lacking hope
IN recent posts I've written about my obsession that I'll never be able to be enjoy music again". This has me very depressed and has me thinking about the other times I've ended up in the hospital because I didn't think I could deal with it anymore. The ironic part of it is that those past low points were nothing compared to how I am now. Back then (six,seven years ago)this whole absurd obsession, scary thought thing was all new to me and I was freaking out about going crazy. I would argue with therapists that it was the thought that was giving me anxiety and not the anxiety producing the thoughts. I've read and studied extensively on this and all say the same thing, but I just can't wrap my head around this acceptance thing. Accept that whenever I hear music I'm gonna have these thoughts? I don't think I can do that. I don't know how anybody can. I don't just like music, it is a spiritually uplifting experience for me envelope myself in music. Meditative in some form. The thought of not having that makes me feel so depressed and hopeless. Sure maybe I can get better at living with these thoughts but I just feel like that isn't enough. I want my music back. I see myself avoiding music when it was where I used to go when I was anxious. I know avoidance is the wrong way, I know acceptance is the way, but I don't feel like the tricks I learn through reading, the program, and therapy are worth the time they buy. It's like an intrinsic part of me has died. Yes I am financially stressed, lonely, and graduating college in the worst economic crisis of modern time and I know that increases these thoughts, but the fact is that I just can't seem to get over what I have to do to just be better. Not what I used to be, which was out of my head, witty, and hopeful. I don't want to offend anybody here but I don't have much faith in the idea that I will be able to live like I used to If I follow the program. From what I read there is no cure and I will only learn to live with these thoughts. This seems unacceptable to me. I know In this post everything I've written about is average for all of us who suffer with this problem and that some of you who read this will want to tell me how this low will pass and with time you can be a productive person. I don't want to be just productive. I want to live like I used to. Thinking that life wasn't just suffering I had to overcome. Just exercise, do relaxation techniques and journaling seem ridiculous to me if I can't have my music. If I can't have my sanity. I know all about crazy people don't know they're crazy. They've got it easy. If this isn't madness than there is no such thing. What am I exercising or relaxing for if after all the work I'm only able to just live with not being able to fully enjoy the things I did for three decades. I just don't know
Hello Mack.
I have a similar problem with worrying about the outcome of events when I really don't know for sure what will happen. I have found that with this bad thought connected to what is really an enjoyable activity what I had to realize is that the bad thought will come into my mind first. Instead of fighting against it I just let the thought come and not react to it - just recognize it and say to myself "there's that thought again." The more I just did not react to it the less the thought bothered me. Then just think something else. In your case - go ahead and listen to your music. In my case I just go ahead and do my exercise. I try to focus on what is right in front of me. Listen to the sound. You probably already have done this and I thought this was too simple when someone told me, but it did help me. I felt the fear and just did the activity anyway, even if just for a little while. So I would say for you to listen to some music for just a short while. The fear and worry will still be there - just let your stronger self step in front of it.
I have a similar problem with worrying about the outcome of events when I really don't know for sure what will happen. I have found that with this bad thought connected to what is really an enjoyable activity what I had to realize is that the bad thought will come into my mind first. Instead of fighting against it I just let the thought come and not react to it - just recognize it and say to myself "there's that thought again." The more I just did not react to it the less the thought bothered me. Then just think something else. In your case - go ahead and listen to your music. In my case I just go ahead and do my exercise. I try to focus on what is right in front of me. Listen to the sound. You probably already have done this and I thought this was too simple when someone told me, but it did help me. I felt the fear and just did the activity anyway, even if just for a little while. So I would say for you to listen to some music for just a short while. The fear and worry will still be there - just let your stronger self step in front of it.
Hey Mack,
i agree with SunLion. I have just started the program after suffering from anxiety for the last 7 years. The thought of just "giving up" has crossed my mind a million times, believe me. I have a feeling the thought will cross my mind a million more. But you have to remember that you control your brain, your brain doesn't control you so to speak. I always imagine it as having a child. You will be a miserable parent if your child controls you but if you learn how to control, inspire, teach and communicate with your child things will run a lot smoother. Your brain, i think, needs the same discipline. Its not impossible but i know it isn't easy. We just have to keep trying, eventually we will find something that works. Remember you are in control no matter how much chaos you are feeling. So go ahead and listen to your music. You may feel anxiety but remember that it can't hurt you and it is a natural feeling. Your brain is going into panic mode but remember that you control your brain and you have to teach your brain that your feelings are natural and their is no reason to be afraid. You are fine. Keep your head up.
i agree with SunLion. I have just started the program after suffering from anxiety for the last 7 years. The thought of just "giving up" has crossed my mind a million times, believe me. I have a feeling the thought will cross my mind a million more. But you have to remember that you control your brain, your brain doesn't control you so to speak. I always imagine it as having a child. You will be a miserable parent if your child controls you but if you learn how to control, inspire, teach and communicate with your child things will run a lot smoother. Your brain, i think, needs the same discipline. Its not impossible but i know it isn't easy. We just have to keep trying, eventually we will find something that works. Remember you are in control no matter how much chaos you are feeling. So go ahead and listen to your music. You may feel anxiety but remember that it can't hurt you and it is a natural feeling. Your brain is going into panic mode but remember that you control your brain and you have to teach your brain that your feelings are natural and their is no reason to be afraid. You are fine. Keep your head up.
