the following are necessary math questions for southerners. there are several any southerner will automatically know. i had to use a calculator to answer questions 4, 6, and 8. for the rest of the answers, i used my southern heritage. i gave my answers as some of you aren't southern. feel free to change or add new answers and forward.
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1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. answer: a plastic bag from walmart will hold a dead possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
answer: these cars are considered classics in the south and, as such, are driven daily along my work route
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? answer: i plead a fifth
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser's will be drunk before the trees are cut down? answer: a lot
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed? this is a trick question. one must add in the number of cousins who married cousins, then divide by brothers and sisters who legally wed each other. note: remember to factor in their children.
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? answer: if feng shui is done correctly, of course
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? please define muffler
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? the correct answer is pi
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if you hold onto the handle, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control ... but it's more fun if you just let wind carry you ...
karma
southern math questions - enjoy
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Well, I'm a native Washingtonian (yes, that's really what we're called), but I'll do my best to try the quiz using my northwestern perspective.
1) You can fit more possums in a "borrowed" shopping cart from Walmart and save the bag as luggage for the next trip to the family reunion (visitors day at the County jail).
2) The one that will rust out first is the the one that you converted into a bass fishing boat because you crashed your last boat while playing a drinking game with your buddies.
3) That depends how your uncle is related to you. If he's your brother, then the answer is seven. If he's your father, then the answer is four. If he's you, then you probably aren't fully capable of building a still so it doesn't matter how many radiators are needed.
4) None. Buds are only for special occasions like weddings and acquittals.
5) It was a trick, trick question. All the dogs live inside.
6) Since four of the children, two brothers and two sisters, married each other, and the fifth is in jail, you only need room for two more mobile homes. Furthermore, the neighbor had a free trailer, so even less space is needed and trailer appliances are smaller. Therefore, yes.
7) A 25% chance. Riding lawnmowers do have mufflers and are a good alternate when you've lost your car due to a DUI.
8) Nobody really knows. Everyone who has visited this town has never returned.
1) You can fit more possums in a "borrowed" shopping cart from Walmart and save the bag as luggage for the next trip to the family reunion (visitors day at the County jail).
2) The one that will rust out first is the the one that you converted into a bass fishing boat because you crashed your last boat while playing a drinking game with your buddies.
3) That depends how your uncle is related to you. If he's your brother, then the answer is seven. If he's your father, then the answer is four. If he's you, then you probably aren't fully capable of building a still so it doesn't matter how many radiators are needed.
4) None. Buds are only for special occasions like weddings and acquittals.
5) It was a trick, trick question. All the dogs live inside.
6) Since four of the children, two brothers and two sisters, married each other, and the fifth is in jail, you only need room for two more mobile homes. Furthermore, the neighbor had a free trailer, so even less space is needed and trailer appliances are smaller. Therefore, yes.
7) A 25% chance. Riding lawnmowers do have mufflers and are a good alternate when you've lost your car due to a DUI.
8) Nobody really knows. Everyone who has visited this town has never returned.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAhaahahahahahaaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAhahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahA
HAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahaAHAHA
That was funny ! LOLOLOLOL HahaAHAHAHAHAHAHahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I don't even think those questions need answers !!!! LOLOLolloloHHAHAHAHAHAahahahAAHAHA
How about another question.
9) when the roads are icy, how many southerners actually make their desination ?
AHahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAhahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahA
HAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahaAHAHA
That was funny ! LOLOLOLOL HahaAHAHAHAHAHAHahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
I don't even think those questions need answers !!!! LOLOLolloloHHAHAHAHAHAahahahAAHAHA
How about another question.
9) when the roads are icy, how many southerners actually make their desination ?
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To keep up the spirit of this thread, below is an application for residency for Arkansas (from basicjokes.com):
Last Name: ________________ (last)
First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______
Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
Last Name: ________________ (last)
First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______
Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know