Ok...I work as a teacher, and I am about to take over a class for a maternity leave for the rest of the year. I am OBSESSING about it so much that I have so much anxiety about it, it's hard for me to function while I'm there. I obsess so much about what the other teachers think of me, and that I'm going to be so completely consumed in my obsessing that I won't be able to handle it, and I will fail.
Funny thing is, I've never had a fear of failure like this before. I've been obsessing about it since like FEBRUARY when another new teacher came in and 'clicked' with everyone right away. I was already obsessing about my self confidence and personality and beating the he** out of myself EVERYDAY, then this new guy comes in and is 'SO GREAT!!!' that I began obsessing about am I gonna fit in now, they don't like me as much anymore, I feel weird around them now, I can't act normal around them, and it just ballooned out of control...AGAIN.
It's so hard to catch these obsessive thoughts before it's too late. Now I'm so stuck in it, I have so much anxiety when I'm there and around these people, that I just want to avoid them and the whole situation. I try to act normal, but it's hard, and then I just imagine them all talking about me. And the worst part is, I have to spend and hour and a half with this 'new guy' in the room with me for one of the classes EVERYDAY. And when he came around, is when I started obsessing. I feel like I'm gonna be so consumed with this and so anxious that I'm not gonna even be able to teach while he's there. Then he's going to go tell the others how I am, and I'm going to fail and get a bad reference, etc. etc. etc. But I've never been like that before. I got an A- for student teaching, and I got this position from subbing for this teacher and doing a good job before. But that was WAY back in the beginning of the year before any of this obsessing on this topic started.
I've never been like this before. I hate it. I just want my normal life back. I'm taking over this room in 2 weeks. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Lately I've been able to reaaalllly relate to one of the guys on the tapes about how he felt that the anxiety was a thief and that everything he'd done in his life up to that point didn't matter and that it was ruining it all.
I've been feeling like that a lot lately. That this anxiety and obsessing is a thief that is making my world smaller and smaller and smaller. First it started out so bad with all those classic scary thoughts. It was so bad, and I was so freaked out that I almost quit school because I couldn't function. But I refused to do that because I felt like 1.) It would be a failure (wow) and 2.) I didn't want to let it beat me like that.
But then it was completely gone (well 99%) of it) for almost a year. Then the thoughts came back and it was all about the guy I was dating. That relationship ended. I did though go through an enormous emotional trauma of losing my mom when I was just 23 and she was 51, so of course I was an emotional disaster for a very long time.
But that's the 2nd relationship it's 'turned' on. Now it's turning on my job. And I have myself so wrapped up in it that I have myself thinking that I can't be a teacher because I can't handle it or work with people because of this problem, that I'm going to be so consumed in obsessing it's just going to target one thing in my life after another and rob everything from me because it is so powerful.
And I don't want to take any meds. I haven't given into that yet. I just don't know. I don't have any health insurance either.
I know I'm rambling and I feel like this is very negative, but it's just what has been completely consuming me lately, and I just wondered if anyone had any words of encouragement.
I feel so mad at this and basically like the 'victim' which makes me even more mad, ha.
I don't know what to do.
Sorry for the book! And thanks in advance for any words of comfort/encouragement.
HELP
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Guest
Hey ,
I can totally relate to your situation. In brief I will tell you my story. I began having panic attacks about 3 years ago. I had the racing thoughts, the obsessions and the high anxiety. I was bed ridden for about 6 months before I finally got some answers with this program.
I felt like I lost everything at the time. I had to stop going to school, i had to leave my job, and i couldnt go out and enjoy time like I use too.
But this program helped me take my life back. EVerything anxiety disorder took from me I have taken back. In 2 weeks I start school again I am already working and have been going out for a long time now. I am currently obsessing like "what if this does not last? what if i relapse? what if i am not ready?
Well about 4 months ago I was diagnosed with a form of OCD called Pure-O. everyone obsesses about something. Not just us folks with anxiety disorders but everyone. I am sure the new guy you are talking about probably had some obsessions when he started at your school.
you mentioned medication and I use to feel that way too. I got to a point where I needed to the medications help. And along with therapy, this program, and the medication I am almost fully recovered. But the cure is in the cognitive skills I learned from this program.
