Often obsessing about death, attending wakes/funerals

[blue indigo]

Hello all,
Perhaps many of you have these fears, too.... I don't know what I was told as a child, but at age 13 a cousin of my parents died from a brain tumor. My young cousin 11 yrs old went to the wake and funeral, but I was terrified of seeing a favorite "Aunt Florence" laid out as a corpse. Well, my parents made fun of me as they went to the wake for 3 afternoons and nights before the burial service. Italian custom = they draw this thing out for 3 or 4 days. I was a sensitive child of stern parents. Recently the grandmother of my new son in law passed away, I did go to the wake on burial day, I sat with my husband way in the back of the small chapel. I couldn't bring myself to walk up to the casket and pay my respects, so I sat and prayed for her instead, which comforted me, too. I do fine when someone passes on and there is a cremation service which is what we did when each of my two sons passed on. but I just get so anxious and somewhat scared when it's a visiting hours wake/funeral. My mom is 100 yrs in October, and I often obsess about her wake and funeral service. I think I scare myself saying to myself "What if you just can't cry, will you freak out and have a panic attack upon viewing the body?" Then I catch myself obsessing over these fearful thoughts and say to myself "Thoughts... only thoughts" I listen to the relaxation tape 2 to 3 times a day still. I know now that fear of death/dying is just fear of the unknown, but this is a big issue it seems for me. I really need to get healed and over this bad habit of obsessing over the future events and begin to live in the moment.
I am working on coming back to the present moment. I will talk with my minister about this, it's probably more common than I realize! I have heard that if we knew that dying and the death experience is such a uplifting, freeing and beautiful experience, we would never fear death again.... I used to tell myself (an excuse for not facing the corpse at a wake) that I really would rather remember the person the way he or she was in life. I really need your inputs on this so that I may finally put these anxieties and fears to rest. Thank you all in advance for your support, I'm doing rather well on this course and I am so grateful to Lucinda and Dr. Fisher for their vital info to heal this anxiety disorder. I'm feeling so much better these days!
All the best,

Patti