Allow me to set the stage.... I have had a nasty setback recently due to a major illness that involved my favorite thing to obsess about: my heart. Haven't gone anywhere but work and home for more than 3 months. Found myself fearing driving and going into stores again. Was afraid of passing out and all the fun anxiety symptoms that we all struggle with. Well, yesterday I knew I had to go. Hubby was not going to be anywhere near the stores I needed to go to and I just had to do it. I didn't feel well, was already battling some side effects from the beta blocker I am on and had begun to dread this trip for more than a week. So, I decided to allow myself to "cheat" and ask a friend to come with me. You know, just a little crutch. Okay, call friend. No answer. Damn. I tell myself, "For pitys sake, you've made this drive hundreds of times, you can do it, just GO!" So, off I go. Down my "safe route" Cell rings, it is the friend but I am too far away from town by this point and tell her, quite bravely, "Thanks, I got this" About that same time I look up and see that my "safe" route is closed due to flooding! Oh... hell. So, I am detoured to my other favorite thing... the damn freeway. I pull over onto the shoulder of the service road to gather myself. Does the freeway have to good grace to at least have light traffic? Well, of course not! It was packed! My choice: turn around and go back the 20 miles I had already driven or get on the *&^%%* freeway. I looked, I thought, and with a peal of rubber and a few expletives decided, "Oh, to hell with it... if I have a panic attack I will just pull over and have it then go on with life" And away I went! It wasn't fun, it wasn't pretty but I DID IT! I must say, I was pretty darn happy to hit my exit! So, off to Wal-Mart I go for my shopping. Well, of course it was packed... well, of course I wanted to get the heck out of there.. and, about at my wits end, but with all the stuff I needed in my cart, I head up to finally check out and leave. And, to my dismay see that every stinking line has about 10 people in it! Well, damn again. I think smoke must have been coming out of my ears from all the positive self talk I was throwing out! But... again... I DID IT! I didn't freak out, pass out, or fall down. Wasn't pretty, but... I got 'er done! Now, remember, I've still got to get home. By that time I was more than a bit tired and now had to face my arch nemesis... the *&^)(& freeway...again. I REALLY REALLY REALLY did not want to do it. In vain, I searched for alternate routes... after all, my mind said I had earned it, right? Again, I find myself on a service road next to the freeway. I took off down a little road thinking that I could wind my way around in the country and find some route back home. One of my affirmations in the morning I use is "I will no longer allow anxiety to rule my life" That very affirmation convicted me as the big liar I was right then. That is EXACTLY what I was allowing anxiety to do right then. Rule my life! It was forcing me to zoom around like a goober in the countryside hoping for some magical route to take me home. So, again with a screech of tires (who knows what the other drivers thought of my erratic driving... like I care) I pull over in someones driveway, slam that truck around and got on the freeway! Again, not pretty, couldn't wait to get off, but again I DID IT!
That morning, yesterday morning, I would never, ever have thought that feeling so "off", feeling so unprepared, feeling so much dread about going that I could have done all that. I even stashed a little hunk of xanax in my pocket, "Just in case" Heck, I wasn't even sure that I was going to make it by myself, much less all alone, feeling like crap, and driving on the freeway!
Sure I was tired when I got home, sure I was a more than a little rattled. BUT: here is the lesson that I learned. I am capable of MUCH MUCH more than I thought possible. That anxiety is a LIE! Yes, I am sick right now, but not nearly as sick as anxiety had me believing. I knew this, of course, but... to have it so definitively proved to be wrong was a real eye opener. It felt SO good to have punched anxiety right in the kisser.
For all of you out there, don't ever forget, the scary garbage our minds serve up is just a thought, just a lie, just noise. Sure it takes time to get that truth to the forefront. But, don't ever give up, don't let anxiety rule your life.
I hope that my little story either made you laugh, but, most of all, offered some hope.
Gotta go wash service road mud off the truck now! lol
Know you guys can relate!
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Ms. Hopeful
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2009 10:34 am
Good job Hotrod! You got more guts than I would have. I'm sure I would have headed home halfway in between all that. I probably wouldn't have taken my xanax along cuz I'd have anxiety that I might fall asleep but I bet I'd take the xanax when I got home and crashed!! So you're not feeling well? What exactly are you feeling?Did you run down your immune system through all the excitement???
