Here's another I found in a collection called," So Now You Know": After decades of futile pursuit, Wyle E. Coyote finally does catch Beep-Beep the Roadrunner. Then Coyote holds up a sign that says, "OK, you always wanted me to catch him. Now what do I do?"
purpmartin
taking suggestions
Dear AF:
I am a teacher too and am returning to one day a week work after being off for two years. I now know what an anxiety attack is. I am also on my third session and feel a little more confident. I am going to focus on the here and now and on the projects we are working on and try again. I wish I had something funny to tell you, but I am looking for my sense of humor. I think I will find it here. Thanks Searunner.
KFM
I am a teacher too and am returning to one day a week work after being off for two years. I now know what an anxiety attack is. I am also on my third session and feel a little more confident. I am going to focus on the here and now and on the projects we are working on and try again. I wish I had something funny to tell you, but I am looking for my sense of humor. I think I will find it here. Thanks Searunner.
KFM
Here's a new one:
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
"Common things occur commonly. Uncommon things don't. Therefore, when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." -- C.J. Peters
Another one:
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
"Common things occur commonly. Uncommon things don't. Therefore, when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." -- C.J. Peters
One last one:
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
"Common things occur commonly. Uncommon things don't. Therefore, when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." -- C.J. Peters
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
The doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her Life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes... they help me sleep at night!!"
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep."
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas.........God Love Them!!
The doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her Life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes... they help me sleep at night!!"
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep."
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks....................and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas.........God Love Them!!
OK, how 'bout this one:
A man is sentenced to death. The executioner leads him into a room with three doors opposite the door they entered. The executioner then gives the man a revolver with two bullets, leaves, and then locks the entrance. Suddenly, the three other doors open. Out of the first comes a rabid wolf. Out of the second comes a starving lioness. Out of the third comes a politician. The man hesitates and then shoots the politician twice.
A man is sentenced to death. The executioner leads him into a room with three doors opposite the door they entered. The executioner then gives the man a revolver with two bullets, leaves, and then locks the entrance. Suddenly, the three other doors open. Out of the first comes a rabid wolf. Out of the second comes a starving lioness. Out of the third comes a politician. The man hesitates and then shoots the politician twice.
"Common things occur commonly. Uncommon things don't. Therefore, when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras." -- C.J. Peters