My realization

[CautiousKat]

I have had a couple of years of really trying times including the loss of my dear mother. I have had anxiety/panic for about 15 years with varying degrees of severity and functioning. After the loss of my mom and other stressful factors, I had a return of the dreaded panic. I was driving my daughter and her friend to school one morning, and it hit me really hard. Of course I made it to school and back fine, but it threw me into a return of the dreaded "I can't drive her to school anymore now, because I don't want to feel that again!" I was having my husband drive them for about a week, when I started to get really mad at the anxiety. I wasted so much time in the past that I can't get back because of the anxiety! How many birthday parties, field trips, etc. did I have to miss with my daughter and also my other children who are older. I decided I was going to face it down and drive my daughter and friend to school--the heck with the anxiety! I made a conscious decision to choose the discomfort of how I was feeling versus the discomfort of feeling like I couldn't be there for her. They both feel awful, but one leads to a sense of accomplishment and the other leads to feeling like a victim (kind of like the "fork in the road" Lucinda refers to). I recorded a bunch of songs on a CD that I took in the car with me that helped me feel empowered -- songs like "Let it Be," by the Beatles, "I made it through the rain," Barry Manilow, "It's my Life" Bon Jovi, "Hero" Mariah Carey, "Born this way" Lady GaGa.

I'm just hoping by sharing this, someone reading this will try this approach and have a similar outcome. I am not 100% better, but I'm working my way out of a situation that a week ago made me want to give up. Get really mad at the anxiety and face it down in as small steps as you need to. Good luck to everyone!!

[Iwillbebetter]

1st my condolences on the loss of your mother!!
So who says anger is bad?!?!?!!?! I love it!! What a way to look at it!! And great idea making the cd of empowering songs to help lead the way!! Knowing you would feel discomforted and doing it anyway. Feeling the anxiety. and knowing your ok.
Way to start taking back YOUr time!!

[CautiousKat]

Thanks for responding to my post. I just really feel like taking back control of the feeling of being a victim is the way out of anxiety. I'm not saying it's easy, and I have surrendered to it too many times to count, but the times I have triumphed over the fear are the times I got really angry at it and decided I would rather feel the fear and do it anyway versus spending my life missing out on time you can't get back. My wish is that everyone reading this will try this approach and just say to the anxiety "Fine!! Bring it on!! I'm not gonna live my life running from this!" When I do this, I can feel the panic dissolve. We all know the panic is terrifying, but we also know that it can't hurt us. Stare it down and don't run from it. You'll be amazed how great it will feel when you accomplish that! I would love to hear from other people who have tried this approach and if it helped them. God bless!

Kathy

[Iwillbebetter]

Well reading your post believe it or not has helped me. Now I am looking at this not just as a journey but as a fight!! I'm fighting for me and my kids!! I will not be destroyed anymore by this and I WILL NOT allow it to sneak in and destroy them!!

Although I don't feel so much of the "limitations" I've realized I quickly make excuses. I was just invited to a womans dinner with with some women from church. The woman whom invited me said her husband could even watch the kids. But right away I say hmmm I don't know let me check and see if I have anything else going on. In my head I was already deciding no way I was going to go. Why?? that's a good question. So I thought of what you posted and decided to go!! I'm putting up the fight, I'm pissed to and I'm going to take control and not let the anxieties hold me back anymore!! I have someone to watch the kids, (and there will be kids their age there also, so if I didn't go they would again be missing out also!!) nothing else planned. Why would I not want to enjoy a kid free dinner, with wonderful company? I get mad just thinking how many things like this I have missed out on over the years also, and why???

