Panic to Power...the Five Year Experience!!!!

Motor City Madman · Post by **Motor City Madman** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 3:38 pm

I feel the strong urge to come back to this site to post about my progress...it has been quite a while since I have posted here...and it is a great triumph indeed to be legitimately able to post in "Triumphs." Here's my story...

My Introduction to Anxiety, Panic & Depression....
In March of 2001, my life was "normal," and I was running full steam ahead. I was a 31-year-old professional, juggling a full time high-pressure, high-stress job working for Chrysler, the birth of my first child, going to night school on the quest for a four year degree, a bustling side business, a messy lawsuit, the deaths of some very close friends and family, and a boat load of extra-curricular activities and hobbies (sports/friends/travel/etc.) I was traveling the world for work. I was addicted to nicotine and alcohol, and ultimately, my mind and body were working at light speed...all day...and into the night.

The Day My Life Changed
Upon heading to the airport for one of my many overseas trips, anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. I was minutes from the airport, bags packed, geeked for my trip...when suddenly...like a thief in the night, the world as I knew it was stripped from me, and in exchange I was given the classic symptoms of a heart attack. My chest was tight, my heart was pounding. I was light-headed and my left arm was tingling as if I slept on it for two weeks. I had NEVER had symptoms like these before...and this all came out of nowhere, at a time when I was otherwise calm, anticipating a smooth flight to Europe.

I cancelled my trip, and drove myself to the hospital, where I was parked for five days while I had full cardiac battery of tests: EKG, X-rays, Thallium stress test, and eventual catheterization, which all came up negative, however, what I feel to be one of the most crucial points this whole experience is the fact that I was sent home after five days, when my symptoms subsided, with NO DIAGNOSIS WHATSOEVER.

The Long and Winding Spiral Into the Unknown
Over the next two years, I never let that experience go. I was one of the youngest people in that hospital, and without a diagnosis, I was content with the fact that the stresses I imposed on my body and mind in my 20's had virtually fast-forwarded my life to the equivalency of being 60 years old or so, and that these feelings were perhaps normal for someone of that age group. Since I was never told I had developed anxiety, I went about my life obsessing about my lifestyle and habits, and even worse, my symptoms.

Let Me Tell You About My Symptoms
My constant worry about my health and my situation caused me to develop some pretty wicked symptoms. For obvious reasons, I obsessed about my heart. I developed palpitations, alternating periods of tachycardia, bradycardia, PVCs, PACs...probably mitral-valve prolapse to boot. I could have been sitting there watching grass grow or paint dry on a breezy summer day, not a care in the world, and then "BAM," here I am with palpitations out of nowhere. What's up with that? I had many 24-hour monitors installed, many reports written, many sleepless nights and no end in sight. STILL NO ANXIETY DIAGNOSIS.

I became majorly depressed. I awoke many mornings, only to cry my eyes out within minutes of awaking. I cried at the drop of a hat. I also developed seasonal affective disorder. Living in Detroit during the winter can be a very depressing...35 days straight of grey skies, dirty roads, brown grass...and then the sun comes out, and you feel like a million bucks. Need I say anymore?

I've had many sensations of dizzyness, light-headedness, tingling, twitching, etc. I had breathing difficulties and eventually fixated on my breathing rate. I got dizzy in large places, dizzy in confined places. Wierd feelings in my head, in my chest, in my extremeties...you name it, I felt it...at the height of my condition I felt these feelings ALL DAY LONG. I couldn't easily handle a trip to the grocery store, the shopping mall, church. Shopping was a trip. I always had one eye on the exit...or an exit plan should one of my "what if's" take place. AVOIDANCE BEHAVIOR BECAME MY MIDDLE NAME. I couldn't walk from one side of my office complex to the other without some kind of mind or body experience along the way. Yet I was cracking the whip on myself internally to make absolutely certain noone at my job detected any weakness. Doesn't this sound familiar from one of the tapes?

As a result I have had many MRIs and Cat-scans. Aside from a few congenital "issues," all things are fine on the neurological front...except this anxiety which I have yet to be told about. But in the mean time, I continued to obsess about my symptoms, which by now had forced my world to get smaller and smaller. STILL NO ANXIETY DIAGNOSIS.

