scary relationship thoughts, need help and support badly!

olenderc · Post by **olenderc** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 3:29 am

**Sorry for the LONG post but I really need all your help and support**
Ok, well I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now and it has been going absolutely great we've never had a real problem until recently when I've been getting generally sad and starting to doubt my love for her and many other thoughts that I really dont like. I love her so much and I cant see myself without her shes never done anything wrong, or even given me reason to doubt my love for her, shes really good at showing her love for me. So these thoughts really scare me because I don't want these thoughts to be true because that would absolutely crush me.

And recently I've been researching alot into this and I've come upon this program and then I ran into these problems. The thing is I don't have any money because I go to school and I can't afford this program even though it sounds really helpful, i wish i could have it but I guess I have to learn to overcome this without it and thats why I need all your help and support. I've read other people's posts who have gone through similar things doubting love. What I dont like is hearing sometimes is that these scary thoughts are just hiding some secret meaning and for me I dont want that secret meaning to be that I really dont love my girlfriend and that scares me and it eats away at me, its awful.

Ever since I've been reading these forums I feel like I've been generally getting better and its been helping because i've been reading about people with similar problems as me, but i still need some support because I'm not all the way better. In general this problem really blew up like 4 days ago so I've been really dealing with this for 4 days and trying to stop my scary thoughts.

Basically it all started when i was spending time with my girlfriend and I randomly felt like crappy and sad so I jumped to the conclusion that I dont love her anymore and I started being really scared and i told her how I felt and shes really supportive and shes been with me the whole time through this and i really love her for it, and although shes helpful I feel like I have to get through this myself. And I don't want to lose her because that would be the end of me I cant picture myself without her shes so perfect and I dont have any reason to not love her shes so sweet and caring and loving and it scares me because these thoughts keep coming back and I dont want them to mean that I dont love my girlfriend and that we're going to have to break up.

So I told you about how I've been reading up on here lately and stuff and it's gotten a little better Im slowly learning to just let the feelings come and let them be, but it still scares me that im even having these thoughts, like why could i be having these thoughts, I dont want them to mean that I dont love my gf.
And so last night I was talking to my gf on the phone and all of the sudden I remembered about the thoughts and that I'm having this problem and it hit me real hard and it felt bad because right when it seems like I'm learning to deal with these problems it seemed like it got worse, sort of like a relapse. It could have to do with the fact that I was laying in the same bed, same position, staring at the same ceiling tiles in my college dorm room as when the problem was really bad a few days ago when I also was breaking down to her on the phone. I just want to know (Keep in mind that I'm in college and shes back home only 30 minutes away; I visit her every two weeks and this previous weekend on saturday when the problem came up hardcore, it was my last day with her and I basically left off and came back to college on such an awful point).

So Im here writing for some reassurance about my problem and asking for some help with this because I can't afford this program and I really want to get through this. I want to feel better and feel like I cant go on with my relationship without constantly worrying that I really dont love her and that its going to ruin the relationship. I dont want to have to worry about the problem coming up when im with her because then it would feel as if shes the problem when theres no rational reason she could be the problem.

I really apologize for such a long post but theres so much I need answered and help with and I so greatly would appreciate it, you folks could save my life finally. Mind you, I've always been a worry wart except it just seems like when i worried about other stuff like school it never affected me, but when i started doubting my relationship it really hit me hard because I really care about her and I dont want this to be the problem that I dont love her. And if you ask me Im in the most perfect relationship shes is the sweetest most caring girl and I dont to ruin our otherwise perfect relationship outside this problem, so I don't think Im anywhere near in a destructive relationship like some other people I've read about whose boyfriends hit them, I'd never lay a finger on my girlfriend, I'd die for her before I could ever hurt her.

the new me · Post by **the new me** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 3:55 am

After reading your post, I think you anwsered your own question- You love her! Anxiety and obsessive thinking make us have some doubt but you really need to listen to your heart! You may be under stress with school or some other stress that you can't pin point and this is your bodys way of distracting you. Try to just float with your thoughts- don't give them any power. Good luck to you!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 3:56 am

olenderc, I had to respond to this one

I could have written this 23 years ago when I was wondering if I loved her (my wife now of 23 years

