Stress Center Peer Support

Please bear with me on this one...I write all the time, but I never let anyone read what I wrote. And after writing this, I thought somebody might relate so I thought I'd post it. Sorry it's so long. Thank you!

The Room

There is a room in my house that I keep locked.
It’s been locked up tight for so many years,
I’m not sure if I remember what is in there.

I used to live there…when I was little.
Everything in there was familiar and beautiful and mine.
I could breathe and smile. I could play and dream and I was safe.

But then time happened. And clouds.
And I didn’t go in the room as much, although I wanted to.
I craved the minutes spent back in my room.
Even though my dreams changed, the room seemed to change with them.
And everything was still familiar and beautiful and mine.

And then more time passed.
And more responsibilities.
And different priorities came and went.
And I didn’t seem to have the time to go in the room some days, or even some weeks.

And weeks turned to months…

Once in awhile I would peek in.
Occasionally venture in for a minute or two.

Sometimes I even tried to share the room with someone else,
but that never seemed to work for long.
Because they tried to make it their room
or make me change things that I couldn’t change.
I didn’t create my room;
I just lived there and enjoyed it.

Sometimes they told me that things in the room weren’t as I saw them…
Or didn’t exist.
And that would make me sad.
And I would be afraid to go back in there to see if they were right or not.
If they were…it would hurt too much.

The room had never lied to me…
But once I learned what lies were I was afraid of them…
And afraid of the possibility of them as well.

Months became years.

Sometimes I even forgot the room was there for awhile.
I listened to the silence and I listened to the words
that told me that the room was not a good place to be…
That it really wasn’t mine…that it was different than I remembered…
Or maybe that it didn’t exist after all.

I locked the door after that.

Sometimes I still peeked in the keyhole,
but only when I was alone…
Or at night.

One day it seemed too painful to even glimpse into the room
And the light coming through the keyhole hurt my heart.
So I pushed every heavy thing I could in front of the door.

I forgot about the room almost entirely after that.

My days were not bad, but something always seemed to be missing.
Sometimes I would see light playing on shadows and almost remember…

But then I’d put the thought away.
I was afraid of it.
I couldn’t understand it.
I didn’t want to see it and it was too much effort to figure it all out again.

I’m still afraid,
but I saw those heavy things blocking my room the other day.
How could I have missed them all this time?
How could I have not noticed that they were there?
How could I have forgotten?

And then I pushed them.
Tentatively at first,
Then harder until I could just barely see the light streaming through the keyhole.
It surprised me that the light was still there and still bright.

I haven’t opened the door yet.
I don’t know if I’m ready for that,
but it’s comforting to know that my room is still there.
It’s familiar and it’s beautiful and it’s mine.

And one day I’ll touch the door knob.
And one day I’ll turn it.
And one day I’ll visit.
And one day I’ll live there again.

Maybe I’ll even get really brave and invite someone else in to visit,
but not yet.

For right now it’s just enough to see the light and know that my room is there…
waiting for me.

This is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing it, your room.

Wow that was so awesome brought tears to my eyes you are a very talented young lady that has so much to offer. Thank you for sharing that with us can't wait til you can get back in that room and you will darlin. So beautiful and well written.
God bless you
Mimi

that REALLY spoke to me! wow! thanks for sharing!

Thank you Trinity, Mimi, & Maeggie! Your words mean a lot to me!!!

Hugs,
Dawn

Your poem has inspired me to look for many of my old writings... to give my current perception the benefit of remembering "the room". Yours is the first post I have read, I am new to the program and today is the day I created my profile- to see what the support group was all about. I will be visiting again- thanks to you. I hope you continue your quest for the light.

Dawn, that was such a beautiful poem. It made me cry too. It really spoke to the inner child in me. You are an incredible writer. Please share more often. And, what a huge step you have made...remembering the room and moving the stuff away from it. What really touched me was the hope at the end. We all have it, but sometimes it is so hard to see or feel. Thank you for making me remember mine.

Missi

Thank you!

Underconstruction - Welcome to the program! Lucinda said on one of the sessions something about what creative and analytical people we are (anxious and depressed as we may be! )and then she said something like - we make great artists and great writers...It hit me like a truck. WOW. I hope that you do pull out your writings - and write some new ones. Writing is such a great form of release and expression, I think. If you need anything - don't be hesitant to post...there are so many helpful, encouraging, nonjudgemental people in here who are experiences are so similar!

Missi - Thank you. Your comments really touched me. It was hard for me to open myself up to letting others read something as perosnal to me as my poems or wirtings - which is why I posted this on the "triumphs" board! I really feel like the "heavy things" associated with the depression and anxiety have finally come into focus thanks to this program and all of the people in here and I have FINALLY been able to shove them away from the door. I'm so glad you got hope from this. We all deserve to remember and live in that "room" that is the core of our beings. Thank you.

Blessings,
Dawn

Dawn,
Your poem gave me chills!! ITS BEAUTIFUL! You are such a great person and this really shows on here. Your poems, you positive attitude, and your great presence. Thank you for always sharing with us, and bringing light into our days.

OMG Dawn I thought your poem was absolutely lovely!!!

I hope you post more.