Changing

[LyndaLu]

I am just going to write what is on my mind at this very moment. So here it is. I am sitting here in my
little apartment right now. My apartment is the size of a shoebox. I mean it. The apartment is a studio
apartment with one main room, a tiny kitchen and an even tinier bathroom. I hate living here but I
HAVE to live here because of financial reasons. I moved into this ghetto apartment complex one year
after I was layed off from my job. I was layed off from my job due to the poor economy. This apartment
was CHEAP and I knew that I had to lower my monthly bills, especially the utility bill part. My new
ghetto apartment comes with utilities included. After I moved into this "shoebox" I realized why this
apartment price was so cheap. This apartment complex is a ghetto. Nine months after I moved into this
place a guy was shot four times in the parking lot one evening. Four loud gun shots that I will never forget.
I am afraid to live in this place, but I have to. When I first moved in it seemed like the police and / or
the fire department was always showing up here for one reason or another. I was going through culture
shock after I first moved in here. I wasn't used to living around the kind of people that lived around me.
They begged for cigarettes, lighters, money, food. What do I look like, a grocery store, a bank ?
I look at the same four apartment walls every day. I can't stand it. I still have no job and I am not
getting any younger. I am 51 years old and soon to turn 52. What the hell am I doing here in this ghetto
apartment ? How did I get here and when can I get out ! I used to live in a nice, safe, clean neighborhood/
apartment complex before my job layoff. Everything changed after that. I am now sitting here in my
"shoebox". I am eating dried cereal; that is my dinner. I am writing on the website. I am losing track of time.
I am lethargic and tired. This must be some kind of bad dream that I will wake up from. I will wake up
living in a decent apartment. I hate this place I live in, I just can't get past it sometimes. I just started to
go back to church a month ago. Maybe God has a reason for putting me here in this hellhole of a "home".
Maybe the next time I write here I will have a TRIUMPH to write about, but until then......
Signed, Me

[keepsmilin]

Akm, I am happy to meet you. I am glad you found this program, and found this website and found a crew of people who are experiencing some of what you are. I had a panic attack one night(which wasn't rare for me..) and then went down stairs...lied on the couch and cried and sort of...just sat there and watched tv to get my mind off things. What came on? The informercial. And man, it reached out to me. I KNEW...THIS WAS IT....years of feeling crappy and then good and then crappy...etc... and minutes of panic attacks and worry..and hyper and good and happy and energetic then back to worry.... and days of feeling up and then down..calm and then obsessive...all that was going to be conquered somewhat...IF I GOT THIS PROGRAM. I knew I'd get control of my life and emotions and thoughts..they made me believe it I knew that something needed to change and I knew this would be different than therapy. So....I felt it reach out to me and I called them right away and ordered the program. I hear you. I know what you must have felt. Almost relief..like..ok..there IS HOPE! I am glad you're having better days. Keep up the good work! I am on session ten and I am excited to be doing this program..it has helped for sure! I ride out the highs and I try to gracefully deal with the lows. It's not so up and down now. And the downs come less often. So..all is good and it can only go up from here! After the program, I bet it'll be like barely any lows ( I am still expecting some cuz that's life), and then many MANY high minutes, days, months, years! And when the low moments, days, weeks, whatever, get me feeling a little blue, I hope to sweep them away gracefully and keep giving the positive thoughts all my attention.

Lynda,

I hope soon one day you can move into a safer place. I bet it's so hard and tough to meditate and say to yourself " I am my safe place..I am secure and safe" when there's sirens going off and police and fire trucks below you...I wish you the best..I really do.

Please, start or continue, writing positive affirmations down and reaching your short term goal: getting a job, or living elsewhere until you get a job (any family members who could spare a couch?), things like that. I wish you the best. Remember your negative to positive phrases...I hope this helps. Get that resume out there and keep a smile on your face. You can do this!!!!!! YOU CAN! I believe in you!! Let me know how it goes. Please!

HUGS

[LyndaLu]

I started to sort of work on Session Nine. Session Nine means taking ACTION.
I am not good at taking ACTION of any sort. I listened to the CD twice and
read the workbook once. I read about the homework and I freaked. I closed
the workbook and did not look back at it.

Then my mom went into the hospital. She was in there for a week because
of her heart. She got a pacemaker. I was with her every day at the hospital
and then at her place for a week after that. So, I was not working on the
program at that time.