) From what you have written I think it is more a problem with loving yourself which gives you the doubt for your love of your girlfriend...know what I mean? Believe me, it has taken me a long time to understand this concept. You see, how can you love someone else without learning to love yourself first? You have to reassure yourself about how good a person you are and allow your cup to fill up and overflow to those around you that you love. You need the first big gulp and those you love around you will get their share. :p I hope this makes sense to you...I'm not the best at explaining because my thoughts run so much faster than my hands can type! Ha!Ha! Just hang in there and allow yourself to continue to work on yourself and everything else will fall into place. You have come to a great place and I hope you find the support and information that you need. There are a ton of books at the library that will help you on your journey. Don't give up on yourself and you will be fine.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 4:10 am

OptismisticPessimist, I can see what you mean but it seems like theres so much more to it, I guess I've never been one to settle for such an easy answer. It just confuses me why I would even have reason to doubt my love when I've never been given reason to doubt it. And by learning to love myself first you haven't addressed the issue of these thoughts I just cant seem to lose. In the short 4 days I've been battling with this I have come a long way though, and the thoughts dont drain me as much as they did the first few days but they still come up and Im learning to just let them be. The thing is I wake up in the mornings with what seems like a day long headache and that just reminds me that I have some anxiety problem or whatever and it reminds me that I cant just feel normal this soon.

Gerri L. · Post by **Gerri L.** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 5:22 am

well well well.......everything you have written, i have felt and dealt with. i am like you, a year into my relationship (with my now husband) out of nowhere i was hit with it, just like you. i don't know if i love him enough...i feel weird...i love him and he's perfect, we're really good together, etc etc but i had that nagging feeling of i don't know if i love him (enough). thing for me was i started to really think about our future and we had talked about being together many times before but out of no where i was freaked. in many relationships before the one with my husband things got serious and i bolted. i bolted on my husband (bfriend at the time) broke up with him. hardest thing i ever did-cried and cried, couldn't be at work...i think it's the first time i recognized i may have anxiety/depression issues. we talked little and were not together for a couple months. (and our whole relationship up until we got married was long distance, 2 hours apart only saw eachother on weekends. weekends were awesome)back to our break up. i was numb for awhile, just didn't feel anything. out of nowhere on a sunday i realized how much i really missed him. i cried and cried, i called him and told him. and like your girlfriend, i told him when i broke up with him i didn't know how i felt. he tried to reassure me but i thought i feel this way it can't be right. we got back together soon after i called him and told him i missed him.

unfortunately the feelings resurfaced from time to time. i started therapy and got on medication....i suffer from anxity/depression/ocd. our break up is what got me in to get help along with my husband pushing me. he pushed me even when i wanted to give up. i'm not offering much advice i know but i have been where you are and KNOW it is anxiety talking. i work through those feelings here and there even still. it's just something i've come to terms with. we think a lot. when there's nothing else to think about or focus our attention on, we come back to it. atleast i do. i am absolutely positive i did the right thing in marrying my husband but i still from time to time go holy crap, we're married and it's forever! but i have him and it's the best thing:)

a couple things, i posted on here in session 8's forum, subject, newly married-long story. check it out if you want. and a great website for anxiety stricken people (aimed at getting married mostly and dealing with the anxiety and cold feet) is consciousweddings.com it's full of people like me and you...it's great to read mostly girls yes, but some guys. click on mothers hut or brides's suite and then message boards. good luck. i feel for ya cuz it is a terribly hard feeling to feel. like any feelings we all feel on here but it's no fun doubting yourself. hang in there and keep posting!

keithjoy · Post by **keithjoy** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 5:28 am

You need to get out of your head for awhile. Take a break. You have obsessive thinking, and, yes, it is that simple. Ego loves to complicate things. When you are in your head you are in ego. Practice present moment exercises. This will help you to quiet your mind. You do not have to have an answer in order for the anxious feelings to go away. It is OK to feel doubtful - no matter what the reason. You can't explain it right now because there is no explanation so stop looking for one. Practice being in the moment. Really focus on what you see, hear, smell and touch. Practice this all day long. What you need to know will be revealed to you from a quiet mind.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 12:00 pm

How do I go about this, I tend to have scary thoughts sometimes when Im trying to think good thoughts about my girlfriend. For example, I'll look at a picture of her, and I expect to smile and be happy about it, but instead I jump to stuff like "what if I dont love her?" "what am I not happy when I look at her picture?" "shouldn't I be happy that I have someone who loves me and who I love?" "does this mean I dont love her?"

