Stress Center Peer Support

hi everyone,
i just joined and looking forward to having support from people that actually go through this. i have had panic disorder with agoraphobia and pts for about 2 years now. i was at a real low with the panic attacks about 2 years ago. it was so bad that i couldn't leave my house and could bearly function. i would have 5-10 attacks a day. i thought that i wasbeing punished for something. i felt as if i was truly living in hell. well, i recovered and started to get my life back. i went back to work 6 months later and was doing really good. i haven't had a panic attack in over a year. i felt so awsome to be free of it. i still have some limitations with driving, but overall i was feeling so good.

two months ago my life felt like it was being turned upside down. i am 36 weeks pregnant and i have a 7 year old son. i was at a convention for work and all of a sudden i'm standing outside on a break and looking down off the 5th floor and i got this scary thought that i was gonna jump. i couldn't figure it out because i am terrified of heights. i couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. when i left all i could think about was the thought and then more thoughts hust came in my head. i thought that i was gonna jump out of the car. it was just getting so out of control. here i was always being afraid of dying and i'm thinking i'm gonna actally hurt myself.

the thoughts got worse i didn't just think i was gonna hurt myself i was now thinking i was gonna hurt my son. the person i loved the most in this world. he was the reason i fought so hard to make it through my cancer and the first bout of anxiety. it was all for him. when those thoughts came i started to feel so crippled. it was the hardest thing. i felt like my life was slowly being taken away from me. i couldn't pass anything without thnking that i was gonna hurt him with it. plastic bags, knives, water, baseball bats, you name it i thought that i was gonna use those things and hurt him. i couldn't even be around him.

well, i started having some success. i realized that it was anxiety. it was good to her that i wasn't really gonna act on these thoughts, but that they were just that thoughts. i started to find strenghth and started seeing clear days. that's when i really started to believe that it was just anxiety.

in the past few days it has started to creep in again. i feel like i'm the one bringing them on. i can't figure out why i would do this to myself. i start to let them scare me to a point where i'm thinking this isn't anxiety. i freaked myself out so bad the other day that i thought i was really back to the days when i had the panic attacks. i passed the place where i had had my first really bad panc attack and just freaked out. i'm starting to worry about the thoughts letting them just consume my day. i'm worried about delivery about the new baby and hurting my son again. the thoughts come in and out. i can fight them at times and not be scared and other times i'm sick of them and get frustrated. i just want to be free of them and live normally.

There is a therapy for this, it is called exposure therapy.

For instance if you fear knives, you practice holding knives, point them toward yourself, play with them etc. You know you aren't going to do anything bad, is the important thing here!

Likewise, you have weird thoughts about jumping from a high place, hang out near the ledge casually, maybe have a friend around, you know you aren't going to do anything, it's just to get over that fear.

I know that may sound wacky but it actually makes sense. You know you aren't psycho and won't do anything that harms you or anyone else, in your heart of hearts, your mind is messing with you, so you have to expose yourself to your fear to the point of comfort around those fears.

thanks for sharing. i've been slowly trying to face the things that scare me. i work on them at therapy, but have been finding somethings hard to practice alone. i'm able to help my son in the bath without being too afraid. i have also been practicing being alone with him. i know this works. at times i just wish i didn't have to do the work i wish that i would just go away on it's own. i want to just wake up and all of this is over. it's hard when i have my clear days because it's like i convince myself that it has all come to an end. that the anxiety is no longer a part of my life. when i have my bad days i feel like i'm backsliding and get really frustrated with myself. i want so badly for only clear days. my doctor said i'm in the mid point of kicking this thing. i hope she's right.

Sweetheart, you are distracting yourself from the stress and anxiety with being pregnant. Your hormones are totally out of wack and I know it's so hard to realize that when you're in the midst of it. In a bit (days, weeks, etc.) you will look back and think 'wow, I'm glad I'm out of that rut'.

I am in a rut too. My obsessive thoughts came back two weeks ago and I can't shake it. When I get up in the morning I am clear and able to not think about it, but as the day goes on it gets bad. My mind just won't stop. It's so funny how I'm telling you what's going on, but I'm feeling the same things. You need time to heal and snap out.

thanks so much!!! i know that my hormones are so outta wack right now. i gotta say i've been doing pretty good. i have those days that i just wish i could wake up normal, but i've learned or am starting to accept that this is my life. i can either run and do no work or i can face it head on and work my butt off at getting better. even though it takes so much work i am determined to work. what other choice do i really have? i just want to help others dealing with the same issues.

