so anxious i feel physically ill
I've got myself so worked up and hopeless about this obsession that I'll never be able to enjoy music again that I feel like puking. I've read so much about how ever obsession is beatable, but it just doesn't seem possible. Everywhere I look there are people listening to music and enjoying it when all I can think is i'll never be that way again. Not like I used to be. Once i had the thought It is there for good. Therefore I'll never be able to be the same again. Music will never be an escape for me again and that has me borderline suicidal. I don't know if I can handle the low I having again. I've gone through this several times (its been about five years since the last bad one like this)and every time they almost do me in. I used to distract myself with music and now I can't even do that.
Mack - If you are feeling suicidal you must seek professional help. Period.
You must see that you are doing this to yourself. There is nothing outside of you attacking you. You are not allowing this obsession to be as it is. So what if you can't listen to music right now. It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal but you are making it a big deal. Just allow the obsession to be there. You do not have to react to it. Find other ways to soothe yourself if music is not one of them right now. Count backwards. Do multiplication tables starting with the 9's. (That keeps you focused, believe me.) Go for a walk and pay attention to the sites. Focus on the trees, the flowers, the rain, the clouds. Get the hell out of your head and start looking around you. There is so much to appreciate and to be grateful for.
Music is not for you right now. And, you know something.....when this no longer matters to you, music will be a pleasure again.
Blessings to you, Mack. Keep working hard. You are worth it!!!!
You must see that you are doing this to yourself. There is nothing outside of you attacking you. You are not allowing this obsession to be as it is. So what if you can't listen to music right now. It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal but you are making it a big deal. Just allow the obsession to be there. You do not have to react to it. Find other ways to soothe yourself if music is not one of them right now. Count backwards. Do multiplication tables starting with the 9's. (That keeps you focused, believe me.) Go for a walk and pay attention to the sites. Focus on the trees, the flowers, the rain, the clouds. Get the hell out of your head and start looking around you. There is so much to appreciate and to be grateful for.
Music is not for you right now. And, you know something.....when this no longer matters to you, music will be a pleasure again.
Blessings to you, Mack. Keep working hard. You are worth it!!!!
"Life is not about comfort. It is about living." Dr. Howard Liebgold
I was hoping to hear from you Boon. I had a couple of really bad days (mostly nights) here lately and I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I'll ever be truly out of my head again. All day I look at things and see how I'm building this obsession up that this thought will always pop in my head about music. I can't convince myself that even If I get better music will ever be the same for me again. I've been studying Freedom From Fear and the acceptance of these thoughts just seems impossible for me. Accepting that these thoughts are going to be there for the rest of my life, even if I can manage them, just seems absurd. I don't want to manage these thoughts. I want them to be gone. I'm bewildered by this condition and the thought of managing it isn't a good enough "cure" for me. I'm not going to say that I'm suicidal, but thoughts of giving up are there. YOu say to just leave music alone for a while, but that's just not an option. Isn't that avoidance anyway? I find several contradictions like that through Dr. Liebold's book and they send me off on a tangent that maybe his way isn't the way for me. I just always feel that memory will never allow me to totally release this obsession. I've had it for too long and I can never forget how it has terrified me. You say that it doesn't matter what the obsession is, but if that were true why has this one got me down so much worse than any of the others? I understand the teachings in the book, but I just can't see how exercising and relaxation techniques will ever get me to the point where I'm not in my head about this obsession.
Mack, Do you remember what you learned about expectations? Expectations about anything is something you need to let go of. Whatever you think peace is, let it go. Just let it go. Your peace will come when you allow the thoughts to come and go without any emotional attachment to them. Your ultimate goal is to dismiss the thoughts you hear. No attachment to them. Right now you do not see this but with practice you will get a glimpse of it occuring and then this will motivate you to continue the exercises because the exercises work. If you work them, they will work. You must have patience and most of all you must make it ok to be the way you are right now. This moment. Write down all the wonderful things about yourself. Add one new thing daily. You hate this fear. You hate this obsession so what you need to do is write ten things that you LOVE about it. Yes, there are ten things good about your obsession and more probably. Take your time with both lists but do it, Mack.
ie: Your number one on why you love this obsession could be: I can't carry a darn tune anyway. (This is just an example. You can find funny reasons for loving this obsession.)
Don't take yourself so seriously.
It's easy to love ourselves when things are going the way we want them to. The key is to love ourselves when they are not. When they are at their worst. I know you can do this, Mack.
Read Freedom from Fear again - over and over. 8 times. Pick out the exercises that you can do and do them.
You're worth it.
ie: Your number one on why you love this obsession could be: I can't carry a darn tune anyway. (This is just an example. You can find funny reasons for loving this obsession.)
Don't take yourself so seriously.
It's easy to love ourselves when things are going the way we want them to. The key is to love ourselves when they are not. When they are at their worst. I know you can do this, Mack.
Read Freedom from Fear again - over and over. 8 times. Pick out the exercises that you can do and do them.
You're worth it.
"Life is not about comfort. It is about living." Dr. Howard Liebgold
Thank you so much for your replies Boon. I just can't wrap my head around letting go or accepting a this obsession. I don't think I can ever just be o.k. with a thought that won't leave me alone. It's there almost 24 hours a day and I can't be o.k. with that. It bothers and depresses the hell out of me. I can't fathom a way that it won't. I know all about how to avoid cant's and dont's but I'm so overwhelmed and bewildered by this obsession stuff. I've never obsessed about something so much, and believe me I've obsessed over stuff for months. This is coming up on a year and I don't see how music will ever be the same for me again. I'm doing the work and all I'm experiencing is more and more nasty obsessions along with this music one. Whenever I see someone enjoying music I feel like hell. Whenever I see someone listening to their ipod i feel like hell. Music is everywhere and i just don't want to notice it in a negative way like I am. I honestly feel like this obsession is going to be the one that does me in if it doesn't wane at least somewhat soon. I used to have obsessions about what if I get weird thoughts in my head during sex. I did but after just letting them be there I could be in the moment during the sex. I would realize that I wasn't obsessing and that obsession disappeared. I have them from time to time now, but I can usually let go of them. I listen to my music and the daamn thought is there all the time. I hate it so much that I can't let go. I don't want to have to listen to music without enjoyment. good god