been through program twice.

Share your successes with others
bob p
Posts: 137
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:52 pm

Post by bob p » Fri Dec 03, 2010 11:48 pm

i will get back to you later today. been real busy. you are so organized and right on track. i hope that rubs off on me. talk to you today.

karmatism
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2010 11:29 am

Post by karmatism » Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:27 am

It's just anxiety, lol. Take advantage of my perfectonism while you can. But seriously, take it easy on yourself. You made time to come check in with me and you've been on here almost everyday when you could have blown it off. You have to start somewhere. Anyway, it helps me to help others, I guess that's why I'm going into nursing.

So, onto my first practice round: last night's dinner with my husband. For starters, we decided to go to this really cute restaurant that I wanted to go to, but I thought several times about changing my mind because it's setup like a huge living room with couches and armchairs and coffee tables. It's a really small place. It's basically like eating at a party at someone's house, which of course is a very social setting and it was making me nervous. But I decided to not let my anxiety stop me from going. It ended up being really cozy and romantic and I was so proud of myself for going. After we ate, we were both sprawled out on the couch facing each other (this is a big anxiety trigger for me, direct one on one eye contact combined with small talk) and I could feel myself tensing up and getting nervous. But I actually caught my symptoms starting in my stomach and I took a deep breath, gazed around the room at how cozy everyone was and then used calm talk to tell myself how nice this was. I'm just sitting here having a nice relaxed conversation with my husband. It really worked! It wasn't perfect at all. I probably had to do this 5-6 times because the feeling kept returning, but everytime I was able to take it down a notch.

So that is my victory. I went. I felt nervous. I stayed. I used my skills. Like Lucinda says, I'm choosing to focus on those small positives and blow them out of proportion....and it feels so good!

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:07 am

Karmatism--Was your anxiety at the dinner spot more due to the way it is set up or having to have eye to eye contact with DH?

karmatism
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2010 11:29 am

Post by karmatism » Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:11 pm

That's a good question Paislee. I guess If I had to choose, I'd say the eye contact is much more anxiety producing. I have someone staring directly at me, my husband no less, the person I care about more than anyone. Eye contact feels very personal and intimate to me, like someone is scanning and sizing up my soul. I'm sure this isn't always the case...but I really don't know. What are you thinking about when you look at someone? Thanks for asking this question. It's really nice of you to take an interest. What are your anxiety triggers?

bob p
Posts: 137
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:52 pm

Post by bob p » Sun Dec 05, 2010 1:19 am

hello k and paislee. i think that was awsome that you were able to catch your anxiety with your husband before it got out of control. i know the feeling about getting that way because my wife and myself used to call it redbeak because i used to get all red. little did she know i was about to explode inside and wanted to run. i believe the more you face those challenges and minimize them in your head the more you will build up your confidence. i really think it is all about security and confidence. i had a similiar instance last night when i went to dinner with my wife and another couple to a cozy and veeeeeeery expensive restaurant. i felt very confident so the night went uneventful except when my wifes truck broke down on the way to the rest. my biggest anxieties are when my wife exaggerates and that is often. i think the more i let her say what she is going to say and not try and relax her the better off i will and she will be. lets all try and catch those thoughts, which turn into feelings, right away and combine our confidence. we can do it. talk to you soon.

karmatism
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2010 11:29 am

Post by karmatism » Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:50 am

As a woman, I can tell you that you are ALWAYS going to be better off not 'trying to relax her' as you put it! I hate when my husband does this to me. Even though I understand there is a good intent behind it, what it feels like is that he is blowing off my feelings. Women need to feel 'heard' and that means it may sound like she is going on and on and on, but this is how women release stress. We talk about it, we vent, we need to go off for a while before we can let it go. If someone is sitting there constantly offering suggestions on how to fix the situation or suggesting that we are blowing it out of proportion, it feels like we don't have the right to share our feelings. I'm not sure about your wife, but I know for me I will get even more upset and go on even longer when he does these things because I just want him to listen! All I want him to say is, "I know babe, it sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this." I want him to try and understand how I'm feeling (even if it is ridiculous) and just offer statements of understanding and support. Another biggie for me if I'm going off about something is when he walks over and gives me a hug and tells me it's ok and he UNDERSTANDS. That's a magic word. However you do it, try sending the message that you get how upset she is, that it's ok for her to be upset, and that you understand and I think you will blown away how she responds.