I know, it's weird sometimes how it IS so much work! It can be tough to stay on track and document bad/scary/obsessive thoughts, and it is also hard to remember to put that stop sign up the second you become negative. Caroline in one of the tapes said 'it just takes one fleeting thought' to trigger a bad period of time (hour, day, week, etc.). She is right... since I have been really working on determining how I felt just before getting into one of my 'ruts' I have figured out that it is usually triggered initially by how I viewed myself. Maybe it was a bad day at work and a thought of 'I'm not as smart as some of the other people', or 'I'm not as fit as the models in the magazine', or ANYTHING, and it starts a subconcious downward spiral. The trick is recognizing when these thoughts pop in your head. It's tricky because they are not always clear, more like they are floating around in the back of your head. I have begun to acknowledge these thoughts and have to constantly remind myself to replace them. For a while, wearing a brightly colored hair band around my wrist was enough of a reminder to do this. Over time it works... it's fun to look back and realize my thoughts WERE causing my fear and obsessive cycles.

I've come to the conclusion that if it were easy to be happy, EVERYONE would be happy. But it doesn't always have to be such hard work as long as we can teach ourselves these new habits.

Don't let the setbacks get you. Stop each time and think 'of course I feel squirly, I am pregnant, which is stressful, and it is very likely than my hormones are triggering this'. Practice makes perfect!

today was a trying day. it was like i was trying to call the thoughts. which makes no sense cause the last thing i want is to have these toughts i work hard to just be at peace. i woke up this morning, started talking and thanking GOD for having had such peaceful days and then it was like i set myself up thinking it's too good to be true that today was gonna be my bad day. it's like when everything is going good and the thougths don't seem to take over i feel like something is missing. the missing feeling is those crazy thoughts. i don't know why? it's like i don't know how to function with the thoughts but when i don't have them it seems like something's missing. i just don't get it???????

another thing i have found when i'm having those scary thoughts now i convince myself that "this time i'm gonna end up doing it." even though i know in my heart i am not!!! i doubt myself and think that if i keep having these thoughts it must mean this time i will do it. it's like i'm trying to up the anxiety level. why do i do these things? i get more intense. it is frustrating and getting really OLD!!!

two years ago i convinced myself on a daily basis that today is the day i'm gonna have a heart attck or stroke and i'm gonna die. i can look back at the panic attack and agoraphobia days and can find the humor in most of that time. i look back and realize how far i have come! i went from not leaving my room for 6 months and having an average of 10 panic attacks a day and really thought i would never get through that time, but i did. so, i do have faith that this too will come to an end. just feel a little frustrated that that time is not RIGHT NOW!!

I know what you mean when you say you are just tired of it. It does get very exhausting, but that is exactly when you need to keep giving yourself positive reinforcement. Look at how far you have come! One thing that makes me happy is to know that all the work I am doing now will probably make me better equiped to have a healthy, happy life and better able to deal with difficult situations than someone who does NOT suffer from this. Look at it as putting together an awesome toolbox that will allow you to lead a more fulfilled life.

I have suffered for almost 20 years off and on. Since starting this program in September, for the first time I realize my scary thoughts are just me distracting myself. Keep telling yourself that because it is true. You clearly have a creative and intelligent mind and it is good at playing tricks on you. And remember, since your scary thoughts make you afraid and make you feel bad, you will NOT act on them. The people who do bad things are the ones who don't even realize they are having odd thoughts!

I have hit a few big bumps along the way but since starting this program and learning to talk to myself differently I think I am able to learn from each of the experiences. Therefore, don't get down each time you experience difficulties. Instead, really try to learn from it and work to pinpoint exactly how you felt, what you were doing, who you were talking to, etc. in the days leading up to the 'episode'. But since you are sometimes telling yourself 'this is going to be the day I...', it's my guess that you just have an overactive imagination! (I'm not trying to downplay it, it's just that I can relate COMPLETELY).

Learn something from each experience and know that it takes a long time to break years of doing things a certain way. Don't get discouraged... there will always be difficult things to deal with and you need to start to under-react to the way your thoughts make you feel. I try to remember all of these things when I'm having a hard time.

1blessedg I think there's a cd for all of our feelings! Especially the guilt one you are talking about - you know, that you don't deserve to have a good day. It's in session 9, I believer, about getting off the guilt treadmill.

thanks for the info. i really need to work on that. i have been having a pretty good day. i went to therapy and my dr did let me know that i had to replace all that energy i spend on anxiety and use it on something else.

i have been starting to excited and anxious about my delivery and new baby. i sometimes freak myself out about the post part deppression. i worry that i'll have it and go crazy. i worry that i will freak out during delivery. i already have one and did really good during delivery and after. i didn't have this anxiety problem then either. i don't know hopefully everything will go smooth.