The obsessions you have are just thoughts and only thoughts. The best evidence of this is in these forums. if you check out the topics, people here obsess about a lot of different things. The thoughts don't matter, what we say to ourselves about them is more important.
If I told you about one of my obsessions you might say, well that is not so bad I don;t obsess about that. It goes to show you that its the negative thinking habit that is the problem not the thoughts.
Cognitive therapy like this program really helps.
I have found the best solution and relief I have gotten from the obsessing is to just let the thoughts sit there...
" what if they don't like me?" I use to respond with ..."but I am a good person? did i offend anyone? they didn't laugh at my jokes maybe they don;t like me?...I was ruminating and feeding an endless cycle.
My positive self-talk responds now in a much better way that ends the cycle before it begins
"what if i fail at this?" well I am human and will do the best that I can.
But the best remedy was not responding. By responding you give emotional strength to these obsessions and the brain will keep bringing them on over and over.
I know you mentioned you did not have insurance, but do you have this Stress program?
if you don't I recommend a book for you about obsessive thoughts and how to rid yourself of them.
Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts -
by: Christine Purdon, David Clark
My OCD specialist has been to functions hosted by Dr. Clark and says he is very good.
I found this book for only about 16$
It reinforces what this program taught me but goes a bit further.
It teaches you how thoughts work, and how our mistake is how we misinterprit the importance of some of these thoughts. It teaches you the cycle that leads to obsession and how to cut it out.
Both writers are specialist in anxiety and ocd. It has worked wonders for me and would recommend it to you.
Just some behavioral modification can change some bad habits we have festered for years. God bless and I really believe you will be ok.
As far as your teaching, you were given the job because you must be considered more than capable. It is not your first teaching job, you have experience. Don't fight these thoughts. Let them sit there it is only anxiety and it goes away when you stop feeding it doubt, worry and fear. You can do it. God bless
If you ever need any support or help or want to vent send me a message
Take care
EddyJ
I can totally relate to your situation. In brief I will tell you my story. I began having panic attacks about 3 years ago. I had the racing thoughts, the obsessions and the high anxiety. I was bed ridden for about 6 months before I finally got some answers with this program.
I felt like I lost everything at the time. I had to stop going to school, i had to leave my job, and i couldnt go out and enjoy time like I use too.
But this program helped me take my life back. EVerything anxiety disorder took from me I have taken back. In 2 weeks I start school again I am already working and have been going out for a long time now. I am currently obsessing like "what if this does not last? what if i relapse? what if i am not ready?
Well about 4 months ago I was diagnosed with a form of OCD called Pure-O. everyone obsesses about something. Not just us folks with anxiety disorders but everyone. I am sure the new guy you are talking about probably had some obsessions when he started at your school.
you mentioned medication and I use to feel that way too. I got to a point where I needed to the medications help. And along with therapy, this program, and the medication I am almost fully recovered. But the cure is in the cognitive skills I learned from this program.
The obsessions you have are just thoughts and only thoughts. The best evidence of this is in these forums. if you check out the topics, people here obsess about a lot of different things. The thoughts don't matter, what we say to ourselves about them is more important.
If I told you about one of my obsessions you might say, well that is not so bad I don;t obsess about that. It goes to show you that its the negative thinking habit that is the problem not the thoughts.
Cognitive therapy like this program really helps.
I have found the best solution and relief I have gotten from the obsessing is to just let the thoughts sit there...
" what if they don't like me?" I use to respond with ..."but I am a good person? did i offend anyone? they didn't laugh at my jokes maybe they don;t like me?...I was ruminating and feeding an endless cycle.
My positive self-talk responds now in a much better way that ends the cycle before it begins
"what if i fail at this?" well I am human and will do the best that I can.
But the best remedy was not responding. By responding you give emotional strength to these obsessions and the brain will keep bringing them on over and over.
I know you mentioned you did not have insurance, but do you have this Stress program?
if you don't I recommend a book for you about obsessive thoughts and how to rid yourself of them.
Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts -
by: Christine Purdon, David Clark
My OCD specialist has been to functions hosted by Dr. Clark and says he is very good.