Thoughts of Suicide
Thoughts of suicide became a recurring debate in my mind. When I look back at my whole ordeal, I realize I never got these thoughts until I was put on a combination of Effexor and Xanax. I know these medications are a "Godsend" for most, and they surely brought my panic attacks to a screeching halt, but they come with a whole host of side effects, including suicidal thoughts, which I successfully handled, and a hallucination "event" which scared me right off of all medications. Although I never even came close to doing anything so crazy as suicide, the thought was on my mind frequently and I feel terrible for those who ultimately couldn't shake those thoughts off. An old friend of mine just took her life about 6 months ago...she was single, intelligent, and had three young kids (15, 10, and 6). I attended her service, only to find that she had been battling this thing for so many years....and she eventually ran out of people to reach out to. You have got to be pretty ****ed up in the head to end your life while your kids slept in nearby rooms. Her family all had the same story...they fully expected her suicide. To them it wasn't a matter of if...but a matter of when. I say bull**** to all that. This program, a decent psychotherapist, a support system that didn't give up on her could have helped her. I can imagine there are a billion people out there that wish they were blessed with three happy and healthy kids...I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.

The Impact On My Relationship With Family and Friends
As my world got smaller and smaller, I was pretty good phasing out of my social life, slowly disappearing into obscurity from my social circles. I did so without being so abrupt as to draw attention, perhaps tipping off the observant ones that I was having a problem, which would be a sign of weakness...wouldn't it? We can't have that! One of my wife's friends could smell my condition from a mile away, cause she too has obviously had similar experiences. She passed me a Lucinda Bassett seminar video which I promptly watched, then shrugged off because I was very convinced I had something physically wrong.

Fortunately for me my wife was there by my side through the whole experience. I have heard this condition has caused many a breakup, but she supported me through the whole ordeal. She could have alienated herself from me and sought greener or easier pastures, or bitched at me relentlessly to "just shake it off," but that was never an issue. Neither of us knew the full extent of what I was going through, nor where it would take us as a family, but her constant support was a major part of my ability to pull out of this thing. I feel terribly sorry for people with this condition, who live with significant others that don't provide equal support in both sickness and in health. Without her I am convinced I'd still be in my hole....or literally in a hole.

As I became a hypochondriac, I also had little support from my physician....which has been proven to be a deadly combination for some unfortunate ones. He prescribed multiple medications and got to the point of cracking jokes about putting a plaque on the examination room with my name on it because I am there so much. He was my age, very smart, but lacked the experience and maturity to show compassion to someone whose life was falling apart before his eyes, and had noone to reach out to. Ultimately, him driving me away turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Upon moving to another doctor, I requested copies of all my medical history to forward to the new doctor. It was rifling through this file when I came across a major revelation...I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder...all the way back in 2001 when I was hospitalized for five days. Why couldn't they tell me this back then? With all the online research I did when I was convinced I had physical issues, I could have been researching anxiety issues, instead of convincing myself that I have heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes, etc.

Upon my transition to my new doctor, I had made up my own mind that I must have anxiety, and approached him with a different point of view. I was still saddled with my symptoms, but my obsession about my symptoms had a lesser effect on me. This was a good thing.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Enter Lucinda Bassett once again. Driving down the road...her most recent campaign blitz was at full steam on Detroit radio. The light bulb came on, and I was plugged in with one phone call and a swipe of my credit card.

I received my program, and like most people, couldn't wait to rip open the package. After thousands of dollars in medical tests and psychotherapy, here's my last-ditch effort, packaged neatly in a small cardboard box.

From the minute I inserted the first CD, and with every word spoken in every session, my anxieties were significantly reduced by just knowing that I was not alone in this...not alone by a long shot. Lucinda Bassett rode with me to and from work for about 12 weeks straight. Twice a day, five days a week. That's right...I only made it to week 12.

