scary relationship thoughts, need help and support badly!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:38 am

olenderc:

I also have had these feelings from time to time. Please know that they are normal and everyone questions if the person they are with is their "perfect mate". I talked with my therapist about this as I have never been one to commit to a relationship. I own a house with my boyfriend of 2 years and believe me, this past year has been a true test of our relationship. This won't be the last "test" I'm positive. No relationship is perfect. Remember that. I will be 27 this year and the idea of marriage or spending the rest of my life with him scares me. And guess what, that is ok because that is just who I am. If we are meant to be together, we will be. Keep this in mind for your relationship as well.

Please bare with me here because I'm torn in my opinion about your situation. You are in college, so I would assume you are young (18-24?). Don't stress so much about the future of your relationship! You are YOUNG and should just enjoy your time together and college life! If you find yourself feeling like staying at college one weekend when you are supposed to go home and see her..be ok with that. You need to experience your college days - don't waste them away trying to analyze your future.

I'm no relationship expert but.. I noticed over and over again that you told us about how much you loved her and that you can't imagine your life without her. You went on to tell us how perfect she is. I hope this is how you genuinely feel and you aren't just repeating this over and over again to yourself in order to convince yourself this is how you "feel" because feeling otherwise makes you feel guilty. Let these feelings surface but don't just jump to react on them. Just take one day at a time and if you continue to feel this way, guess what? It is ok! People grow and change and if you don't feel like you once did for her, you don't feel that way. Accept it. Maybe you will be together one day when you get your life figured out. College is such a stressful time of your life. You are trying to figure out who you are, etc. Be kinder to yourself.

I wish I had an easy answer for you but unfortunately, only time will tell. Remember, don't consume all your thoughts and energy with what is going to happen to the future of your relationship. This will only make things worse because you are constantly overanalyzing everything. Enjoy each day and just let whatever happens happen.

Good luck my friend!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:51 am

I forgot to mention one thing in my post above...if you can't afford the program right now, go to the online store and buy Lucinda's book; From Panic To Power. Covers a lot of what the program covers, just at a higher level.

Crave · Post by **Crave** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 7:05 am

Do you think the book is worth buying if he have the program?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 7:11 am

I went to the online store I could not find the book. How much is it?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 8:22 am

Hmm-that is wierd, I tried the online store and couldn't access anything but the program. Maybe they removed all their items..I wouldn't know why. ?? Yes, I definately recommend the book even if you have the program. I just thought if he couldn't afford the program the book covers much of what the program does, just at a higher level.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 6:51 am

We have the book here and I will report that you can't get in...maybe they are adjusting something. But, you might try the Library in your area and see if the book is available...I think it's about $13 in soft cover.

As for the money problem - why not send me a letter telling me how much spending money you earn each month. Stress Center, P.O. Box 205, Oak Harbor, OH 43449 Attn: Carolyn

Hope to hear from you soon... It's not THE thoughts...it's HOW you think. C.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 19, 2007 9:38 am

I noticed over and over again that you told us about how much you loved her and that you can't imagine your life without her. You went on to tell us how perfect she is. I hope this is how you genuinely feel and you aren't just repeating this over and over again to yourself in order to convince yourself this is how you "feel" because feeling otherwise makes you feel guilty. Let these feelings surface but don't just jump to react on them. Just take one day at a time and if you continue to feel this way, guess what? It is ok! People grow and change and if you don't feel like you once did for her, you don't feel that way. Accept it. Maybe you will be together one day when you get your life figured out.

This sent chills up my spine when I read this.

I know that is the way we should look at it, but that is what scares me.

I have been in my relationship for 5 years, and it has been a constant battle of thoughts for me, during the past few months.

I am like Olenderc, I have thoughts the second I wake up in the morning, like... I can't do this anymore, RUN!, what are you still doing here, this relationship is the reason you feel this way, if you were on your own you'd feel better, he deosnt look familar to you anymore ect. ect.

It lately has been an all day affair, and I can't seem to turn the thoughts off, and being in the present moment is rarely the case.

I managed to accept the other obbsessive thoughts I was having as just anxiety, but once I heard session 10 talk about the thoughts being a distraction, I started feeling like maybe I was distracting myself from dealing with being in this relationship. We have a good relationship, and friendship, there's really nothing I could complain about. But in the five years before my anxiety came out again I had some bouts of uncertainty about being a parent to my fiance's two kids, and really being committed to this lifestyle of parenting and marriage. So that has lead me to belive that it is the cause of my anxiety and panic, and if I just simply leave this relationship then I'll feel better, and I'll be my old self again.

Problem with that is, IT sounds Crazy! I had a panic problem before my fiance, it wasn't as bad, but I was still limited, not to mention I would MISS the hell out of him. And when I picture myself with out him I get sad and scared, which brings out other thoughts like..... What if your just letting your obsessive thoughts get the best of you and push you out, what if you loose the best thing you've ever had, what about the kids, everyone will hate you for not being strong enough to stick around, you will let him down, what will happen if you stay, what will happen if you go, you'll loose him to another woman... who can handle the job. I see epmtyness in my life with out him, but at the same time I see the person I was meant to be without anxiety. I don't want to make decisions based on fear. I'm staying because Im scared, Im leaving because Im scared, Ill get worse if I stay, Ill get worse if I go. I cant get this obsessivness to stop long enough to make a rational logical decision, and Im tierd of being told that maybe this lifestyle isn't for me (marriage & kids) OR, you have to figure out what you want. Ive been doing this for five years now and if I could be positive, and be in the present moment I think everything would be fine.

