This is where I am, I am not ashamed!!!

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 2:08 am

[copy and pasted from facebook in one of my notes]

This last week has been challenging and my environment is completely diffrent. After a very lengthy discussion, my friend & I decided that the best thing for me was to come to CAMH (center for addiction & mental health for those who don't know). So i came in and i told them everything and I voluntarily became an inpatient. This is like when a caterpillar goes into a coccon in order to transform into a butterfly. Does this make me crazy? No, i don't have to be crazy to be in a place like this but if it bothers you then please by all means just delete me off your friend's list.

I have struggled to work on overcoming my anxiety & depression really hard for 5 years via Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Meditation, Progressive muscle relaxation and many other things. This problem has debilitated me for the last 14 years...that is a little more than half my life. It has controlled most if not all my decisions and cost me many opportunities. This even got me into shiatsu! So it's not all bad and I promised myself years and years ago when i was in my darkest time of my life that I'd use this suffering to help others to overcome their suffering and possibly lead to prevention (obviously not 100% prevention for the world but some prevention). I decided it was best to reach out for help and also to eliminate the distractions that kept me in really high stress.

At first it was really scary and wierd and i had a hard time adapting. I was in this place not knowing anybody and was afraid of the people on the same floor but i came to realize that it's ok. Alot of the people here are really smart, friendly and caring. They may have some things to work through mentally or live with them but this doesn't make them or myself crazy.

Neways, i wouldn't mind visitors as I'm not able to come and go freely. There are only 2 things i ask though.

1, if you are coming here and feeling down about me being here and come out of pity then you might as well not come.

2, I am not in the position to listen to people's problems or play councellor. It isn't a bad thing to tell people about the things they are struggling with but this just doesn't work for me right now. The only thing either of these 2 things do is bring me down and this actually hinders my progress and prolongs my symptoms. If you decide to come and you layout all these problems, don't be suprised if I ask you to leave.

I was afraid at first to let people know that i'm here at CAMH because of the stigma but after talking to a really good friend who understood, I realized that i don't need to be worried. These are the people who are true friends and it just shows they aren't judgemental.

Neways, I will keep updating. I don't know how long I will be here but i don't want to worry about that.

Mike aka Ninjafrodo

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:07 am

Dear Mike:
My thoughts are with you. You are really a brave and courageous person and I so admire your
continued efforts to feel better. You are doing some wise things.
I am so glad that you posted.

Mike, I know you may not be in agreement right now but I think I will pray for you. I pray you don't mind. You see, I happen to know that the Lord loves you and wants you well.
And I certainly do too.

I'm thinking of you and i care about you.
I've been reading your posts for a long time.

Hang in there. It is going to be okay. You are doing the best thing.
I hope you keep posting.

Friend Mary Jane

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 12:14 pm

Cornflower

Thank you for the reply, i do appreciate it as well as the compliments. I agree, it was courageous. It was very hard to do too, let me tell you.

I may not agree with that religeon however I am taught in class that each higher power is basically the same as they are like doors to the same source. Your praying is like my praying but just with a diffrent name. This is how i view it and no, i don't mind. This is something that you feel very strongly about and you are sending good intent my way. I feel honored actually. With all the coincidences that have happened in my life, I agree that whatever the higher power is, it doesn't want me to do well. It wouldn't have given me so many great opportunities to grow, develop and help others.

I feel strongly that this is the best thing as well. It is the most challenging as it forces me to face my Obsessive Scary Thoughts. This is something that i never really mastered in the program and yes I will keep posting.

Mike aka Ninjafrodo

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:05 pm

Hey Mike,

I was afraid at first to let people know that i'm here at CAMH because of the stigma but after talking to a really good friend who understood, I realized that i don't need to be worried. These are the people who are true friends and it just shows they aren't judgemental.

THERE'S NO PITY HERE!! You need to do YOU and thats all that matters...

Just as Mary Jane stated you are a courageous person who is not afraid or ashamed to try out various forms of positive resources available to become better....Kudos to you!!

Please do keep us informed as I also enjoy your posts, opinions and experiences...Best wishes to you Mike!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:29 am

Mike; I have read many of your posts. All seem positive and you always seem to keep striving for improvement. This is just one more step in your journey through eternity. You have made a decision to to take the next step in self improvement. We are all here for the same purposes and I highly doubt that anyone on this site will be very quick to judge anyone else. When we point a finger we have three more pointing back at ourself. However anyone who has gotten support here will be more than willing to offer support when they are capable. Right now I offer a quiet, peaceful happy enrgy to you! May this be one of the best dcisions you have ever made Mike. I will add you to my friends list. Sincerly with prayer and support, Bradley.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:52 am

Thank you both of you. Oh ya i definately will keep you updated. I am writing about my experiences at this place. I am really suprised at all the positive feedback from here and everywhere else. Not once have i gotten negative feedback!!

Oh and happy energy is always accepted and appreciated

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 2:44 pm

Ninja -

How old were you when you started having problems with anxiety? I started in junior high when I was 15. It's been 20 years and I'm still working on it, but I know that I'm going to get better. I refuse to live like this anymore.

I wish you the best and hope you find what you're looking for at CAMH.

JB

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:41 am

I was 12 and i'm 26 now so 14 years so far. that's a little more than half my life. I'm sick of this crap too.

Thank you, I'm sure i'll get where i need to go.

Mike

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 6:12 am

I'm glad to hear you're so positive. I know how hard it is keep on going when life seems to want to beat you down. Sometimes it feels like God is toying with me: "Okay, he got through that one, let's see if he can tackle this!"

How is CAMH working for you? I'm taking some more drastic steps for myself as well. I'm currently on a leave of absence from work and I'm also now on short-term disability through my company that will allow me to work limited hours. It's a bit scary for me to do this because it places a time limit on how long I can be out before the company can let me go. But at least I have some time now where I can focus just on healing and not worry about what's happening at work and how I'm going to get there. Serendipitously, my Attacking Anxiety program arrived the day I started leave, so I'm starting the program full speed ahead.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:19 pm

That is awesome. Ya sometimes it may seem like god is toying with you but in fact it may be to push you in a better direction.

CAMH is alright, they are thinking of moving me to the other location where they actually have a mood type program...group therapy and psychology.

That is a sign when you get the program the first day you started the leave. At least that is how i see it.

Mike