[CautiousKat]

You got it!!! We need to get pissed more often. It truly works and it empowers us. If a speeding bus were heading for our kids no doubt we would jump in and save them. Well ... at times anxiety is that speeding bus! We have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Our kids are depending on us. The good news is that anxiety (unlike that speeding bus) can't kill us! Enjoy that dinner and let me know how it went

Kathy

[Iwillbebetter]

Leave it to me, I didn't end up going to the dinner. I told the woman I would call her back around 4 to let her know for sure. My sister luckily called me around 3 which reminded me she was coming for dinner. So I didn't go. But I was prepaired to. I'm sure other things will come up that I can "practice" that with I forgot I posted this morning but realized I hadn't...

[Iwillbebetter]

I am taking some time for ME tonight. I get off work in 1/2 hour. My boyfriend works. I was going to just stop at the store and pick up a few things for ME (some candles for relaxation - some yoga pads etc.) But I guess I'll do some window shopping or something to. My boyfriend said I can/should stay gone until the kids go to bed. So I guess I'm taking the night off. Normally I would not be "ok" with this. I don't know I can't exactly explain it, but unless at work I feel that I need/should be at home with my kids. Like I don't deserve time for me. So I know it's going to be uncomfortable and very akward, but I'm going to do it. and I'm not going to go home early.
And as for shopping, wish me luck. I am so bad in stores. I can go to the store fill my cart and "2nd guess" myself out of all but nessesities!! I've worked hard for my money, why should I not be able to spend some of it on myself?? I'm just not good with decisions either. I never know if I really want something. I think I do - then I think I don't so many little things to work on. One step at a time. I'll just work on being out til the kids are gone to bed tonight. Hard thing is, I've kind of let go of a lot of my friends over the years, with such short notice it's hard to "make plans" so I'll be on my own. I think if I was going to visit a friend it might not be so bad. I'm not comfortable alone, especially being out and about alone. But that's ok. What can happen to me right?
I hope you are having a good day/night Talk to you later

[CautiousKat]

I replied to the other post before I read this one. Don't worry about not going to the dinner! Like you said, there are many other opportunities, and you did that when you went to the store to shop for yourself. Stores are extremely hard for me too, but the times I have pushed myself to do it were a great feeling. It's really hard right now because of all the Christmas crowds! I hate crowds!! Mom and I used to shop together, so that also makes it difficult.

I'm the same exact way as you about not wanting to take time away from my family. Even though I know my 12 y/o daughter can stay home by herself, I would rather be with her than anywhere else. We need to do it though because in the long run it will help them too! Good for you for going to the stores and buying those things for yourself. You DO deserve it! Get out there and do it again soon. Repetition is what brings change. Remember "no sidelines!"

Kathy

[Iwillbebetter]

NO worries I was wondering when you said Luncheon thing on the other, funny is I'm going to her house tomorrow after naps I thought you were talking about that, but I hadn't recalled posting it yet.....

Yes I could imagine that making it much harder! Do you have some type of mp3 player or something? maybe you could load that up and listen to that while in the stores for a while until you are a little more comfortable??

So tomorrow will be with the kids, but there is a woman at work who use to sit by me. And we became "friends" you could say! Her husband has had some health issues, I've helped her just a little with money, and been there for her as I could at work. I've never really done anything with her outside of work. But recently her husbands recent is terminall so I wanted to do something for her but couldn't think, my boyfriend has recently been encouraging me to go out (I think I mentioned to him something about it) Well at work she also doesn't sit by me anymore so I sent a email today and invited her out for a little after work on Wednesday. I'm excited for that. I know she is a good person to be around. It will be a little odd out of work, but I know we will have a good time!

well I really need to get to bed.... yes NO more sidelines... been there to long.

[CautiousKat]

Wow! See how much you are doing? Asking that friend of yours to go out after work is awesome. I'm sure she appreciates someone caring about her, and that should make you feel great. I think doing things for others and looking outside of our own problems can really be good medicine.

I will be glad when the Christmas rush is over. I'm pretty much done shopping (ordered a lot online). I will deal better with the stores when the crowds are over. Sadly this is the first year I haven't had to buy toys for my youngest

I'll be waiting for an update on how your after-work thing goes next week. Take care!

Kathy