I guess I fear that maybe Im just not being honets with myself, like the quote states above. Maybe Im just telling myself I love him and want him because Im to affraid to fail him or be without him.

I feel like Im running out of time. My life is moving on without me, and Im to consumed by this to be a part of it.

What is this Im going though, and what should I do?

Thanks so much for listening. Olenderc, I hope this shows you that you are not alone. I was happy to see that I am not alone in this. And everyone is right, the book can help if you can not afford the program. Do you have a credit card? You could use that, I did. They do it in payments over 4-5 months. Another good book I am trying to apply is STOP Obsessing, It realy goes hand in hand with this program.

Take care everyone, hope to hear from you.

Marin · Post by **Marin** » Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:27 am

Originally posted by olenderc:
**Sorry for the LONG post but I really need all your help and support**
Ok, well I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now and it has been going absolutely great we've never had a real problem until recently when I've been getting generally sad and starting to doubt my love for her and many other thoughts that I really dont like. I love her so much and I cant see myself without her shes never done anything wrong, or even given me reason to doubt my love for her, shes really good at showing her love for me. So these thoughts really scare me because I don't want these thoughts to be true because that would absolutely crush me.

And recently I've been researching alot into this and I've come upon this program and then I ran into these problems. The thing is I don't have any money because I go to school and I can't afford this program even though it sounds really helpful, i wish i could have it but I guess I have to learn to overcome this without it and thats why I need all your help and support. I've read other people's posts who have gone through similar things doubting love. What I dont like is hearing sometimes is that these scary thoughts are just hiding some secret meaning and for me I dont want that secret meaning to be that I really dont love my girlfriend and that scares me and it eats away at me, its awful.

Ever since I've been reading these forums I feel like I've been generally getting better and its been helping because i've been reading about people with similar problems as me, but i still need some support because I'm not all the way better. In general this problem really blew up like 4 days ago so I've been really dealing with this for 4 days and trying to stop my scary thoughts.

Basically it all started when i was spending time with my girlfriend and I randomly felt like crappy and sad so I jumped to the conclusion that I dont love her anymore and I started being really scared and i told her how I felt and shes really supportive and shes been with me the whole time through this and i really love her for it, and although shes helpful I feel like I have to get through this myself. And I don't want to lose her because that would be the end of me I cant picture myself without her shes so perfect and I dont have any reason to not love her shes so sweet and caring and loving and it scares me because these thoughts keep coming back and I dont want them to mean that I dont love my girlfriend and that we're going to have to break up.

So I told you about how I've been reading up on here lately and stuff and it's gotten a little better Im slowly learning to just let the feelings come and let them be, but it still scares me that im even having these thoughts, like why could i be having these thoughts, I dont want them to mean that I dont love my gf.
And so last night I was talking to my gf on the phone and all of the sudden I remembered about the thoughts and that I'm having this problem and it hit me real hard and it felt bad because right when it seems like I'm learning to deal with these problems it seemed like it got worse, sort of like a relapse. It could have to do with the fact that I was laying in the same bed, same position, staring at the same ceiling tiles in my college dorm room as when the problem was really bad a few days ago when I also was breaking down to her on the phone. I just want to know (Keep in mind that I'm in college and shes back home only 30 minutes away; I visit her every two weeks and this previous weekend on saturday when the problem came up hardcore, it was my last day with her and I basically left off and came back to college on such an awful point).

So Im here writing for some reassurance about my problem and asking for some help with this because I can't afford this program and I really want to get through this. I want to feel better and feel like I cant go on with my relationship without constantly worrying that I really dont love her and that its going to ruin the relationship. I dont want to have to worry about the problem coming up when im with her because then it would feel as if shes the problem when theres no rational reason she could be the problem.

I really apologize for such a long post but theres so much I need answered and help with and I so greatly would appreciate it, you folks could save my life finally. Mind you, I've always been a worry wart except it just seems like when i worried about other stuff like school it never affected me, but when i started doubting my relationship it really hit me hard because I really care about her and I dont want this to be the problem that I dont love her. And if you ask me Im in the most perfect relationship shes is the sweetest most caring girl and I dont to ruin our otherwise perfect relationship outside this problem, so I don't think Im anywhere near in a destructive relationship like some other people I've read about whose boyfriends hit them, I'd never lay a finger on my girlfriend, I'd die for her before I could ever hurt her.

<span class="ev_code_PINK">my advice to you is hold on to your relationship if it's all that you two have.</span>

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 06, 2008 8:22 am

No one is perfect. Tell yourself to relax, use the relaxation CD and the answer will come to you. You need to think of yourself as equal to her and are capable of loving her or anyone you choose. Ask yourself if she loves you? Then you will know to keep this relationship or not so that she will share the love with you. It would not be the end of the world if she didn't like you. If she is like that, then she don't deserve you. So, just relax and ask her so that you know and can stop obsessing about it. I will be praying for you.

AmandaJ