Or for example I'll be thinking about the next time I see her and I picture running up to her and giving her a big hug and then I start thinking, "what if I get weird when im with her and I dont think I love her" and along with these I start thinking if I dont love her and why Im getting these feelings, shouldn't I feel good about seeing my girlfriend and shouldn't I know I love her.

It seems after a while of feeling good about myself and confident that I love my girlfriend, I'll all of the sudden question it all as if its never going to get better, why can't I just think good things about my girlfriend? It really bothers me because I love her and I dont get where this is all coming from and accepting it seems so futile to me because thats like accepting that I dont love her. It seems that if i keep accepting it that im just trying to ignore it and im going to be bombarded with stuff like this for the rest of my life and i dont want to be constantly bothered by this throughout my entire relationship from now on.
I just want to think about my girlfriend, or look at a picture and feel good and confident that I love her, I dont want to start questioning my love and all those awful thoughts. help

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 3:44 am

Great responses gang! Wonderful support.

Olenderc, what are you doing to change your thoughts? Do you know how? Someone (this program) had to teach me how...I grew up thinking- either the way I thought was how everyone thought OR No one thought the way I did - I didn't know I could change.

The answer IS simple-you are in the habit of analysing everything upside down, inside out, backwards and forwards...take a break and get simple...the problem isn't if you love her, the problem is your thinking/your style of thinking.

I hope that you will do the program, start with the basics of thinking. Find the book, BEYOND NEGATIVE THINKING, Kildahl (and others)-it's out of print so you might struggle to find it) as a starter then read some material on obsessive thinking.

Run to her and hug her and just BE there in that moment, Carolyn

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 4:15 am

To change my thoughts all I really know about is letting my thoughts be and "desensitize" myself to them I guess. Other than that I don't really know much since I don't have the program. I can't afford the progarm either since I'm a college student and I know my parents wouldn't shell out the money for this. So basically I'm not completely sure on how.

If the problem is my thinking/style of thinking, then how come these thoughts keep reappearing and with such strong feeling attached to them. On a day like today, I honestly can't even tell if I'm making these thoughts up or they really exist, its really unfortunate because I don't want these thoughts to be here because they really hurt. But how am I supposed to believe that I love her if they don't stop coming back and are so strong that I can't even tell whats real and what's not.

What if I run to her and hug her and just BE in the moment and then something happens and I all of the sudden start doubting my love. What if she tells me she's so happy to see me and that she loves me and I say I love you back but it feels like I just forced it and I feel guilty about it. When I'm having these thoughts of doubt for love it really kills me and I trying rationalizing by asking myself if I lost her would I be sad or miss her and stuff like that. But sometimes I just can't like grip myself on the reality of that and as a result I don't have any emotion and I can't tell myself that I'd miss her or not regret losing her, and that sounds so bad and I'm ashamed of it because if I really did love her, wouldn't I say that of course I'd miss her if I lost her. As a resutl with a series of thoughts like this, I can't help but feel that these thoughts are real, I need so much help, I don't want to lose this girl but why else would these thoughts constantly be bombarding me.

Taimour · Post by **Taimour** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:09 am

Again, I'd like to repeat myself, you are in your head too much. You can not get good feedback from yourself in your head. The same thing that is questioning everything is the same thing providing you with answers. This isn't truth.

How about this: Whenever you have doubts (and I know it's almost constant so this is a great exercise)just allow the thoughts. Watch them. If you need to say something, just say: Thank you for sharing. (Of course, you say this silently in your head.) Thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing. You get the idea. Right now you are judging the thoughts. They are nothing but thin air and a bad habit. That's why they keep coming back. If you didn't fight them,they would not keep coming back. Now, be patient, because it takes time to change a habit. 21 days, no big deal. By allowing the thoughts to come and go you are no longer resisting them. (Remember, resisting them keeps them coming back.) Allowing does not mean you do not love your partner. It means you love her enough to let go of the thoughts. You let go by allowing them their passage. They will get weaker and weaker. They won't have the hold on you that they do now.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing. Put a smile on your face when you say this: Thank you for sharing. Don't fight anymore.

You can do this one thing. Practice for one day. Then be willing to practice for two days, then three, etc.

I know you can do it. There are many good books out there. I'd like to add The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It supports you and gives you exercises to do to help you move forward.

My best to you.