I spent many hours sifting through this message board, and owe a SIGNIFICANT THANKS to Sunset34 and Grateful, who, unbenounced to them, have helped me tremendously along this journey. Their posts to others have been both compassionate and genuine, and in brief correspondence with them I have been exposed to some valuable tools, namely a few books that were dialed in to me and my situation. For me, one major turning point was picking up Janet Maccaro's "Breaking the Grip of Dangerous Emotions," which forced me to look at my thought process from the outside, as well as supplement my regimin with a few key vitamins.

Fast Forward Five Years
Here I am, almost five years from that fateful day in March of 2001...the day my life changed and I thought my world was coming to an end. I have gone from a mentality of uncertainty...A period of time when I couldn't make decisions about either simple or complex matters. At the height of my condition I was faced with some pretty important decisions...one being a new and challenging promotion at my company which involved heavy public speaking and exposure. I RELUCTANTLY took the position and am extremely glad I did. I went from being absolutely pale white petrified about public speaking to being able to almost effortlessly speak to any crowd...from 10 people to 100.

My program is now neatly tucked away...and from time to time I pull it out...listen to a CD here or there when things get crazy at work...but ultimately, I have my life back (my new life, not my old) and I enjoy my family and career with a new set of beliefs....I am almost symptom-free. The symptoms that do crop up from time to time can be easily be attributed to a small list of things: 1) A lack of sleep 2) Poor eating choices 3) Higher than necessary stress levels 4) Lack of exercise

Thank you Stress Center...thank you to all its members who have been successful, and stay aboard to help out those in need. This program and its people are heaven sent!

Feel free to contact me at any time!

Jack (Motor City Madman)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 4:23 pm

motorcity madman,
Awesome story, Awesome continuation of a great fullfilled life,, Good for you!!! Thank you for sharing it, it was an inspiration to me. Its wonderful taht folks will come back and give such encouraging reports!!! I hope everyone ready waht you had to say,, take care:)Nelly

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 4:58 pm

Motor City Man

It is so great that you have claimed victory over your anxiety. You should be commended for your strength and commitment to yourself to have a better life. It is awesome for you to come back and share your experience and your triumph with all of us. I am only in week two of the program...but I am proud of myself everyday for sticking with it, doing the work, and making the little changes that mean so much. I wish you continued happiness and good health. Thank you again for sharing.

Best wishes,
Marcia

Carolyn Dickman · Post by **Carolyn Dickman** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:41 am

Motor City Madman,

Wow! It is so encouraging to hear a success story like yours... it gives hope and inspiration to many who are suffering with this disorder. Bless you for sharing!

Jen

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 2:15 am

i have the same problem with my heart.worry about it all the time.i get the heart flutters also

Carolyn Dickman · Post by **Carolyn Dickman** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:07 am

Wow jack! all I can really say is that you are an inspiration to all those who come here seeking help. So many of us have been where you were and feel that there is no light at the end of this tunnel. You're story proves them wrong.
May you continue with your success and happiness!
Best Wishes,
Erin

Leopolda · Post by **Leopolda** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:35 am

Motor City Madman
Thanks a thousand times over for your wonderful post. How encouraging for everyone! As I read it I could feel your pain, sadness and then your happiness. What a beautiful outcome! I'm just starting week four and this was really an inspiring post for me. Thank you so much

Begone

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:49 am

Jack,

I really am glad that you have found "peace" from this disorder. Your story is very inspiring and it gives me (as well as others) real hope that we can live a life less anxious, less depressed and less stressed. Thank you so very much. I am looking forward to that type of peace. You are a true blessing to have shared your success with us.

Continued Success to you! LizB

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 8:19 am

I agree, we need people who have been thru the program and have done the foot work to come back and share. What a kind thing to do!

Thanks!!
Rach

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:40 pm

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. There is sooooo much more that I have to say about my whole experience....but am not sure how much detail people can tolerate. For me one of my major hurdles was overcome by just knowing that I was not alone in this thing...I was so convinced that I had physical issues. When I FINALLY became convinced that it was mostly in my mind, and my belief system, and that all those many creepy freaky and absolutely scary symptoms were just manifestations of my stressors...it all became really easy for me to get away from.

Thanks and good luck to all...

Jack from Detroit, the home of Super Bowl XL