Barb,
So funny you said that about being afraid to take the xanax. Cuz gues what? I didn't take it because of that exact fear! Was afraid it would make me all sleepy behind the wheel. sheesh. I've only taken xanax at night to help with insomnia so I am afraid to take it during the day. Good grief, right??
To answer your question about my illness, I'll have to go back a year. I was doing great, felt great, was driving pretty much where I needed to, was going out with friends w/o a second thought, travelling some... lots of energy. I mentor a group of teenagers at my job and one of them came down with mono. She had recovered and one day offered me a sip of her drink. I didn't think twice and took a sip and promptly contracted Epstein Barr virus. (virus that causes mono) Which for a 40 year old was absolute disaster. Crippling exhaustion, horrid digestive problems for MONTHS... I missed 2 months of work, lost 40 lbs and was one sick puppy. It took me about 5 months to recover. So, all is well, right? wrong. Being so sick got my anxiety ramped up to an unbelievable amount. Every body symptom I had was a potential catastrophe. And I actually did have some real health problems. Got a mild case of shingles, which caused left sided chest pain which my anxiety convinvced me was a heart attack. So, freaked out about that for awhile. Then developed an ovarian cyst which anxiety convinced me was cancer. There were a few other things as well that I completely over reacted to. The constant adrenaline surge and months of fear took it's toll and I relapsed with the virus this past July. This time I developed a fun little syndrome called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia syndrome. My autonomic system had gotten all out of whack and people with panic disorder are predisposed, lucky us, right? This causes your heart rate to jump into the 120's to 130's after standing. I couldn't get 15 feet out of bed w/o having to sit down from the breathlessness and racing heart. You can just imagine what my brain did with this mess. Anxiety was off the hook. Started waking up in the middle of the night with panic. Insomnia was killing me. So, that is why I am on the beta blocker, to slow my heart down. My heart is actually just fine its the deluge of chemicals that my brain is pumping out that is the problem. The beta blocker works great, but I have side effects from it. Fatigue, brain fog, and depression. Oh, then the doctor thought I had cancer. Damn!Does the bad news ever stop?? lol I didn't but that still scared the hell out of me... again. So, here I am, 4 months into the relapse, crawling out of this hell. I have resisted the antidepressant they want to put me on. My brain is healing and I don't think that any more "stuff" messing with it is a good idea. I am listening to my tapes again, doing affirmations, and really watching my stress. The docs told me that stress would reactivate the virus but that didn't stop me from having to learn it the really hard way. I am working full time again and, as my previous story indicates, starting to get my life back a little.
Lesson: anxiety has a direct impact on our bodies and if we are suppressed or "down" with something else, our bodies (and brains) will suffer all the more due to bad thinking habits.
I learned the hard way, and I will NEVER allow myself to do it again.
And don't do what I like to do.... hear someones story of illness that start taking it on myself. You can only contract this virus from exchanged of saliva. It's why Mono is called the "kissing disease"
I will not accept that I am "stuck" like this. I get a little better every week and my mind has EVERYTHING to do with that. I also do progressive muscle relaxation every day and am starting to exercise. I'm scared of it but I know I must do it to heal.
Wow, probably not the short answer you were expecting! sorry
I will keep on trucking and keep on fighting the good fight. It was so awesome to log on and see all the posts of encouragement.
Thank you!
So funny you said that about being afraid to take the xanax. Cuz gues what? I didn't take it because of that exact fear! Was afraid it would make me all sleepy behind the wheel. sheesh. I've only taken xanax at night to help with insomnia so I am afraid to take it during the day. Good grief, right??