I know that there are many things that I can do to help myself, but at this
time it seems that I am not capable of doing them. I have no self-esteem.
My sister wants me to get better and she supports me, but she lives in another state.
She and my brother-in-law give me great advice, but only if I could follow-up
on that advice. I seem to be waiting for something to happen, instead of MAKING
it happen for me. I am at the end of my rope financially and emotionally. I am
"letting myself go". My sister has more faith in me than I do, but I don't think she
understands anxiety and depression at all. I am going to end up homeless if my
ways don't change. It is almost like I have given up on myself and have surrendered
myself to the worst. I have started to go back to church, hoping that I will / would
have a "lightbulb" moment while I am there. Like going to church will solve all
of my problems. It won't.

That is about all I have to talk about for now. I have been on this computer for a while
this evening and I need to sign off of the computer soon - - - too much time staring at this
screen and typing on this keyboard. I am tired now.

Lynda

[keepsmilin]

I would suggest taking one day at a time, and continue talking to those who love you and care about you. Work on maybe ONE skill in the session you're on. Like, making things happen....don't think of all the things you need to make happen...think of ONE thing you want and need and do that. Make that ONE THING HAPPEN. This is hard for me to do, but in another form. I am too busy and I work sooo hard and have so much going on. I rarely ever have down time. This isn't good. I need to remember to take/focus on ONE thing at a time. I work and workout and cook....and do the program. That's every day. Then, to make other things happen in my life- I'll take on a photoshoot and make that work. Then, once that's done, I plan to record a song and enter in a contest. Then, once that's done, I want to roughly record a song and then re-produce it in a big time studio with the funds I have already saved. It's like..one day at a time. It'll take (and has BEEN taking) a while...so enjoy each day. Do one thing a day that scares you. Push yourself a little. Scared to go downtown and run into someone you know? Go for a walk downtown and if you happen to see someone you know, say hello and make it quick and sweet. Scared of making eye contact with people and conversing? Make eye contact with ONE person that day, and just simply say "hello."

My point is, you can do this. I believe in you!!

One day at a time...like think, today I am going to go to ONE place and physically drop off a resume. ONE PLACE. This will in turn, require you to shower and look presentable and gain some confidence by going out and speaking to people. Act confident and you eventually will become confident (after practising, of course).

You've got this. I believe in you. Mini baby steps. You can do this!

[LyndaLu]

keepsmilin:
Thanks for your great advice.
PS: I wish I was super busy and had no time to worry so much.
I used to have a job and I was busy and active at that job.
I had my last job for 24 years. Yes, 24 years.
I sure miss being useful. I have been out of work for too long now.
It has been three years since I have worked. That is a lifetime it seems.
My brain cells are dying every day and I am not the same person I used
to be. I cannot do the same work I used to do. I know that I can do
SOMETHING, I just don't know what that is. I used to be a member of
society. I used to go to coffee shops. I used to go to movies. I used
to read books. I used to have friends at work. Anxiety and depression
have ruined my life. I just want my life back. I used to be a very
hard worker and now I am dull and lifeless. Sometimes I don't even
know who I am anymore. Where is the old me ? The old me was
so independent. I worked so hard all of my life. I am 52 years old
now and I am old and weary. How can I start over at this age ?
How do I renew my faith in myself and get new physical and
psychological strength to keep me going ? How do the other older
folks do it ? How do they start over ? I have felt OLD for a long,
long time now. I need the fountain of youth !
Lynda

[keepsmilin]

Age...a state of mind.

You can do this!

Get physically strong (start walking, jogging, running, power walking...) and then it can/may help you feel psychologically and mentally and emotionally strong. My friend was told this by her therapist, when she was suffering from a heart break from a bad relationship that ended.

Do things you did when you felt youthful. It's a state of mind. You can do what you set your mind to. Go out to a movie with your mom, sister or someone. Call an old friend. Stay busy...re organize your apartment, or just a room in your apartment. Re-create your space and re-reate you. Make things fun again. Listen to mainstream pop music an dance while vacuuming....etc. What are some of your favourite old time songs? You know...those ones that are timeless...and you felt soooo alive when you listened to them...Guarantee that alive feeling will come back.

Maybe consider calling the support line that's on our reminder cards for the program. I am sure they could help give you a "boost".


When it's raining...I like to embrace it and step in puddles and get all wet and dance in the rain....like a little child. I JUST did this yesterday...... I am 22..

Music, I think, will help! And one day at a time. Do a movie out, or a movie in WITH someone, or a short lunch date OUT with someone, or even by yourself. Start to read a book that's an easy read...or short and sweet, or one that has short chapters and do a chapter a day or a chapter every two days. I like "Don't sweat the small stuff."



HUGS

[Dwa88]

This sounds very familiar and I am going to use your phrase " I know who you are and your not me" thanks for your post.