life is good - and it's a long post!

karmaberry1 · Post by **karmaberry1** » Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:54 pm

i hope someone, anyone who's were i once was - completely housebound - will read this and know that this can happen to them also.

every day is a new adventure and a new gift. on this new adventure, every day i realize i've been given the gift of reinventing my life and myself. i never thought - in a million years - i'd ever be free again. in fact, it always made me so sad when anyone said i'd get better because i never foresaw it happening. yet it has happened.

things i do alone now: drive myself to and from work, grocery shop, eat lunch at restaurants, clothes shop, walk my dog two miles on the river walk, take my car to have it worked on, go to the hair salon. the list goes on and on. i don't have to rely on my incredibly wonderful support system of friends and family to ensure i'm fed and clothed! i'm now a big part of my support group too.

it's been a long process - my agoraphobia and panic are so deeply ingrained. there are times when i still feel the fear and anxiety - maybe there always will be. but i'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, that could be normal - something that happens to others who don't have anxiety problems. example: today i felt a bit off when i was on my way to the river walk with my dog. instead of turning the car around, i said to myself, "well, i've already had a big day - gone outside my comfort zone getting a car radio installed and waiting there alone - and maybe i'm hungry because i am dieting." bottom line, i kept moving forward - the anxiety left - and i encountered so many smiling faces and happy people as my dog and i walked in the sunshine.

i've learned such important lessons: be kind to myself, be understanding with myself, and breathe. breathing is one of the biggest keys to the plot of anxiety and panic.

if you're reading this and thinking, knowing, believing you'll never get better, that you'll never know freedom again - you just may be wrong. each step leads to another, then another and another - the ultimate snowball effect.

i try not to take my successes or happiness for granted - that's my reason for this post. i just want at least one person to know that - yes yes yes - life can get better.

karma

melissa51 · Post by **melissa51** » Mon Nov 09, 2009 3:16 am

Thank you for your inspirational words.

MicheleTru24 · Post by **MicheleTru24** » Sat Nov 14, 2009 6:52 am

Thank you for sharing your story. I love reading success stories. It's really up lifting.

manofmusic · Post by **manofmusic** » Thu Nov 19, 2009 12:03 pm

Thank you for your story. It's very motivating.

Valeria83 · Post by **Valeria83** » Sat Nov 21, 2009 8:30 pm

Thank you for making us believe in ourselves again, by reading your inspiring story. Thank you. Same thing happens to me when other people tells me that I am going to get better, I just feel that, that will never happen!

jillzmind · Post by **jillzmind** » Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:19 pm

Thank You Karma
I really needed this post today, and the day before and the day before.. it gives me hope. I am glad you shared your success.
Take care
Jill~

karmaberry1 · Post by **karmaberry1** » Tue Nov 24, 2009 1:24 pm

thank you all so much. like i said before, i've come far but i still do have those days. where once i would just stay in the days of non-movement, i've been able to move forward. has it been easy as pie? nope. has it been worth it? you bet your boots! last week was 3 days of a toothache. it beat me down into a whimpering shell of myself. i got over the toothache only to somehow manage - in my sleep - friday night to scratch my cornea.

the end result of pain took a bit of the starch out of me. i ended up questioning and second guessing myself to the nth degree and then some just driving to walgreens saturday afternoon. i pulled over once and when i did get to walgreens i sat in the parking lot telling myself i couldn't get out of the car. sound familiar? well it just plain bit. i did an assessment of what was going in my head and there it was. i probably hadn't taken a breath in 10 minutes - if not longer - so i started breathing. then i remembered i'd been beaten like a small dog by pain - that in fact, i was still in pain from my eye and about half blind in it. so of course i was panicking and making myself nuts. i finally said out loud to myself - if i go mad in walgreens, then so be it. i didn't go mad. instead, i bought what i went to the store to get - a birthday card for mama and was fine - absolutely fine - no panic or anxiety - just normal.

i decided to take off both monday and tuesday of this week - something that i again second guessed to infinity and beyond. being off work yesterday left me with so much anxiety that i couldn't think straight. some of it had to do with two co-workers who are both mean spirited and back-stabbing, things that cause me to stay on edge regarding my job. i printed off something i'd posted here a long time ago and gave it to my boss last spring. i felt she should know where i'd come from in order just to be able to work. she knew i had panic/anxiety issues, but had no idea how bad they had been. i told her i'd come too far in my life to let those two steal any part of the who of me. but again, it's not easy - especially when it's an almost everyday battle - and battle it is. i don't understand pettiness and back-stabbing - it's not who i am. but i finally realized this last august that they are who they are and i can't change that. what i can change is how i react. my reaction has been to withdraw my friendship. i'm polite and nice, but nothing more. i'm myself with others in the workplace, but very guarded now with those two. and guess what? it only took me eight years to get it!!!! like i recently told someone - fool me once, shame on you - fool me eight years, shame on me LOL

the point to this email and yes, i had one when i started writing - well, it's this. i'm a normal person living a normal life. i have my hopes and dreams, my fears and anxieties, my friends and my non-friends. some days are wonderful and filled with laughter and such love. other days have stress and ick intermingled with the good. yet somehow i manage to both wander and wonder through the days.

so there it is. yesterday i wondered how i was going to get through the day feeling so badly. today as i wandered down the nature trail with my big dog, i looked around at the beauty everywhere and how lucky i was to be walking through it.

karma - who can ramble on like a led zeppelin song

jillzmind · Post by **jillzmind** » Wed Nov 25, 2009 6:07 pm

Way to go Karma. I think we all will have stressful days right? It's what we do with them thats the real sign of change. And Hope. You talked yourself thru your pain and anxiety and pressed on. That to me is very cool and I look forward to being more like that. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway!

Thanks Again
J~

ship2shore · Post by **ship2shore** » Thu Nov 26, 2009 11:23 am

I had a panic attack today at the thought of going out to dinner but I just kept moving forward remembering all that I have learned over the past 18 months and so far am having a wonderful Thanksgiving experience. Thank you Karma for reminding us to breathe. Blessings, Ship

karmaberry1 · Post by **karmaberry1** » Thu Nov 26, 2009 12:29 pm

well kids, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - i hope LOL i've been in downward spiral for the last week and a half.

yesterday afternoon i took my big dog to the river walk and started to panic. dark thoughts were hitting me like a big stick. how'd i get through it? i told myself to breathe breathe breathe. then i told myself to watch my dog - focus on the fun he was having. he is so wonderfully happy on our walks. thinking about it right now, i walk more for him than myself. and he was partying like a rock star - looking around at everything - enjoying his walk and living in the moment. i did manage to snap out of it and away from the panic feelings and we did the normal 2 miles.

if you're wondering why i'm posting in the "triumph" section, here's the reason. i'm not a quick study but i do know several reasons i'm off track. in just realizing the why's, i'm able to now stand back and take stock about what is upsetting and panic/anxiety causing in my life right now.

i'm going to have to set a boundary with people who are negative for my physical and mental well-being. will it be easy? no. can it be done tactfully and with love? i hope so.

second, i worry and second guess constantly about my job. i can fix that by doing my best and quit wondering if it is my best. i have to remember it's a job - not my life.

so today i've set 2 goals for myself. setting those goals is a triumph for me.

karma