Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 3:17 pm
Yesterday was my 25th birthday, and one of the best birthdays I've ever had. Not because of a party or a gift, but because I feel like I've ridden on the most turbulent roller coaster of my life in this last year and I'm proud to say I'm moving on. A year ago today, I had just suffered my first panic attack - one that lasted on and off for a week. I was a wreck. I was about 15 pounds thinner (which put me at a measley 100 pounds - gross) I couldn't sleep or eat, I was having crying spells, the scary obsessive thoughts were HAUNTING me - I could go on and on, but I know you guys know what it feels like. I felt like a ghost, like I had lost myself. I was scared to death. I had never EVER experienced anxiety/depression at this intensity and I didn't know why this was happening to me. Oh my goodness, I still can't believe it.
A month later, I was given the program and started to go through the biggest learning period of my life thus far. I did a tremendous amount of research on everything that had to do with the condition of the mind in an anxious/depressed/obsessive/you name it! state on the internet, read tons of books, talked to people I knew I could trust, and what I believe helped me the most - prayed and prayed and prayed.
I honestly though I would never be able to smile or laugh at a joke again without forcing myself to. I thought I'd never be able to relax and have a peaceful mind ever again. I thought I'd never "feel" like myself again. I couldn't control my mind, and the more I tried, the worse it got. I learned a lot through the program. The posts on here helped tremendously. Just knowing that you are not alone is an amazing comfort and many times stopped me from going to deep into a panic attack.
I know why, now, all this came up. I was like a volcano inside and it was just a matter of time before all I was going through had to come out somehow! I was going through a lot of life changes, graduating from college, planning a wedding, I was putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself, I felt like a loser if I wasn't immediately "successful," and some family things that had happened in the past that I tried to push away I think finally just had to come out. I was my own worst enemy, and I was trying to do everything myself. I constantly compared myself to people who I considered more successful, I was constantly thinking about what I "thought" I needed to be doing, what I thought I needed to have, what I thought everyone else expected of me. I hated myself for not living up to my standards. How can you live like that?! Well, I think if you are on these forums, you know what I'm talking about. And all of this time you'd describe yourself as a bubble, friendly, positive person - funny, huh?
Today, I laugh at the things that used to scare me, I can fall asleep without having to talk myself out of an obsessive thought process and better yet - wake up relaxed in the morning! Who woulda thunk it?! I can genuinely smile at people. I can have a conversation without having racing thoughts going through my head at the same time - isn't it just exhausting??!!! Talk about multi-tasking! I'm starting to live, as Lucinda and Carolyn, and all the others who recovered on the tapes "in the moment." It feels great. I feel like myself again - but a much more positive, "everything's gonna be alright" me.
There are so many times I've wanted to write in this "Triumph" section but I was too scared I would and then relapse. It was like, when I was feeling good, I didn't want to jinx it, and I didn't want to be a liar, so I'd just say to myself, next time. Well, I'm not scared anymore. I'm not waiting any longer. I've had many set backs in the past year, don't get me wrong, but I've made my way out every single one of them.
I'm moving on. Please know that you are not alone and that, when you start to feel better and you are able to take a step back, you will see how small this is. Yes, there are certain medical conditions, hormone imbalances, traumatic life experiences, genetics (and believe me I'm SOL when it comes my genes and depression - haha - it's coming at me from all sides) but in the end we are doing it to ourselves. You will see from a much broader perspective and laugh. These body symptoms, scary thoughts, obsessive reasoning, all of it - it's not you and you know that. Give yourself from credit for once. Take a step back even if you have to pretend, and laugh. Tell yourself you are insane (not like scary thought insane, but unbelievable insane) and laugh at yourself. Don't take this so seriously. You'll be fine. I promise.
God bless.
A month later, I was given the program and started to go through the biggest learning period of my life thus far. I did a tremendous amount of research on everything that had to do with the condition of the mind in an anxious/depressed/obsessive/you name it! state on the internet, read tons of books, talked to people I knew I could trust, and what I believe helped me the most - prayed and prayed and prayed.
I honestly though I would never be able to smile or laugh at a joke again without forcing myself to. I thought I'd never be able to relax and have a peaceful mind ever again. I thought I'd never "feel" like myself again. I couldn't control my mind, and the more I tried, the worse it got. I learned a lot through the program. The posts on here helped tremendously. Just knowing that you are not alone is an amazing comfort and many times stopped me from going to deep into a panic attack.
I know why, now, all this came up. I was like a volcano inside and it was just a matter of time before all I was going through had to come out somehow! I was going through a lot of life changes, graduating from college, planning a wedding, I was putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself, I felt like a loser if I wasn't immediately "successful," and some family things that had happened in the past that I tried to push away I think finally just had to come out. I was my own worst enemy, and I was trying to do everything myself. I constantly compared myself to people who I considered more successful, I was constantly thinking about what I "thought" I needed to be doing, what I thought I needed to have, what I thought everyone else expected of me. I hated myself for not living up to my standards. How can you live like that?! Well, I think if you are on these forums, you know what I'm talking about. And all of this time you'd describe yourself as a bubble, friendly, positive person - funny, huh?
Today, I laugh at the things that used to scare me, I can fall asleep without having to talk myself out of an obsessive thought process and better yet - wake up relaxed in the morning! Who woulda thunk it?! I can genuinely smile at people. I can have a conversation without having racing thoughts going through my head at the same time - isn't it just exhausting??!!! Talk about multi-tasking! I'm starting to live, as Lucinda and Carolyn, and all the others who recovered on the tapes "in the moment." It feels great. I feel like myself again - but a much more positive, "everything's gonna be alright" me.
There are so many times I've wanted to write in this "Triumph" section but I was too scared I would and then relapse. It was like, when I was feeling good, I didn't want to jinx it, and I didn't want to be a liar, so I'd just say to myself, next time. Well, I'm not scared anymore. I'm not waiting any longer. I've had many set backs in the past year, don't get me wrong, but I've made my way out every single one of them.
I'm moving on. Please know that you are not alone and that, when you start to feel better and you are able to take a step back, you will see how small this is. Yes, there are certain medical conditions, hormone imbalances, traumatic life experiences, genetics (and believe me I'm SOL when it comes my genes and depression - haha - it's coming at me from all sides) but in the end we are doing it to ourselves. You will see from a much broader perspective and laugh. These body symptoms, scary thoughts, obsessive reasoning, all of it - it's not you and you know that. Give yourself from credit for once. Take a step back even if you have to pretend, and laugh. Tell yourself you are insane (not like scary thought insane, but unbelievable insane) and laugh at yourself. Don't take this so seriously. You'll be fine. I promise.
God bless.