Did you ever wonder about the millions and millions of dollars Lucinda Bassett has made of telling everyone to accept their thoughts. They're just thoughts. I'm obviously angry and I know that's a stage of recovery, but I have severe doubts about the people I talk to here actually getting better. There's always an excuse. I'm stressed, or I'm sick and all the crap that covers the fact that this horrible condition has got the best of us. I feel I should be apologetic and hope that this post doesn't send anyone over the edge, but I'm past that. I've lost belief in this process and the hope that I will ever be myself again. This whole life is an illusion and if there is a God he is a sick sadist. I'll never be able to just float and accept that my thoughts are not my own. I just graduated with a degree in Psychology and all it did was show me that we don't have the slightest clue if this reality is an illusion or not. Our senses lie to us constantly as do our thoughts. What is the purpose in that? God only helps those who help themselves right? Well how do we ever know if there's a god if results only come when you do the work. Its a scapegoat excuse. I'm starting to finally come to grips with the fact that there is no difference between hope and belief. I hope there is a purpose to all this crap, but I don't know whether I believe a god is out there. Humans are just here and we've become a virus on this planet. NO other being on this planet is so self destructive and separated from nature. Oh, I can just hear your brain as your reading this post. This guy is really depressed, and he is stuck in negative thinking. I'm aware of this. The more I've tried to accept these thoughts the lower and lower I've sank till I've finally reached this point. What is acceptance anyway? It's an illusion, just like security and safety. I've had it with all this crap. I've lost my damn mind and that's all there is to it.
Mack,
I don't think you're depressed and stuck in negative thinking. I think you are just fed up with all of this and I think that is good actually! I've thought the same things you are expressing here. But, I want to tell you that I believe the way you are feeling right now is the beginning of your healing from this disorder. You're feeling like if you just say it's all a lot of bunk and nothing is real and God isn't real, that maybe this can be an excuse to feel like crap. It isn't though, believe me. Sure, we get into a rut sometimes and just want to throw it all away and stay miserable because it's so damn hard to keep trying. I can assure you though, if you keep working at this program, and I mean working hard, doing the workbook, listening to the tapes and applying what you learn, you will see progress. It's totally up to you. This isn't something that anyone can do for you. We can complain and get angry and blame the world and God and whatever, but it gets us nowhere. It's time to look in the mirror and stare into your eyes and ask yourself, "do I want to get better regardless of everything else?" Life is all about decisions, mack. It's all up to you. Either you take the time to get well, live in the moment and look at the good things God has put into your life, or you decide to blame God and people. If you choose the latter, you will stay angry and live your life miserably. I hope and pray you'll choose to work hard and get better. Acceptance is realizing that you have this disorder and it's not easy to live with. BUT, with some work it gets very manageable. Acceptance is knowing that life is not always going to be easy, but your reactions to situations will make it manageable. There is no quick fix. And, even if it's all an illusion, I'd rather be happy in this state then scared and anxious and angry all the time.
My hope is that you start to feel more positive and work hard. I know God is about healing and love and if you turn to him He will guide your steps through this rough patch. Hang on to that branch for a while, mack and get to know yourself inside and you'll be okay. You have not lost your mind by any means. You are "stuck" with your mind, so it's up to you to choose how to mold it.
Good luck and God Bless. I'm believing you will conquer this!!!
I don't think you're depressed and stuck in negative thinking. I think you are just fed up with all of this and I think that is good actually! I've thought the same things you are expressing here. But, I want to tell you that I believe the way you are feeling right now is the beginning of your healing from this disorder. You're feeling like if you just say it's all a lot of bunk and nothing is real and God isn't real, that maybe this can be an excuse to feel like crap. It isn't though, believe me. Sure, we get into a rut sometimes and just want to throw it all away and stay miserable because it's so damn hard to keep trying. I can assure you though, if you keep working at this program, and I mean working hard, doing the workbook, listening to the tapes and applying what you learn, you will see progress. It's totally up to you. This isn't something that anyone can do for you. We can complain and get angry and blame the world and God and whatever, but it gets us nowhere. It's time to look in the mirror and stare into your eyes and ask yourself, "do I want to get better regardless of everything else?" Life is all about decisions, mack. It's all up to you. Either you take the time to get well, live in the moment and look at the good things God has put into your life, or you decide to blame God and people. If you choose the latter, you will stay angry and live your life miserably. I hope and pray you'll choose to work hard and get better. Acceptance is realizing that you have this disorder and it's not easy to live with. BUT, with some work it gets very manageable. Acceptance is knowing that life is not always going to be easy, but your reactions to situations will make it manageable. There is no quick fix. And, even if it's all an illusion, I'd rather be happy in this state then scared and anxious and angry all the time.
My hope is that you start to feel more positive and work hard. I know God is about healing and love and if you turn to him He will guide your steps through this rough patch. Hang on to that branch for a while, mack and get to know yourself inside and you'll be okay. You have not lost your mind by any means. You are "stuck" with your mind, so it's up to you to choose how to mold it.
Good luck and God Bless. I'm believing you will conquer this!!!