I'm going to do my best to work on my skills today. I'm tired and I didn't sleep well. My husband got this new sleep apnea machine and it sounds like a damn wistle, it's so annoying. I laid there not saying anything for hours because he is finally sleeping good with it and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm proud of myself so far because I would normally be reaching for an XL coffee on a morning like this and I only got a medium. I'm really working on cutting back the coffee, but it's a slow process. I love my coffe so much. I just don't want to say goodbye.

karmatism
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2010 11:29 am

Post by karmatism » Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:53 am

Oh, I just wanted to add that when you tell her you understand, she might start going off more. This is good. It means she thinks you get it and she can really open up and share more. Just let her finish and you will be golden!

bob p
Posts: 137
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:52 pm

Post by bob p » Sun Dec 05, 2010 4:03 am

thank you. whoa there for a minute i thought you were going to come through the computer and attack. coming from someone else is a real eye opener. i am going to try my hardest to just listen and be understanding and compasionate. its just hard sometimes when i dont agree and i want to put my own input in. it is going to take some work but i think i can do it. thanks

Paisleegreen
Posts: 1778
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm

Post by Paisleegreen » Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:13 pm

I'm going to do my best to work on my skills today. I'm tired and I didn't sleep well. My husband got this new sleep apnea machine and it sounds like a damn wistle, it's so annoying. I laid there not saying anything for hours because he is finally sleeping good with it and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm proud of myself so far because I would normally be reaching for an XL coffee on a morning like this and I only got a medium. I'm really working on cutting back the coffee, but it's a slow process. I love my coffe so much. I just don't want to say goodbye.
Hi Karmatism and Bob-- Well to start out, my husband snores, and he won't go see a Dr about it. So this is part of the contention that goes on between us. So to add to that, when we finally got a cleared bedroom for a guest room, DH bought a second hand king size bedroom set.

This was w/o my consent or even discussion. I just wanted a twin bed to put in there for me to go to when and if he snores. Also, I wanted the extra space of the bedroom for other things. (Previously, after I had weaned myself off of Wellbutrin I came home to my stuff in a common family area packed up) This began my anxiety and panic attacks. :eek:

So I knew that I could use this spare bedroom after it was cleared of DS's stuff to put my books, sewing and other things like that in this room since I no longer had the family room.

Just like Karmatism said, I have felt that I have not been listened too...and for quite some time. Pretty much ignored in many ways, so I would use all this "ignored" time filling it with my interests that bring me some form of satisfaction and some social network, albeit more on some websites and community.

Well, my children wanted me to stop these activities, I don't know if they wanted more of my attention or what. Or they are just going through their own trials or figuring out where they belong. Growing pains. :?

So my anxiety and panic came after I went off of anti-depressants and then had one of the worst "scare" or "surprise" in my life, second to my son's suicide. At least for now, this is my comparison at this moment of time, since I can't write you a book. :p

Okay, so with that background, DH has negated my feelings about things and "forgets" that since he bought the bedroom set that if he snores, he'll sleep in the guest room. Well, lately he has been sleeping in the guest room, but gets angry about it. He shows it by raising his voice, pouting, and being sarcastic. Making sarcastic remarks to my children about things I say. My Dr calls it "conflict avoidance". So I'm so sensitive right now, that his look or tone of voice just gets my nerves going. :eek:

Two of my adult children can do the same thing. I know that both of them are hurting from broken up relationships. So I have to be the warm and fuzzy person for them to land on, and I'm not quite there yet. :( I have to learn how to do this, because my parents were not very good at it, mainly my mother. :eek:

So...here I am very tense and working very hard to feel better, remain calm, and be a good listener w/o interjecting my opinions. It is so hard! Because my family were full of opinions! :eek: But my husband's family have more sarcastic opinions, more negative in general w/ low self esteem.

I've been married for a long time...we've weathered many storms. I just want to weather this one and not be dumped on any longer. This is where I am meeting resistance, because as my first Psychologist told me, DH is co-dependent on me. So when I change my status quo, he is not going to like it. That means he is going to have to change his means of comfort, but before he does he is going to "complain" and "protest". He will shut down and be sarcastic. It won't be pleasant. :(

I am not going to go back to the way I was...so here comes the Insanity! :eek: :p Paislee

bob p
Posts: 137
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:52 pm

Post by bob p » Sun Dec 05, 2010 4:43 pm

i am so sorry to hear about your son. it sounds as if your husband doesnt discuss things with you before doing them and is sarcastic to boot. that has to be very tough for you. i hope you show him that you deserve to be respected and treated like a wife should be treated. i think take it slowly because you have been married for so long and these issues have probably been going on for so long but with persistence you will gain your respect and confidence. good luck.

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