Barry's colonoscopy journal

triple"L" · Post by **triple"L"** » Thu Mar 05, 2009 3:27 pm

Barry's colonoscopy journal:

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I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all.

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:39 am

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

That was funny !!! LOL I cut and pasted it and sent it to everyone on my email list !

Thanks for the laugh !

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:53 am

Too funny! I'll have to remember some of those responses when I schedule mine next month. Ha Ha Love the last one.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:10 am

that was tottally the bomb i havent lauhged that hard for quite some time i have had one of them by the way good job lol

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:14 pm

absolutey funny, very glad I found this and read it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:40 pm

On the funny side of it for me was when they gave me a sedative to make me drowsy. All I can remember was being rolled down the hallway on a gurney & I was making honking noises at everyone coming at us. I don’t know why I did that but I couldn’t stop doing it & I was laughing all the way to the room. Once I got in the room I told the Dr. to be gentle with me. Then they gave me some more stuff to make me sleep. It seemed like only a few minutes & I was waking up in my room. My wife was there & I asked her if everything was OK & she said yes. She then proceeded to tell me that the nurse started to laugh when she was telling my wife about the procedure. The nurse said I talked through the whole procedure but she wouldn’t say what I had said. Anybody got any ideas what a grown man would say during a colonoscopy having a camera shoved up his behind? I can only guess LOL.

Thanks for viewing, its good to laugh.
Triple “L”

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 3:06 am

Hilarious.

OK. A few possibilities;
Please make sure you save the video for my next reunion.
Promise me we're not on Youtube.
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip..."
Help. I really am hooked up to the Matrix.
Dang Doc. You have a really, really long finger.
Be very very quiet. We're hunting wabbits.

YoyoyoMo,nica · Post by **YoyoyoMo,nica** » Sat Mar 14, 2009 4:45 am

Thanks a lot SCDon,
Those are good really good & now that I have them burnt in to my mind I will probably tell the Doc those lines the next time they put me to sleep for my next colonoscopy LOL LOL. Oh well they have to laugh to, right?
It’s good to laugh,
Triple “L”

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 22, 2009 6:36 pm

Looks like I,m a little behind(no pun intended),but(no pun intended again),I,m glad I found this!! This is hysterical!!!! I thought my sides would split!tears rolling down my face,gasping for breath and everything.Now that I think about it it sounds like a panic attack!!But it was fun!Soon as I learn how to cut and paste,or whatever it is that other person said they did in order to send this out to all his/her friends,I intend to do the same.A great sense of hunor is invaluable,I love to laugh,keep them comming.

Thanks,I feel much better now,Liz

P.S.boss issues today

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:27 am

I just had my first colonoscopy two weeks ago so I can really relate. rofl That is too funny. They say the night before is the worst part - oh no, it's all bad. I was awake through the entire episode and remember details and have been traumitized with nightmares from it. rofl My meds didn't hit me until I got home and then I passed out for three hours. lol

Great one and thanks for the laugh.