maybe small, but i'm proud

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Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

maybe small, but i'm proud

Post by Iwillbebetter » Fri Dec 09, 2011 8:23 am

I posted this somewhere else a day or two ago, but thought it was more fitting here....

Anyway the reason for my post today, is the excitement I experienced just a few days. A joy I almost forgot existed. I have 3 children 11, 4, and 3. And though I do love them with all my heart. I am just living, so to say. So I have never really fully experience the joy of my children. To just be able to sit back and enjoy their precious, imaginations. Their joyous smiles. There loving hugs and kisses. Yesterday, like a beam of light, out of no where it just HIT me like a ton of bricks and I just sat and watched my 2 littles ones play and just enjoyed it. The joy I have from that almost brings tears to my eyes to type this. It was the most amazing experience I have felt, in a long long time if not ever!!

And another great step for me, for sometime now, I've just not been a morning person. I get up with the kids (11,4,3) and right away gotta get breakfast, get kids dressed etc... So I get up and right away start with the negativity... why isn't this done? was this really left for me to do? Why am I the only one? etc... So for the past week or two I've been working to adjust my schedule a little. I've been going to be earlier so I can get up earlier. I thought maybe if I can have a little time in the morning to myself before everyone is up and demanding of my services. (I read a few places it was a good idea so thought I'd give it a try) So yesterday morning, things didn't go as planned. My boyfriend got up with me. Kids started getting up earlier than usual etc.

But this time when I saw myself falling into my "regular" morning patters, I took a breath asked my oldest son to watch the little ones for just 5 minutes. Went upstairs sat in a chair read my book for a few minutes (don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff) when I felt I was feeling a bit better went back down and stayed "happy/positive"

Doing this also enabled my son to have a good day.... Many times (and boy to I feel guilty) have I found many issues with my son in the mornings and not held back in letting him know. Which sets the mood for his day.

** Another step in the right direction **
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

CautiousKat
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:39 am

Re: maybe small, but i'm proud

Post by CautiousKat » Fri Dec 09, 2011 3:48 pm

I'm really happy for you that you had this realization. I had a similar thing happen to me the other day when I felt like I hit rock bottom (my post is a couple below yours). Your kids are young, and you have time to take control of your feelings and really be the kind of mom you want to be. I feel like I wasted too many years feeling trapped by my anxiety and letting it determine what I could and couldn't do. Don't let it do that to you. I have 2 older kids (24 and 21) and also a 12 year old daughter. I don't want anxiety to rob me of my life with my kids. The guilt of looking back and seeing all the stuff I missed because of the panic/anxiety is so much worse than just facing it! I don't know from your post if you deal with anxiety, but it sounds like you really have the right idea. It's amazing what the right attitude can do for our state of mind. Trust me, the time we have with our children goes really, really fast!! Enjoy and good luck to you!!

Kathy

Iwillbebetter
Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: maybe small, but i'm proud

Post by Iwillbebetter » Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:14 pm

kathy,
Thanks for your reply!! I must not have seen your post, I will find it after this :) from what I've learned, I have generalized anxiety. Where it's there more of the time. Most things although I have issues with them I have always had to do them anyway. Like driving. Although I'm starting to see it was worse than I even realized. I hadn't realized how much I was keeping myself inside. I have pretty much "lost" all of my friends over the years. etc....

My kids are what made me decide it's time to take control. Knowing what I was doing to them, as you said the things you/they miss out on. The things I was teaching them. I know I was also hurting them in many ways.Not physically, but you can't really build your kids up and give them good self-esteem if you can't do it for yourself... and many other things...)

And Yes I agree especially with my 12 year old. There is much guilt there, it's time to put a end to the building of the guilt and put a start to building the love, trust, etc.... (I know you have the 21 & 24 year old and I know you feel you have missed a lot with them, they are still young in a sense and you can still work on that also. there is a lot that is still missable, that you can be sure to be there for now :) :) )
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

ellenfisher
Posts: 25
Joined: Thu Jan 24, 2013 9:33 pm

Re: maybe small, but i'm proud

Post by ellenfisher » Sat Feb 16, 2013 10:52 pm

How exciting! It's so great to hear how you are recovering that feeling of joy and had such a great turning point experience with your kids in the truely precious, present moment.

My mornings have been going remarkably better, too, since my coach suggested I start and end my day counting ten blessings in my life. She also suggested telling myself how I want to feel when I wake up in the morning. She explained, as well, that the chemicals that help us to wake from sleep can be playing into our morning mood, which helped me to better understand it is no big deal, we're simply waking up. I am so grateful for the program. It's so nice to feel good when I wake up and to know what to do if I start off wrong. I also encorporated streching exercises with instrumental gospel music into our morning routine (we homeschool our three youngest).

I, like you, have noticed that between my newly calm/contented mood and the streching routine my kids are much more ready to start and enjoy their day. I am so glad that just as our kids have been affected by our anxiety/depression they seem to be even more so by our recovery.

Again, I am so glad for your success and mine, too!

Thanks so much for sharing!

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