Parents visiting!!
I recently became aware of my severe anxiety after suffering in ignorance for years - From Panic to Power has been a revelation to me. I have suffered from inner nervousness, separartion disorder, insomnia, panic attacks. A pending divorce brought everything to a head and a recent trip home for my brothers wedding was excruciating... long story short my Dad picked up on my issues and is now planning to visit at the time of my divorce - a nice thought except my step mum is coming with and she is a massive part of my anxiety problem. I believe she suffers from OCD and stresses me out big time. Do I tell them what I am going through or just try to get through the next 2 weeks as best as possible!!!
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christinepsc
- Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Dec 24, 2007 1:26 pm
J Mac, If you think your dad and stepmom will be understanding and supportive,you may feel better if you tell them. If not, you could be inviting unwanted advice and stress. I do think the more we try to hide our anxiety, the worse our anxiety gets. If you think their visit will be too overwhelming, perhaps you can ask them to come at another time when you are feeling stronger. I am sorry about your divorce. Please know that others are here to help support you. Let us know how you are doing. Take care and be as kind to yourself as you would be to a dear friend.
~*~Christine~*~
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Therese Michele
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Sun Jun 15, 2008 9:18 pm
Thanks... good advice - they are definitely coming... arrive thursday from Ireland! I don't think they are in a position to really help as they each have their own issues which they have have not acknowledged nor dealt with... appreciate your kindness on the divorce - I will be better person the next time...
I Am Worth It!
(formally Staying Positive)
(formally Staying Positive)
Hi JMac, I went through a divorce too and I was as happy as can be for a while ( mania) and thought I was better off without my ex, then I crashed and realized that this was a big change in my life and reality hit me. Having bipolar disorder didn't help either, but I was able to get help once I was by myself. A big part of my past life was that my ex would not "let" me go to the doctors to receive treatment for a mental illness.
ATTITUDE -- The mind is like a parachute...it doesn't work unless it's open!!
J Mac,
Sorry to hear about the divorce. I've always heard from people (even those who are glad they divorced) that it is very unpleasant.
Perhaps you could share with us what it is about your stepmother that stresses you out. Is it her OCD behaviors? Is she critical or does she offer unsolcited advice? Since it sounds like you can't stop them from coming, maybe if you tell us what she does that triggers your anxiety. Then we could all brainstorm some ways to deal with it.
I think this would be good for all of us as I'm sure we all have at least on person in our families that trigger our worse anxiety and depression symptoms. I think it is easier for people to see the solutions to other people's problems. If we are able to help you find some ways to achieve peace with her around, we may realize we've come up with solutions to our own family situations as well and vise versa.
For example, my oldest sister is a big trigger for me. She is severely depressed and struggles with alcoholism and an eating disorder. She is seldom happy and now she is seldom sober. I never know what her mood will bring and it has made me nervous my whole life. She is critical, without realizing it, and super sensitive. I have no idea how to be assertive with her when she is being critical without sending her away furious at me or crying thinking I hate her. I mean, how do you deal with someone who is totally incapable of reasoning and rational thinking most of the time? Any thoughts?
So, again, my thinking is that if we all can talk about our own situations, maybe the solutions we come up for each other will translate into our own situations. Anyone willing to give it a try?
Goodwillchic
Sorry to hear about the divorce. I've always heard from people (even those who are glad they divorced) that it is very unpleasant.
Perhaps you could share with us what it is about your stepmother that stresses you out. Is it her OCD behaviors? Is she critical or does she offer unsolcited advice? Since it sounds like you can't stop them from coming, maybe if you tell us what she does that triggers your anxiety. Then we could all brainstorm some ways to deal with it.
I think this would be good for all of us as I'm sure we all have at least on person in our families that trigger our worse anxiety and depression symptoms. I think it is easier for people to see the solutions to other people's problems. If we are able to help you find some ways to achieve peace with her around, we may realize we've come up with solutions to our own family situations as well and vise versa.
For example, my oldest sister is a big trigger for me. She is severely depressed and struggles with alcoholism and an eating disorder. She is seldom happy and now she is seldom sober. I never know what her mood will bring and it has made me nervous my whole life. She is critical, without realizing it, and super sensitive. I have no idea how to be assertive with her when she is being critical without sending her away furious at me or crying thinking I hate her. I mean, how do you deal with someone who is totally incapable of reasoning and rational thinking most of the time? Any thoughts?
So, again, my thinking is that if we all can talk about our own situations, maybe the solutions we come up for each other will translate into our own situations. Anyone willing to give it a try?
Goodwillchic
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Guest
I appreciate the responses. It is good to get some of this stuff off my chest. I am new to sharing my thoughts and feelings but realise I have to make some changes in my life...
