In 2006, I lived in an apartment building with about 9 total apartments or so. One Labor Day while my husband and I were gone on a day trip to a local island we came home to find news reporters outside. My husband had to go pick up my daughter from my mother in law's. When I went upstairs I found over 30 calls on my caller ID. I thought something is definetly going on here. A few minutes later my neighbor knocks on my door and tells me that a new guy that had moved into an apartment on the first floor had shot and killed himself and his wife in front of their children in our parking lot. He said there was still stuff down there from the investigation and the bodies were only moved a few hrs before we had gotten home. Around this same time I started having the obsessive thoughts about hurting my husband and my daughter. I thought that guy did it, what causes a person to snap like that and just so brutally murder his wife and self in front of his children. Am I capable of doing the same thing? I promptly started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.
Fast forward about 6 months and I began having more issues with the thoughts. My MD put me on Xanax which I was excited about getting some relief from the anxiety. One night while going to bed after popping a Xanax. I had this brutal image in my head of killing my husband and my daughter with a kitchen knife. It sent me into a state of panic. I woke up. Took all the knives down into my husband's car and locked them in the trunk. I slept that night with my daughter and husband locked in the other room and me on the couch shivering in pure fear. I think it was probably one of the worst nights of my life. Once again, back to the therapist and psychiatrist for even more meds.
Every since this occasion I have had spikes of the thoughts. Constantly needing reassurance from my husband of my sanity. My relationship is still very close to my daughter despite my distancing myself when the thoughts arise because most of them are about her. I'm not scared of hurting my husband. I know he could defend himself. My life for the past 3 years have been this constant spiking of the thoughts. It'll be a big issue for about a week or so. Then it'll go away or the anxiety will so the thoughts lessen. Then they'll spike again.
Last Monday, the 18th I sat around watching a TV marathon of Paranormal State. I've always have been very interested in the paranormal and yet very scared too. My family was brought up very strict Christian Protestant. Though I don't agree with what I learned growing up, at least not all of it. One thing that has been set in my mind is that possession and evil spirits is very real. I have been able to push that out of my head for a long time, not think about it. But after watching the show something was triggered in me. I thought... what if these thoughts I have been having are related to some sorta possession or demon? THEN the spike happens all over again. I have had several nights of sweating all night in this pseudo sleep state with thoughts scaring me out of my wits. Finally, last Friday I went to my psych and got onto Lamictal and Prozac which I've used previously to help balance me out and help with the anxiety. Though today I feel a million times better than I did a week ago. I still feel traumatized by those thoughts. Almost to the point that one therapist said I had PTSD from them.
After finding this website yesterday, I just started crying. I thought my goodness.. I am not alone and I am not crazy. I called my husband and told him all about what my condition is called and explained to him everything. For once I feel like if I know what I have and whats going on I can help it. I ordered all the books rush delivery that were suggested in a previous thread. Tomorrow I will be receiving the Mind Imp book, Mind Block, workbook and overcoming obsessive thoughts. I can't wait to start them. I've also began today to set aside time to ruminate and watching and reading stories of those people who have hurt thier children. Though it scares me to read about it and watch these things. I know I'm helping to desensitize my mind. Also, I'm realizing, these people have psychosis. I just have pure O... nothing more.
Thank you everyone for the wealth of information. I am starting to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am so sorry that anyone has to go through these scary thoughts. It's amazing that our minds know exactly what to do to frighten us. It's truly debilitating. I look forward to getting to know everyone better. And if anyone would like, I would love to have someone to go on this journey to recovery with. My email address is KristinaMarie1026@gmail.com
Thanks again!
~Kristina
