Stress Center Peer Support

To start off my story, I'm 26 years old and I'm blessed with a beautiful family. I've struggled with a lot of things from my past but always have overcome everything with a positive attitude. I have a 6 year old handicapped son whom is totally dependent on me (no in home care) and he does not walk or talk--- he is wheel chair bound. I also have a 2 year old red head that is bouncing off the walls---but none the less, I've always found myself so fortunate and really enjoyed the "little" things in life... up until about the middle of November. We are from a small town (grown and raised here) of about 6,500 people. On November 15th, a young man went into the convenient store that I stopped at everyday and shot and killed one of the most kindest, sweetest, ladies in the whole world (with 11 children!!) I just had a really hard time with this and started questioning everything--- I have always been a worrier and a "what if'er... horribly--- for some reason my brain started to TOTALLY spin out of of control and I was like "WHAT IF I COULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!" God knowing I NEVER could... And Everywhere I went I was worried something bad might happen... then for some reason this just put me in a deep depression (my Pshyc thinks I had been depressed for awhile but it was just suppressed) I totally lost it the one night I came home and for some reason a "vision" went through my head of me stabbing (that is so hard to write out) my 2 year old son! I immeadiately called my sister and she came over I was crying and crying and just wondering if I was going crazy--- I just didn't know what the heck was going on with myself--- I really thought I was losing it! Then anxiety attacks started setting in and I had my family take me over to the Hospital to stay on the "Pshyc Ward" for 3 days--- which was HORRIBLE! I couldn't ever live that way. Then I've been "trudging" everyday just getting a long--- then I had been researching on the Internet about my condition I have and I'll have to tell you that I read this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE story of this lady that drown her five children (that's hard to write out too) and then had that vision of "WHAT IF" I could do something like that?! It totally FREAKED me out! The anxiety just keeps going on and on--- I just want it to STOP!!! I keep giving my son baths and look and say "Why in the heck am I SCARED of a frickin' bathtub?!" Him and I went swimming a lot, we LOVED bathtime, and now I'm scared to give him a bath all because I knew this lady did this to her kids?! So I discussed this with my Pshyc and he said OH MY GOSH! YOU NEED TO STOP reading the internet and you need to realize that she was also schizophrenic, and pshychotic... I KNOW that but "WHAT IF" there I go again!?! What is wrong with me? I've went from the most FUN LOVING, LOVING LIFE, can't wait to spend every moment I'm not working with my kids to this? I want my life back--- I know God has a plan for me and it will be a good one to Glorify him--- I just need help along the way. Lucinda really "spoke" to me through the DVD I watched last night--- it's refreshing to know that I'm not the only one that has been through this--- although I feel SO SO alone right now--- I feel like a freak! Everyone knows me as the most fun loving, outgoing, positive person, and I've turned into being afraid of EVERYTHING! I just want to be a good Mom to my kids again without having weird thoughts and worrying about them--- I know I would never act on my thoughts but you always have that STUPID STUPID "what if" STUCK in your head.... it just freaks me out. I love my family so so so much and I just want them to have their mom/wife back! I'll take any advice!!! I hope everything works out for anyone else suffering from this HORRIBLE thing! God bless each and everyone of you--- may you find the strength in him to overcome this...

"Challenges come so we can grow and be prepared for things we are not equipped to handle now. When we face our challenges with faith, prepared to learn, willing to make changes, and if necessary, to let go, we are demanding our power to be turned on."

Hi Welcome- I'm not use to this new format of posting and it frankly is bothering me. It wasn't like this the other day, yesterday I think.
Anyway, scary thoughts aren't fun and I know that you wouldn't drown your children if you are coming here with your feelings.
That woman was depressed and had several issues involving this event. Keep posting, you'll find that you will feel better as you read other postings of other's and their scary thoughts. Paislee

Hi Paislee,
Thank you so much for you post--- I needed to read that this morning--- it is just getting soooo old waking up every morning and the same thing running through my head allllll day long. I used to get so sad about the thoughts, but now they are just plain MAKING ME MAD!!! I know I could NEVER do something like that--- but it's just always stuck in my head turning over and over----then my anxiety kicks in---- I just want to be the fun loving-enjoy every minute of my life- every little smile from my kids- I just want to get back to that again! Thanks for posting again Paislee, have a great day!

Hello Carrie324,

Could not help respond to your post in that obscure thoughts of this nature were one of my symptoms of anxiety. Your post describes classic anxiety, nothing more. We were born very sensitive to negative stimuli. Our brain digests everything, i.e. disturbing news cast, disturbing news reports, disturbing articles on the internet, ect.. These obscure thoughts naturally pop in our head and we follow these thoughts up with a bunch or irrational "what if's", thus establishing and reinforcing poor thinking habits. This ultimately leaves us in a circle of anxiety, nothing more. The road to insignificizing these thoughts is through education and establishing sound coping skills. Right now you are chasing these thoughts down in an analytical what if nature and creating more variations of these thoughts.

The mere fact that these thoughts initially created anxiety is pure evidece you are incapable of carrying these out. Those who do find comfort in these thoughts and would be nowhere near this website. In regards to "going crazy" this is a common fear as well. Reality is however, those who are "going crazy" are unware they are. You couldn't be more sane. I am employed as a coach for the StressCenter.com and help many help themselves to recovery. E-mail me directly at www.naas621@yahoo.com or www.mikesc21@hotmail.com. I have plenty of information and resources to share. Apparently, anything sent the StressCenter.com private messenger is not working. God Bless and go for it!!!

Hi there Coach--
I am not sure why, but the Carrie324 was not the person that made the post, I was, JR080404. Thank you for what you posted to me--- I keep trying and trying EVERYDAY.....Then I get discouraged thinking "Is this how life is really going to be forever? Then thinking... WOW, Am I really going to "freak out" sometime and really do something bad since it's what keeps going on and on in my head all day long?! I keep thinking someday maybe since I've gone through this horrible nightmare that I'll be able to help someone out. I really appreciate the advice. Thank you for giving me your time and good thoughts, I really really appreciate it! Have a great day!

Hey JR,

Your quite welcome. They key is to practice following these thoughts up with reality based present tense affirmations. It takes time, patience and sustained effort. Reality is you will be helping someone someday who is challenged by these symptoms. E-mail me anytime for support at the aforementioned listed e-mail addresses's.