Obsessing about my relationship

Corr · Post by **Corr** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:53 am

Session 10 has really got me thinking. I have been married 6 years now, and our marriage has been a struggle. I know I focus on the bad, but then I tell myself that that is all there is. I know some of the problems are me, but I also don't think my husband is trying. It has been a long road. I feel our marriage is very one-sided, and feel he doesn't care about me. I obsess about it. All day every day, at any moment. We just got into a big fight about it after 2 weeks of ackward silence. My point is, Lucinda says we obsess to distract ourselves from something else that is wrong. I want to blame him, but I wonder if that is because I feel I am the problem. I have had so many expectations of him and so much disappointment, that I doubt I can move past it. We have had a really rough year plus too. I am starting to think that I resent him. That I don't love him anymore, which scares me so maybe I blame him to comfort myself. Like I'm not the bad guy. I was really hoping to be feeling alot better this far into the program, but I don't. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said he wouldn't until I fix myself. I understand I have big problems now, but fear it might be too late if we wait. And why do I need all the fixing? He had me read a whole book (it was a good and helpful book) on how I need to change, but then he tells me he is who he is and can't change. If I am to accept him at face value, shouldn't he do the same with me. I do want to change, because I am not happy. I feel I have hit rock bottom. I have a 5 year old, and she needs a healthy happy mom. I want to change even though it is hard. My husband just gives me the impression that I am so lacking and deffective. I don't know what to do. He can be so great sometimes, but they seem to be fewer and farther between. He even once told me I would ruin our daughter's life if I left him, and she would turn out like me. That has stuck with me a long time. I am from a divorced family, and have no relationship with my dad. I know that contributed to where I am today, so that is a real fear for me. But I also don't believe in staying in an unhappy marriage with lots of fighting and/or silence and tension. That can't be good for her either.
I guess I was hoping to get better through the program. Where I could make an educated decision with my new skills, self confidence, and healthy attitude. To have the strength to make a decision, stand by it, and follow through. Maybe I need professional counseling, although that scares me. I have thought about it for a long time.
Sorry to ramble so long. Thanks for listening.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:29 am

Hi, I just registered today and i know your posting is old but it caught my attention because I can relate to every feeling you are having! I been with my husband for 7 years and boy has it been rough we are too alike and yes we have gone through many many tests we love eachother deeply but we are too alike on the dysfuntional. We've played the "ice "games where neither one talks to the other to see who breaks first and everything in between. Deep down the last 2 years (05-07)was nothing but HELL for me I hated him so much and on top of that I had and deal with anxiety and depression that my resentment was eating me up ALIVE but somehow GOD mades up have to deal with our issues together. I was pregnant and we had 2 other children going through it with us myhormones along with my anger made me want to literally DIE but I couldn't for my kids. Anyways GOD shut every door for either one of us to leave even if we wanted so we had to face our issue and communication problems and work as a team...still working at it and I won't lie it won't be easier and isn't but if there is still some love then there is still a chance you can make it happen. I felt the same way how come I can make changes but the rules don't apply to you? But while going to church they mentioned that when you make the change it eventually rubs off and the other one can't complain since you no longer have a reason. I too always was the victim bcuz it fit my agrument but that too got old because I hated who I had become. I still till this day fight my resentments towards him and try to catch myself bcuz without ALL that Hell i wouldn't be where I am today. GOD sometimes has to bring ALL the way to the bottom for us to listen and change. Remember it could always be worse=)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:07 am

Corr - Counseling is a great idea in a case like this. Even if your husband does not want to go with you. He doesn't have to. You will learn that you are not the ogre you have made yourself out to be.

You are very much in your head and it would be helpful to you to step back and become the observer of what is going on in your life. A good book to help you learn this is written by Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now.

Use your tools to help keep you present. STOP, Calm breath and attention shifting - getting yourself out of your head and into the present moment. Remind yourself to : BE HERE NOW.

And, as far as your daughter turning out like you, ask yourself, "What would be so bad about her turning out like me?" Make a list on paper of all your wonderful qualities. Being phobic (obsessive, anxiety, etc) is only 3% of who we are. That's 97% of good stuff! List all that good stuff about yourself. When someone tells you your daughter is just like you, you can say 'thank you' (instead of getting upset). Learn to love all 100% of yourself - warts and all.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:41 am

Oh I know how you feel, as I too went through rough times with similar thoughts as yours. Not once, but twice, however, the last mountain I concured was with my current husband, although I must say that our heavenly father was our savior.

We were both at rock bottom and headed for down to divorce court with papers in our hands.

It's amazing how things work out; My 23 yr old daughter convinced me to see her relationship therapist. Despite her title, she took me in anyway, I discovered a lot of things I didn't want to hear about myself. However, I wanted to change and move forward with my life in a "positive way" you know, new beginnings. So I took her advise, exercised (walking my dog and we became best buddies as well), work became "only" something I did for 8 hours, I started to look at whom I can help "not just focusing on myself", and started up hobbies of my interest. All these new simple activities disassociated my mind from all the negative thinking.

Well, guess who noticed that I was on my merry way to great beginnings.. without him. Yes, you guessed it, my husband I was divorcing. He found GOD in between this and asked me to go to church with him. I said no thank you.

Then as time went on he asked if he could join me in counceling. At first I said no, but, my therapist convinced me to let him join us for a couple of sessions. Long story short we are still married and very happy, the best part is ... I've always wanted a relationship where my husband would love GOD as much as I do...

Thank you Dear Heavenly Father.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:59 am

Thank you for your advice and stories. Since I wrote mine, things go worse. I left him for a day, but the next we got together and talked. I mean really talked like never before. In the past all our "differences" came out in massive fights. Sunday we sat down and hammered out our differences and came up with a way to try to change them. It has helped. I hold out hope that things can and will get better. I feel it is our last chance. I am looking into counseling but money is well, nonexistant. I feel this is a fresh start. Good luck to you all.