I found this book for only about 16$
It reinforces what this program taught me but goes a bit further.
It teaches you how thoughts work, and how our mistake is how we misinterprit the importance of some of these thoughts. It teaches you the cycle that leads to obsession and how to cut it out.
Both writers are specialist in anxiety and ocd. It has worked wonders for me and would recommend it to you.
Just some behavioral modification can change some bad habits we have festered for years. God bless and I really believe you will be ok.
As far as your teaching, you were given the job because you must be considered more than capable. It is not your first teaching job, you have experience. Don't fight these thoughts. Let them sit there it is only anxiety and it goes away when you stop feeding it doubt, worry and fear. You can do it. God bless
If you ever need any support or help or want to vent send me a message
Take care
EddyJ
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Guest
EddyJ...you always write such encouraging responses 
. Thank you.
I know I feed into these thoughts. I do exactly what you wrote. " what if they don't like me?" I use to respond with ..."but I am a good person? did i offend anyone? they didn't laugh at my jokes maybe they don;t like me?...I was ruminating and feeding an endless cycle.
That's EXACTLY what I do. I get so tied up in it that my brain will literally feel like it is in a huge knot inside my skull. And I get that lump in my throat. And it's hard to concentrate and focus on what I'm doing because I'm so completely consumed by it. I will literally pace the floors. It's so hard to distract myself, believe me, I've tried.
I used to feel so much better when I was busy working. A while ago. Because I would occupy my mind with that. And I did a good job! Because I was able to focus so much on that, with my attention to detail and intuitiveness (if that's even a word) ha that gets me into trouble sometimes. Actually...a lot of the time now.
It's so hard not to fall into it. I feel like it keeps getting sneakier and sneakier. Tricking me into it every time. By the time I catch it, I'm already consumed.
This morning though, while I was getting ready, I just kept thinking..."These are just obsessive thoughts. I can let them flow in and out of my mind, and it's ok." I just kept thinking that every time I noticed myself starting to spiral. It was actually helping. They were still there, but...for today...they kind of were less powerful. I'm going to do the same thing the next time they come around, and maybe it will help again.
I do have the program. Thank goodness. I am working on going through it again. I started it a few years ago, but never finished it because I was feeling better (ha). This time I'm determined to go through and work it more, because I didn't even apply the skills that much the first time. I learned A LOT though, so that's a positive.
All of this started for me when I was in college...about 4 years ago. I remember just feeling like I just didn't feel right. Like my thoughts were just broken up and kind of flitting around in my head. Then I started worrying about what was wrong. Then, sitting in a history class, I heard the instructor talking about some old historian or something, and I overheard him say "This guy was crazy." BOOM. That was it. After that was when it finally got bad. I had all the classic "Am I crazy?" obessions. For months. Then when I got the program, I think I had so much relief from hearing about everyone else on the tapes, and finally knowing that...they were ok, so maybe I will be too...that the obsessions stopped for almost a YEAR.
Wouldn't that be nice now, huh?
Well I'm glad to hear about your progress. It really helps to hear positive things about others with this pure-O crap. I'm glad you seem to be beating it. Ugh, I hope I will be there one day too. Wait...let me be positive here...I WILL be there one day. One step at a time. I just have to be proactive with it.
I'll look up that book, too. Have you read the Imp of the Mind? I haven't, but have heard lots of good things about it.
Thanks again for the reply. It always helps a lot
.
. Thank you.I know I feed into these thoughts. I do exactly what you wrote. " what if they don't like me?" I use to respond with ..."but I am a good person? did i offend anyone? they didn't laugh at my jokes maybe they don;t like me?...I was ruminating and feeding an endless cycle.
That's EXACTLY what I do. I get so tied up in it that my brain will literally feel like it is in a huge knot inside my skull. And I get that lump in my throat. And it's hard to concentrate and focus on what I'm doing because I'm so completely consumed by it. I will literally pace the floors. It's so hard to distract myself, believe me, I've tried.
I used to feel so much better when I was busy working. A while ago. Because I would occupy my mind with that. And I did a good job! Because I was able to focus so much on that, with my attention to detail and intuitiveness (if that's even a word) ha that gets me into trouble sometimes. Actually...a lot of the time now.
