Assertiveness breakthrough

[goodwillchic]

(I posted part of this in the Session 7 forum but I really wanted to put it in the Triumphs forum too. I've been struggling all week with Session 7 and assertiveness. Aside from a minor problem at work, I really didn't think I had trouble with assertiveness which was making the homework for this session feel impossible. Today something happened that opened my eyes to how I have REALLY been behaving...)

I had triumph today. Today is my birthday and earlier this week I told my fiance (who is in a band) if they had to have practice today that would be ok since I am taking Friday off. Plus we didn't have plans for today so it didn't seem like a big deal. But later that night, after I thought about it, I told him I changed my mind, I wanted to at least be able to spend a quiet night at home together. Thinking back on it though, I was not assertive when telling him I had changed my mind. I told him in a very quiet, apologetic voice all while he was on the computer (distracted) and never confirmed he heard what I had said.

So today when some fun birthday plans came up I called him to tell him that I'd be picking him up after work. He was confused and told me that he had band practice, reminding me I'd said it was okay. I tried to remind him that I had changed my mind, but he confessed had not heard me at all. I was hurt but thought it was my fault since I wasn't clear, so it was only fair that I spend my birthday without him so he could have practice like we had originally agreed. So I said, "Okay, I thought you heard me, but okay...I guess I'll see you later." This was said in a sad, pouty voice.

Well, after I got off the phone I thought, "Hey, while I should have been more assertive when I changed my mind, that doesn't mean I should be upset on my birthday. There's no good reason he can't practice tomorrow." So I took a few deep breaths and called him back. I told him I was sorry I didn't make myself clear earlier this week and it wasn't his fault, but I would really appreciate it if he would reschedule practice so we could do this fun thing for my birthday. What he said surprised me, he told me that's all I had to say in the first place. In fact, my first response (that we would just have to do something tomorrow) had actually made him feel guilty.

In an earlier post I said I don't have a problem being assertive with him...today showed me I obviously do! Thinking on it, I often give up on my ideas for plans or where to eat at the first sign that he doesn't like the idea. I had no idea this was making him feel guilty, but I totally see it now. I would feel bad too if every time I even slightly disagreed with something my partner said, they folded like a house of cards. His reaction today has really encouraged me to stick to my guns more when there's something I really want to do. I don't always have to be the one who compromises. I'll tell ya...this whole thing is bringing a lot of clarity and understanding to his frustrations during some arguements we have when I complain that we always do what HE wants...no kidding - I LET it happen that way...if anything I've got out of my way to make sure it happens that way. Talk about playing the victim and playing it well...I didn't even know I was doing it!

Just when I'm about to give up on the lesson in Session 7, this happens. I love this program!

[Aura]

Wow! I am have written your post myself! It really rang a bell with me. Thanks for sharing, so I could see how *I* have been acting! I'm not even to this lesson yet, and I'm learning already!

Hugs,

[Gale D]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY goodwillchic and congratulations on your triumph in asserting yourself!!!!! I could see a reflection of myself in your story and you've given me a lot to think about. I'm starting session tonight and I know I need to learn to stop making myself the victim,too. I hope I have an eyeopener like you did. Sharing your triumph couldn't have come at a better time for me so thanks a bunch and I hope you've had a spectacularly FUN birthday!!!
Take care!
Gale

[goodwillchic]

Aura and Gale D, I'm so glad what I wrote was helpful for both of you. I hope all three of us (and any one else out there who relates) will start paying attention to how we play the victim under the guise of 'just being nice' or 'considerate'. I think this whole program is really about ownership. My anxiety is no one else's fault or problem...it is my own and by being more assertive I am taking ownership of my problem instead of pushing it onto others in a passive aggressive way.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good Friday and weekend. Talk to you soon!

Goodwillchic