What Keeps Me Up at Night

[feelingbetter01]

Often, I think about how I sabotage myself. I don't ever seem to make the right decision. I also worry when I have ridiculous, hurtful thoughts concerning strangers or how I can never say the right thing. Then I try to figure out where exactly I let things go wrong, or how I could allow myself to think such terrible things about people, or just that I'll never get better. I've always entertained these thoughts. I've been inflating them, thinking chasing them down was how you solved them.

I'm able to see these obsessive, scary thoughts as fabrications. The obsession is in the need to solve the unsolvable. This is how they're the perfect distraction. I recognize them, as the white rabbit so to speak, but don't follow them down the rabbit hole. I devalue them by repeating, "This is just a distraction. I am in control. I am calm." For me, the interesting thing that happens is my obsession shifts to what's really bothering me: That I'm not assertive enough or I can't get to sleep. Now, I'm able to handle these thoughts because they are more worries than actual obsessive thoughts. I say to myself, "Worries are a waste of time. I am learning skills to be assertive and with practice and patience I will achieve this goal." Or, "My body will get the rest it needs, I don't have to force myself to fall asleep. What I can do is relax and focus on my breathing."

I say and write all this for affirmation. It is the truth, I know, especially in practice. I just hope it sticks.