It's so hard not to fall into it. I feel like it keeps getting sneakier and sneakier. Tricking me into it every time. By the time I catch it, I'm already consumed.
This morning though, while I was getting ready, I just kept thinking..."These are just obsessive thoughts. I can let them flow in and out of my mind, and it's ok." I just kept thinking that every time I noticed myself starting to spiral. It was actually helping. They were still there, but...for today...they kind of were less powerful. I'm going to do the same thing the next time they come around, and maybe it will help again
.I do have the program. Thank goodness. I am working on going through it again. I started it a few years ago, but never finished it because I was feeling better (ha). This time I'm determined to go through and work it more, because I didn't even apply the skills that much the first time. I learned A LOT though, so that's a positive.
All of this started for me when I was in college...about 4 years ago. I remember just feeling like I just didn't feel right. Like my thoughts were just broken up and kind of flitting around in my head. Then I started worrying about what was wrong. Then, sitting in a history class, I heard the instructor talking about some old historian or something, and I overheard him say "This guy was crazy." BOOM. That was it. After that was when it finally got bad. I had all the classic "Am I crazy?" obessions. For months. Then when I got the program, I think I had so much relief from hearing about everyone else on the tapes, and finally knowing that...they were ok, so maybe I will be too...that the obsessions stopped for almost a YEAR.
Wouldn't that be nice now, huh?
Well I'm glad to hear about your progress. It really helps to hear positive things about others with this pure-O crap. I'm glad you seem to be beating it. Ugh, I hope I will be there one day too. Wait...let me be positive here...I WILL be there one day. One step at a time. I just have to be proactive with it.
I'll look up that book, too. Have you read the Imp of the Mind? I haven't, but have heard lots of good things about it.
Thanks again for the reply. It always helps a lot
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Guest
Hey I am here any time!
I am glad you had a great day. You are in the good category where you are aware of what gets you in too sticky situations and what sord of helps.
Distractions and creativity help because as my therapist said to me, creativity is in the left side of the brain the same side as sex, fear, and anxiety. So it is no wonder i am an artist and writer. I see this ocd thing as a gift not a curse. But definitely mind stimulation while you sit in and let the thoughts float in and out helps a lot. I just picked up a couple of crossword puzzle books that cost like 2$. I figured when I am feeling obsessive i can change my mental focus without feeding the cycle with one of those.
I did read the Imp of the Mind. That book really led me to a lot of my recovery now. But the book I just mentioned to you, this one is finally a book on OCD but the kind that we have. Most of the other books like Stop Obsessing have great tips but it is more for physical ritualizers. Our ritual is mental. We feel like we cannot let an unwanted thought sit in our mind for fear it will come true or we will start believing it.
But thoughts are only thoughts. They are neither ideas or desires, and say nothing about who we are. However what you say to yourself about your thoughts affects how you feel.
I am glad you have this program. It was a wonderful foundation I built to combat this OCD.
It is the same kind of therapy in lesson 10 that I am doing with my specialist.
My advice is this,
Whenever you start to have the thoughts, do not respond specifically to them. Just respond with there goes my anxiety again. or there goes my ocd again. give it a name. I call mine John Stamos lol.
If you respond individually to each thought you will get stuck in the never ending cycle. It produces a lot of anxiety and i get the urge to ruminate so badly. But through time I am finding that it takes more effort to ruminate than it does to sit and live and not pay it any mind. It takes patience and practice.
I hope you look into the book I recommend it. I am only half way through it and it has activities and stuff to journal about its very easy to follow as well.
Also just live. when you live despite something it does lose it's strength. you realize despite the anxiety you more than function you actually live. when you avoid it makes it feel a whole lot worse.
take care
hope to hear from ya soon
EddyJ
I am glad you had a great day. You are in the good category where you are aware of what gets you in too sticky situations and what sord of helps.
