depressed state that i had created and all i could think about or talk about was my "baggage". I ended up pushing away many people just trying to figure out how to fix my life. I was given many suggestions and kept shutting them down right away as I was completely convinced that they wouldn't work or the person was completely wrong. It was very realistic for people to get discouraged and be less interested in spending any time with me. It wasn't my intention to bring people down nor was it something i could help but it happened. The resentment and negative focus cost me many friends, my happiness, creativity, time, money and even my career.
Eventually I was drawn to my first self-help program one night at a hotel room i went to on the anniversary of my mother's death. I started to develop the skills to overcome the state i had gotten myself into and I spent the last 5 years on and off with diffrent self-help programs and such.
Recently a friend of mine lent me a book called Feeling Good. Through this book and the knowledge from this and other programs, i was able to see through my distorted irrational thoughts and I finally realized what i had done to others. Despite my rule that i shouldn't hurt others, I was hurting others by the negative ways i was talking about myself and life. It wasn't something I could really help but it happened and I regret all the time I have wasted and the people i have pushed away.
Finally, after 14 years living in this "hell" I am starting to see things more clearer and I'm letting who i was go as it isn't really beneficial to anybody and doesn't help in any part of my life. It is really just a huge burden that I do not need and I am not willing to trade any more moments of happiness and joy for moments of misery and resentment. I am not a master at this new way of thinking and there may be some times when i fall back but I am progressing and growing. I am really starting to experience these positive feelings of compassion and caring and worth. Before I was only really able to think of myself but now, I'm starting to really think, care and appreciate the other people in my life. Friend's, strangers and even people that don't particularly like me.
The old me is dying and will soon be gone with the new me arising. Many things are about to change in my life including the way i communicate, the people i associate with, the way I look and the activities I engage in to name a few. I know this may take awhile to get used to and there may even be people who may not like the new me. I'm ok with that, take the time you need or if you can't adapt then maybe it would be best to not associate with me anymore.
Mike
I used to be the happiest child, I was very expressive and confident and with some people very compassionate and helpful, I did however have my faults and wasn't the "nicest" kid to others. I used to bully some people and be so critical of their mistakes and diffrences. Never-the-less I was happy with life and I didn't really have to many cares.
My family and I moved up north to Haliburton which was the exact opposite of what i was used to in Richmond Hill. I didn't have the same power over others that i did back in my other school and things started to change after I got a taste of what i was dishing out, and thus the meaning of guilt was born to me. This feeling was aweful and I felt so ashamed of all the times i had hurt others. I felt it absolutely necessary at all costs to not ever hurt another person ever again. The problem with that is, I felt bad if the other person was hurt directly or indirectly by what i said or did, even if it wasn't in my power or the hurt was created by the other person's distorted perception.
I spent many years thinking about my life and came to realize many things about myself, my upbringing, & my family. Emotionally i was messed up! I knew that i had made alot of people upset but didn't know why. I also came to realize that I was sexually abused by someone close. I had no idea what to do but the thoughts came up over and over again. Everyday felt like hell and I was not sure who I could trust, hell I wasn't even sure about my sexuality. I wanted to resolve these problems but i did not know how.
Eventually my enthusiasm, joy, compassion and confidence vanished and things looked bleak. Many people tried to help me out but how did i know who to trust and how could anybody understand my situation if i couldn't verbalize it? My motivation to do things decreased, I could barely function and nobody could get through to me. I hated life and mostly everybody in it. I realize now that there were many people around me that really truely wanted to help me out but I could not see this and was very much convinced that nobody cared. This wasn't actually the case.
Years and years went by and i stayed in this Depressed state that i had created and all i could think about or talk about was my "baggage". I ended up pushing away many people just trying to figure out how to fix my life. I was given many suggestions and kept shutting them down right away as I was completely convinced that they wouldn't work or the person was completely wrong. It was very realistic for people to get discouraged and be less interested in spending any time with me. It wasn't my intention to bring people down nor was it something i could help but it happened. The resentment and negative focus cost me many friends, my happiness, creativity, time, money and even my career.
Eventually I was drawn to my first self-help program one night at a hotel room i went to on the anniversary of my mother's death. I started to develop the skills to overcome the state i had gotten myself into and I spent the last 5 years on and off with diffrent self-help programs and such.
Recently a friend of mine lent me a book called Feeling Good. Through this book and the knowledge from this and other programs, i was able to see through my distorted irrational thoughts and I finally realized what i had done to others. Despite my rule that i shouldn't hurt others, I was hurting others by the negative ways i was talking about myself and life. It wasn't something I could really help but it happened and I regret all the time I have wasted and the people i have pushed away.
Finally, after 14 years living in this "hell" I am starting to see things more clearer and I'm letting who i was go as it isn't really beneficial to anybody and doesn't help in any part of my life. It is really just a huge burden that I do not need and I am not willing to trade any more moments of happiness and joy for moments of misery and resentment. I am not a master at this new way of thinking and there may be some times when i fall back but I am progressing and growing. I am really starting to experience these positive feelings of compassion and caring and worth. Before I was only really able to think of myself but now, I'm starting to really think, care and appreciate the other people in my life. Friend's, strangers and even people that don't particularly like me.
The old me is dying and will soon be gone with the new me arising. Many things are about to change in my life including the way i communicate, the people i associate with, the way I look and the activities I engage in to name a few. I know this may take awhile to get used to and there may even be people who may not like the new me. I'm ok with that, take the time you need or if you can't adapt then maybe it would be best to not associate with me anymore.
Mike
I knew there were some people checking out my posts and making comments i didn't know people were observing my progress, i'm flattered.
actually i'm about to put one up that is really good. I'm typing it word for word from this one book and of course giving credit, i'm sure you'll find it as useful as i have.