Scary thought about hurting my child....

melissaannb · Post by **melissaannb** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 3:30 am

I'm new here. I was on this program years ago and was doing great. Just recently took a trip and for some reason when I returned, after years of being great, my severe anxiety has returned. anyhow - I have a 10 month old beautiful daughter whom I love more than life. I've never even thought about hurting her and last night I started having the most awful thoughts about abusing her! Something I KNOW I would never do but it's almost like I'm now scared to even be around here because I'm afraid of abusing her. I couldn't sleep lastnight because I felt so horrible for what I was thinking and everytime I closed my eyes the images would come back. I wasn't in the middle of a panic attack or anything. I was sitting playing with her and these awful thoughts just entered my head. Has anyone else experienced this? I don't want to be afraid to be around my daughter and I feel so guilty.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 4:31 am

I feel your pain. I had awful anxiety for about two years and conquered it. I got married, had had a complicated but very happy pregnancy. I didn't suffer any anxiety until he was about 11 months old ( I remember because he had just started to walk). I was at busch gardens with my family, and when I got home the same excact thing happen to me it was horrible. I couldn't eat or sleep, and I felt like was I going cookoo.That was two years ago and I have gotten a lot better, but still suffer with this. Just remember that if it were real you wouldn't be scared and asking for help.....This is a horrible thing to go through, just remember that is not real, and focus on something else..I know it's hard, but you can do it. I hope the best for you, and and sure that this will pass.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 5:21 am

Hi Melissa,
I am brand new to this community but I couldn't help
but answer your post and wonder how you are doing now.
I have some experience with hormonal fluctuation problems,
both personally and in my work. They are a lot more common
than most people think and can be caused by real physical
changes in your body. Many GYN's haven't always addressed them
in the past (sometimes not even today). Having had a baby
just 10 months ago takes a lot from you physically, mentally
& nutritionally. This can deplete your body causing these types
of problems. I'm not sure what part of the country you live in,
but even that can contribute to vitamin deficiencies. I'm not
trying to diagnose you but I do think it would be wise to get a
thorough checkup, with specialized bloodwork (thyroid, vit D,
ferritin levels etc.) to see if you are dealing with a physical
problem first. These changes don't always present immediately after birth.
Please don't hesitate to get this very vital check. For you and your baby.

Please update us and know that you are not alone!
Best wishes!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:06 am

I had to respond I suffered with this after the birth of my children. What was supposed to be a wonderful time I suffered with all those horrible thoughts of hurting them. I know I never would but i worried obessessivley over it and ruined what were precious moments.

Those thoughts are nothing more that scar obessessive anxiety ridden thoughts. This forum is full of some wonderful tips/suggestions for why they are occuring + how to manage them.

I wish you all much success in your recovery. take care and God Bless.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 6:49 am

Thank you all for your replies. I've been very sad today because I just can't get this out of my mind and I can see it so vividly. I did have some blood work done just a few weeks ago. Not for this, but I'm sure what i was going thru had to do with anxiety. My thyroid was completely normal. All the blood tests they ran were normal. I just hate thinking about this. i can deal with alot of the anxiety but not the thoughts of hurting my daughter.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:16 am

i am brand new to this orginization and i signed up because am suffering from the same exact thing. i am ayoung mother who recently was diagnosed w a panic disorder. in trying to figure out why i have this i thought so much that i really messed my self up. now i am dealing w obsessive thoughts of child abuse. i absolutely hate it. my son is 3 and he is everything to me and now i am uncomfortable tobe around him. it really helps to see that i am not the only person who is terribly bothered by this.

Lynnier · Post by **Lynnier** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 7:50 am

Jacqueline,
Thank you so much for your reply. This is exactly what I'm dealing with. My panic was not set off by having a child because I've had panic attacks for years. But this new thing of having thoughts about abusing her and being uncomfortable around her is something totally new and disturbing to me. I don't dare tell my husband because he would not understand. He is dealing very well with my anxiety but I think something like this would terrify him. It's hard to voice something that makes me so incredibly uncomfortable.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 8:02 am

i am very lucky to have a boyfriend that has dealt w anxiety issues before so i am able to tell him about these thoughts that just keep creeping into my mind(well some what) but i would never tell my sons biological father about these thoughts. i try to remember that stress caused my severe sensitvity to subjects that already botherde me before my panic disoder, but living with these thoughts is so very hard because even when i am distracted and not thinking them i am always waitingfor them to come back. its like i make them come back. it is enough to make a person feel crazy.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 8:56 am

I used to hurt an old cat of mine. I dont think I REALLY hurt it...but when it peed and pooed everywhere, I did the whole snubbing his face in it, and hitting him on the head so he would learn. He did until another cat came along, and then he was terrible. I shouldnt have named him Lucifer (he's all black, and I live next to a cemetery) - I think I jinxed him. So one day my property manager came along and accidentally let Lucifer go. He never came back, but now I still have Earl. I have made a promise to myself to never hurt him.

I realize that a cat is nothing like a child, but I think it could still be alarming.

I feel like you're all staring at me in disbelief right now. Are you?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:40 am

I'm hoping no one is staring at you and judging you! No, a cat is nothing like a child but that doesn't mean it's not just as important to you as my daughter is to me. Of course, my scary thoughts are much more severe than what you did to that cat! I have pretty severe anxiety, but I'm also wondering if a lot of what I'm going thru is post pardum depression. Can that begin when your child is 9 or 10 months old or is it supposed to start when they are younger? BTW, I work in a vets office. Cat's don't do that kind of stuff because they don't know any better. They usually do it because they're angry or irritated about something. They have total attitude.