Distractions and creativity help because as my therapist said to me, creativity is in the left side of the brain the same side as sex, fear, and anxiety. So it is no wonder i am an artist and writer. I see this ocd thing as a gift not a curse. But definitely mind stimulation while you sit in and let the thoughts float in and out helps a lot. I just picked up a couple of crossword puzzle books that cost like 2$. I figured when I am feeling obsessive i can change my mental focus without feeding the cycle with one of those.
I did read the Imp of the Mind. That book really led me to a lot of my recovery now. But the book I just mentioned to you, this one is finally a book on OCD but the kind that we have. Most of the other books like Stop Obsessing have great tips but it is more for physical ritualizers. Our ritual is mental. We feel like we cannot let an unwanted thought sit in our mind for fear it will come true or we will start believing it.
But thoughts are only thoughts. They are neither ideas or desires, and say nothing about who we are. However what you say to yourself about your thoughts affects how you feel.
I am glad you have this program. It was a wonderful foundation I built to combat this OCD.
It is the same kind of therapy in lesson 10 that I am doing with my specialist.
My advice is this,
Whenever you start to have the thoughts, do not respond specifically to them. Just respond with there goes my anxiety again. or there goes my ocd again. give it a name. I call mine John Stamos lol.
If you respond individually to each thought you will get stuck in the never ending cycle. It produces a lot of anxiety and i get the urge to ruminate so badly. But through time I am finding that it takes more effort to ruminate than it does to sit and live and not pay it any mind. It takes patience and practice.
I hope you look into the book I recommend it. I am only half way through it and it has activities and stuff to journal about its very easy to follow as well.
Also just live. when you live despite something it does lose it's strength. you realize despite the anxiety you more than function you actually live. when you avoid it makes it feel a whole lot worse.
take care
hope to hear from ya soon
EddyJ
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Guest
It's weird how we get the "urge" to ruminate. I can totally relate to that. It's the ruminating that causes all the anxiety and pain, you'd think we wouldn't have the "urge" to do that to ourselves.
I had a decent day today. This morning, the thoughts were there, but kind of in the background more. I just kept thinking..."I'm okay." And just not feeding into them. Almost just ignoring them. It seemed to help again.
Then I was getting anxious in school again, about teaching and performing in front of that other guy, but I just thought..."just do it. You can do it, that's why they gave you this job." And I did it. And I was fine. I was definitely thinking about what he was thinking about me, but then I started to move to a place where I just didn't care as much.
AAHH now that I'm thinking about it, I can feel myself starting to want to dissect the day. But instead, I'm going to focus on something else, like what project I'm going to have them do.
Thanks for the reply. If you ever need to vent, you can always message me too. I'm on this site at least once a day.
Thanks for the response
I had a decent day today
. This morning, the thoughts were there, but kind of in the background more. I just kept thinking..."I'm okay." And just not feeding into them. Almost just ignoring them. It seemed to help again. Then I was getting anxious in school again, about teaching and performing in front of that other guy, but I just thought..."just do it. You can do it, that's why they gave you this job." And I did it. And I was fine
. I was definitely thinking about what he was thinking about me, but then I started to move to a place where I just didn't care as much. AAHH now that I'm thinking about it, I can feel myself starting to want to dissect the day. But instead, I'm going to focus on something else, like what project I'm going to have them do
.Thanks for the reply. If you ever need to vent, you can always message me too. I'm on this site at least once a day.
Thanks for the response
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Guest
I often revert back to thinking like I did when I was a child......how when you met other kids no matter how old they were you were cautious, shy and just wanted to hang onto Mom or Dad the whole day through.....but ONCE...ONCE....you find a commonality, a single thing between yourself and another, that whole world becomes like a big open flower, you feel more confident, more alive, happier and freer.Then your parents couldnt pull you away from this. if it was time to go home...there was a big to do. Its amazing.....I wish at times its easier to have that ability to Just forget about what THEY think and just be happy. To ENJOY the moment. I mean REALLY GET YOUR MIND BODY AND SOUL INTO IT. As adults...our minds are clogged with the everyday doldrums of work, kids screaming and fighting, household chores and such...we just become immune to our happiness. I try to think like a child when I feel this way...not in a stupid way but a clear minded way. Practice makes perfect but I have to go back 40 somewhat years to regain this feeling in my mind.....but it works, it really does. creamcheese