It is difficult to explain what is exactly that my stepmom does. I think it is just because she is so anxious all the time that I feel it too and it takes me back to a very difficult childhood - she was verbally & physically abusive (not sexually). She always kept the house immaculate - nothing could be out of place... ever. I find her to be fake for the first day or so and then she will say something or act in a way that just sets me off.
I am going to plan some work trips while they are here to escape for a while.
I am suffering too from social anxiety and have not been going out much recently... I noticed that over the last number of months every time I was going out I was ending up drinking and then felt really depressed the next day...
It is difficult to explain what is exactly that my stepmom does. I think it is just because she is so anxious all the time that I feel it too and it takes me back to a very difficult childhood - she was verbally & physically abusive (not sexually). She always kept the house immaculate - nothing could be out of place... ever. I find her to be fake for the first day or so and then she will say something or act in a way that just sets me off.
I am going to plan some work trips while they are here to escape for a while.
I am suffering too from social anxiety and have not been going out much recently... I noticed that over the last number of months every time I was going out I was ending up drinking and then felt really depressed the next day...
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Guest
J Mac,
Are you working the program? If not, I strongly suggest that you begin it, I think you would find it quite useful.
Particularly Session 7 and 8. 7 is on assertive behavior and 8 is on putting an end to anticipatory anxiety as well as putting an end to avoiding your triggers and limitations.
It may be time to stop avoiding your Step Mother's negative attitude and use assertive behaviors to manage this visit.
It sounds like the reason they are visiting is because your Dad is worried that you aren't taking care of yourself. Before they arrive you could have a conversation with your Dad and maybe say something like this...
"I really appreciate your concerns for me and that you are coming out to be supportive with me during my divorce. I agree with you that I have not been caring for myself as well as I could be during this stressful time. I must admit that even though I am looking forward to your visit, I'm also a little anxious about having company. Because I agree that right now I need to put myself first, I would like to explain ahead of time how I will be handling my stress levels while you are visiting."
Then you could go onto list some options that you feel would be helpful, like "I would prefer it if you would stay at a nearby hotel instead of in the house with me because having my personal 'safe' space is very important to me right now" or "I may excuse myself from the room if I feel you or (step mom's name here) are being negative or critical" or "If (step mom) starts cleaning my house, I may have to ask you to leave...well, maybe not that, but I will need you to help me tell her nicely to please stop...it feels liks she is criticizing me when she does that and I need her to stop."
You could go on to explain that while they may feel you are over reacting to their visit or that you are taking their words wrong, this is simply how you feel and your feelings are not wrong. You are having this conversation now to try and avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings later on.
Hopefully you have an open enough relationship with your Dad that this won't be a terrible conversation to have. Then he could explain things to your Step Mom, or help you have a sit down with her where you can gently but assertively explain your stance on their visit.
I'll be praying for you. When do they arrive?
Goodwillchic
Are you working the program? If not, I strongly suggest that you begin it, I think you would find it quite useful.
Particularly Session 7 and 8. 7 is on assertive behavior and 8 is on putting an end to anticipatory anxiety as well as putting an end to avoiding your triggers and limitations.
It may be time to stop avoiding your Step Mother's negative attitude and use assertive behaviors to manage this visit.
It sounds like the reason they are visiting is because your Dad is worried that you aren't taking care of yourself. Before they arrive you could have a conversation with your Dad and maybe say something like this...
"I really appreciate your concerns for me and that you are coming out to be supportive with me during my divorce. I agree with you that I have not been caring for myself as well as I could be during this stressful time. I must admit that even though I am looking forward to your visit, I'm also a little anxious about having company. Because I agree that right now I need to put myself first, I would like to explain ahead of time how I will be handling my stress levels while you are visiting."
Then you could go onto list some options that you feel would be helpful, like "I would prefer it if you would stay at a nearby hotel instead of in the house with me because having my personal 'safe' space is very important to me right now" or "I may excuse myself from the room if I feel you or (step mom's name here) are being negative or critical" or "If (step mom) starts cleaning my house, I may have to ask you to leave...well, maybe not that, but I will need you to help me tell her nicely to please stop...it feels liks she is criticizing me when she does that and I need her to stop."
You could go on to explain that while they may feel you are over reacting to their visit or that you are taking their words wrong, this is simply how you feel and your feelings are not wrong. You are having this conversation now to try and avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings later on.
Hopefully you have an open enough relationship with your Dad that this won't be a terrible conversation to have. Then he could explain things to your Step Mom, or help you have a sit down with her where you can gently but assertively explain your stance on their visit.
I'll be praying for you. When do they arrive?
Goodwillchic