Well I guess yesterday was the day to start working on my assertiveness!!! I have NEVER been one to "speak up" "say whats on my mind" "express my feelings". A little history... I have 3 kids, ages 11,4 & 3... My mother has a 13 year old son at home with her. When my oldest son was 1-3 months long, I use to wake up at 4 am drive an hour to watch my brother so my mother could work her weekend job!! Just one example of the many things I have been willing to do for her. Well it has not been a two way street!! I have come to the point where in the last 2 years I have not even asked her 1 time to watch my kids (Mind you she has not offered either!!) She had watched them maybe a handful of times before that, but it was always "a issue" unspoken, but a issue, which is why I just stopped asking. Well my boyfriend and I had some errands to run, and our neighbor whom watch's the kids often (and we watch hers also) was not available, so I decided to give it a shot and ask my mother. Right away she starts with why she can't. I didn't want to fight so just said, that's okay I understand, there are still a few neighbors I could ask... she could hear the "hurt" in my voice and asked, as usual I said nothing.... she ended up calling back about 1/2 hour later and said, ok what is wrong... normally I would have stood by my earlier statement that nothing is wrong!! Instead I decided it's time, so I kindly let her know that I was hurt that she does not watch my children. I also let her know it has come to the point that I don't even want to ask her. I let her know I was VERY hesitant to even call and ask this time. And as I suspected I got the "usual" response. I was very good at making it about my hurt not "what she had done". She brought up the last time she babysat, I came home a little late, she ended up only getting 4 hours of sleep before work the next day because of it. I said yes and as I told you then I am sorry for that. I also added at the same time, when my oldest son was only 3 months old I would get up at 4 in the morning drive an hour to watch her child. I did this every weekend for some time. I didn't not get sleep the first time and say up that's it, I won't do that anymore!! She then started to defend why she hasn't been able to do it for the past year or two. I stopped her and said she doesn't have to defend. To a extent I understand, but that doesn't mean it doens't hurt. I said I don't expect any dramatic change, I don't need you to come watch my kids once a week or even once a month. I said I would be happy with even twice a year, as it's more than I've EVER gotten!! She appologized for not being there for me, said she would work at it. She had made a statement she would watch them for me, but not my boyfriend, I let that one go and didn't comment. So she had agreed to watch the kids last night.
I was sooo proud of myself. But then I started to go right to the negative, instead of staying in the proud. My boyfriend had wanted me to have her come after naps to watch the kids, but it ended up that she wasn't going to come until 5. I started to worry he would be upset. Stopped it pretty quick and said to myself, I just had a major accomplishment (which he will also be proud of me for, as he has wanted me to address this with her in the past) and although it may not be the time he hoped, she is coming to watch them, and we will have time to do what we need to do.
So he got up, I told him and as I thought he was proud. He didn't want to leave that late though as he was worried about rush hour. Then started talking about not going and taking the kids to a local indoor pool. At first I went with it... but wasn't very happy about it. Again he asked if something was wrong I said no... then after thinking about it for a minute, decided that something is wrong and spoke up again... I said Honey... I am not very fond of the idea of calling my mother after going threw all that, to tell her "never mind we don't need you to watch the kids tonight" He right away, I'm so sorry I didn't even think of that. Your feelings in this are deffinatly far more important than me taking the kids to the pool. I'm sorry I didn't even think of that.
So we ended up doing what we planned, he ended up glad we did also. Since today is good Friday, we are thinking people left work early yesterday, cause we didn't hit any traffic either
If you would have told me even 3 months ago... I would be able to speak my feelings I would have said NOOOOOO WAY!! But look at me now!!
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."