I have a moment to myself here in a quiet room and breathing deeply.
I swear, ever since I reintroduced a negative entity back into my life I started drinking again (or it could be a coincidence that I reintroduced the entity and stared drinking at around the same time) the sessions have stopped working.
I actually haven't had a drink now for about 6 days, but the weekend before last, I drank 20 beers one day. I was very depressed the next week (obviously). Any way since the time which is stated above began, the program just has not been working! I feel trapped.
And now that I quit drinking again, my deep depression has turned into horrible anxiety, like anxious electricity going through my brain.
All I want to do is go home and drink 4 or 5 beers and just mello.
These last few sessions just haven't been as good as a few of the key ones, I swear I was getting to a point where I could calmly have a conversation with another person (besides my safe person (I know, it's supposed to be me)) and hear everything they said and calmly interpret it and respond in a way that's as intelligent as I am, and be calm and persuasive.
But the last 3 weeks have been hell.
I've been paranoid and losing my mind, ugh.
I'm going crazy and all I want to do is drink right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am an ex-drinker,(alcoholic, if that makes the point better)and I find it very interesting that all this negativity, (whether it is the chicken, OR the egg that has come first, here)is springing up all around you, and through you, after you said you have experienced relatively calmness, and some peacefulness, since you have been doing Lucinda's program. May I ask if you have gone to any support meetings as well, for your problem drinking during this time as well? Especially when you were doing seemingly so well on Lucinda's program?
I am asking for a very important reason. I was a very active member years ago in one of those support groups. I started having severe symptoms of my agoraphobia, return while I was still going to meetings, and they just got stronger,( the panic symptoms ) so I began to slow down on going out to them ( the meetings ), or taking much part in them, and then started not going to them at all, as my agoraphobia/panic disorder re-gained ground, to the point that I quit going all together. At that time; I had 16 years of continuous sobriety, and had enjoyed a pretty good quality of life, until the panic disorder returned, and strongly. So, after more than two years after I had stopped going to meetings altogether, I finally drank. It's too long to get into all of the specifics of what did/didn't occur after that, except to say that I remembered a lot of members in the group that would say, that after having been in the meetings and abstaining from using for a very long period of time, that if some of us ever DID drink again, we would not be able to ever enjoy it the way we did priorly, nor would it work for us very well anymore, because us (the members) would know too much about their problem drinking, and how it affected us personnally, etc. that it would wreck our drinking to excess pretty much for good. We would NOT be able to feel the relief that we once did, and that if we DID pick up the drinking again, we would find it to be pretty darn miserable real quickly. (i.e. our being able to use alcohol to mask, or to "mellow out" how we were really feeling would no longer work). Which means that we would be even more miserable than we were before. And in MY OWN experience, I would have to say that they were right on the money. It absolutely did not work for me, and honestly, I never even got drunk, that didn't even happen. I understand that need for something to help you "mellow out", But if you are a true problem drinker, it will only make everything you are feeling even worse. Hang in here, and ask for some help, please. Is there anybody you trust close to where you live, that you can get a hold of, and talk to?
Lynn Luv
I am asking for a very important reason. I was a very active member years ago in one of those support groups. I started having severe symptoms of my agoraphobia, return while I was still going to meetings, and they just got stronger,( the panic symptoms ) so I began to slow down on going out to them ( the meetings ), or taking much part in them, and then started not going to them at all, as my agoraphobia/panic disorder re-gained ground, to the point that I quit going all together. At that time; I had 16 years of continuous sobriety, and had enjoyed a pretty good quality of life, until the panic disorder returned, and strongly. So, after more than two years after I had stopped going to meetings altogether, I finally drank. It's too long to get into all of the specifics of what did/didn't occur after that, except to say that I remembered a lot of members in the group that would say, that after having been in the meetings and abstaining from using for a very long period of time, that if some of us ever DID drink again, we would not be able to ever enjoy it the way we did priorly, nor would it work for us very well anymore, because us (the members) would know too much about their problem drinking, and how it affected us personnally, etc. that it would wreck our drinking to excess pretty much for good. We would NOT be able to feel the relief that we once did, and that if we DID pick up the drinking again, we would find it to be pretty darn miserable real quickly. (i.e. our being able to use alcohol to mask, or to "mellow out" how we were really feeling would no longer work). Which means that we would be even more miserable than we were before. And in MY OWN experience, I would have to say that they were right on the money. It absolutely did not work for me, and honestly, I never even got drunk, that didn't even happen. I understand that need for something to help you "mellow out", But if you are a true problem drinker, it will only make everything you are feeling even worse. Hang in here, and ask for some help, please. Is there anybody you trust close to where you live, that you can get a hold of, and talk to?
Lynn Luv
I haven't gone to any support meetings, and I don't really want to, but I've been able to quit drinking without them before (last time, for an entire year and a half). However, I have never been able to get past the cause of my drinking, anxiety.
I feel like I've just lost track of how to self talk. There, I think I just figured something out, I've forgotten how to self talk, either that or it's just getting old because I'm not seeing results quickly enough.
I did drink last night, but only a 16 ounce glass of beer at a restaurant. I had some garlic bread with it, so it's not like it was only alcohol. But later, my thoughts started spinning out of control and I nearly ransacked the house to find more booze, but I didn't find any, so I wasn't able to drink anymore.
I think I've been feeling a lot of guilt and major lack of self esteem lately. Guilt for no reason, like I didn't smile right at somebody, lack of self esteem for false reasons.
The anxiety has been so bad. It's like I have lead in my cheeks and my eyes are on fire.
I have to agree on the alcohol thing, even though I'm struggling, it's just not fun to over indulge in it anymore, and most the time I avoid it, but when I'm feeling highly anxious I'm not looking for fun, I'm only looking to make the pain go away.
I feel like I've just lost track of how to self talk. There, I think I just figured something out, I've forgotten how to self talk, either that or it's just getting old because I'm not seeing results quickly enough.
I did drink last night, but only a 16 ounce glass of beer at a restaurant. I had some garlic bread with it, so it's not like it was only alcohol. But later, my thoughts started spinning out of control and I nearly ransacked the house to find more booze, but I didn't find any, so I wasn't able to drink anymore.
I think I've been feeling a lot of guilt and major lack of self esteem lately. Guilt for no reason, like I didn't smile right at somebody, lack of self esteem for false reasons.
The anxiety has been so bad. It's like I have lead in my cheeks and my eyes are on fire.
I have to agree on the alcohol thing, even though I'm struggling, it's just not fun to over indulge in it anymore, and most the time I avoid it, but when I'm feeling highly anxious I'm not looking for fun, I'm only looking to make the pain go away.