To answer your question about my illness, I'll have to go back a year. I was doing great, felt great, was driving pretty much where I needed to, was going out with friends w/o a second thought, travelling some... lots of energy. I mentor a group of teenagers at my job and one of them came down with mono. She had recovered and one day offered me a sip of her drink. I didn't think twice and took a sip and promptly contracted Epstein Barr virus. (virus that causes mono) Which for a 40 year old was absolute disaster. Crippling exhaustion, horrid digestive problems for MONTHS... I missed 2 months of work, lost 40 lbs and was one sick puppy. It took me about 5 months to recover. So, all is well, right? wrong. Being so sick got my anxiety ramped up to an unbelievable amount. Every body symptom I had was a potential catastrophe. And I actually did have some real health problems. Got a mild case of shingles, which caused left sided chest pain which my anxiety convinvced me was a heart attack. So, freaked out about that for awhile. Then developed an ovarian cyst which anxiety convinced me was cancer. There were a few other things as well that I completely over reacted to. The constant adrenaline surge and months of fear took it's toll and I relapsed with the virus this past July. This time I developed a fun little syndrome called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia syndrome. My autonomic system had gotten all out of whack and people with panic disorder are predisposed, lucky us, right? This causes your heart rate to jump into the 120's to 130's after standing. I couldn't get 15 feet out of bed w/o having to sit down from the breathlessness and racing heart. You can just imagine what my brain did with this mess. Anxiety was off the hook. Started waking up in the middle of the night with panic. Insomnia was killing me. So, that is why I am on the beta blocker, to slow my heart down. My heart is actually just fine its the deluge of chemicals that my brain is pumping out that is the problem. The beta blocker works great, but I have side effects from it. Fatigue, brain fog, and depression. Oh, then the doctor thought I had cancer. Damn!Does the bad news ever stop?? lol I didn't but that still scared the hell out of me... again. So, here I am, 4 months into the relapse, crawling out of this hell. I have resisted the antidepressant they want to put me on. My brain is healing and I don't think that any more "stuff" messing with it is a good idea. I am listening to my tapes again, doing affirmations, and really watching my stress. The docs told me that stress would reactivate the virus but that didn't stop me from having to learn it the really hard way. I am working full time again and, as my previous story indicates, starting to get my life back a little.
Lesson: anxiety has a direct impact on our bodies and if we are suppressed or "down" with something else, our bodies (and brains) will suffer all the more due to bad thinking habits.
I learned the hard way, and I will NEVER allow myself to do it again.
And don't do what I like to do.... hear someones story of illness that start taking it on myself. You can only contract this virus from exchanged of saliva. It's why Mono is called the "kissing disease"
I will not accept that I am "stuck" like this. I get a little better every week and my mind has EVERYTHING to do with that. I also do progressive muscle relaxation every day and am starting to exercise. I'm scared of it but I know I must do it to heal.
Wow, probably not the short answer you were expecting! sorry
I will keep on trucking and keep on fighting the good fight. It was so awesome to log on and see all the posts of encouragement.
Thank you!
Focus on what you want, not what you fear...
Way to go!! Awesome story. It did make me smile big time--sounded somewhat familiar.
I was in a very bad crash (with a semi) two years ago--had to have ankle reconstruction on left ankle and tore several tendons and the cartilage in right knee. Because of having to LIMP for so long, I also jacked up my lower back. Went for over two years not being able to stand for longer than five minutes at a time without a lot of pain. And walking was very difficult because of the pain. So now even though the pain and all is WAY better, every time I have to go to WALMART (sound familiar?), I get panicky. If I'm just walking around my house or yard by myself, no problem. But if others are around, I feel my breath getting shallow and all the other nice feelings... So I can totally relate to all the "fun" you related on your shopping trip! And the freeway--I've been in several crashes during my life, but that last one when I thought I was a goner--that one really threw me to the point where if I get in the middle of lots of traffic sometimes, it causes me to want to freak out. So I know what you're talking about. And way to go and congratulations for punching anxiety right in the kisser!!!!! Awesome!
I was in a very bad crash (with a semi) two years ago--had to have ankle reconstruction on left ankle and tore several tendons and the cartilage in right knee. Because of having to LIMP for so long, I also jacked up my lower back. Went for over two years not being able to stand for longer than five minutes at a time without a lot of pain. And walking was very difficult because of the pain. So now even though the pain and all is WAY better, every time I have to go to WALMART (sound familiar?), I get panicky. If I'm just walking around my house or yard by myself, no problem. But if others are around, I feel my breath getting shallow and all the other nice feelings... So I can totally relate to all the "fun" you related on your shopping trip! And the freeway--I've been in several crashes during my life, but that last one when I thought I was a goner--that one really threw me to the point where if I get in the middle of lots of traffic sometimes, it causes me to want to freak out. So I know what you're talking about. And way to go and congratulations for punching anxiety right in the kisser!!!!! Awesome!