My Onion

[NinjaFrodo]

Ah yes i remember that video. We have talked a few times on these forums. He suggested that I made videos and put them up to. I'll be doing that sometime. Perhaps when i get a new laptop (Mac) then i can do it because it has a built in video cam and microphone.

I agree. We really do need to be our own safe person because everybody else in our lives can possibly leave us and it really does make a huge diffrence especially if we are put in seemingly impossible situations. You know it felt so great when i messaged that one guy who was telling me i shouldn't be dramatic and i told him I like myself, how i think, act and behave. I was on my side and it didn't even matter if he shared my opinion or not. The only person who needs to be on my side is me but i do appreciate when others are on my side as well.

Yes it is very strange actually. I mean I was doing alright and was able to workout at the gym and do my hip hop and yoga and visit people and then after the open house I've become easily overwhelmed and exhausted. Today I'm kinda flipping between ok and exhausted its really strange. Its really quick flip too. One minute i feel like i need to nap and the next i feel somewhat ok and then i go back to exhausted a bit. The thing that has been bothering me is just that I did not have a mat to treat with for the house calls and i did the open house and people could call at any minute to book an appointment with me and I wouldn't be prepared. I just picked up a mat so that part is dealt with but i still need to figure out pricing and print off documents and such.

Well even though i didn't really utilize the 6 steps whenever i would have anxiety or strong emotions, I still pushed through my limitations. I mean i have used the breathing and self-talk when facing limitations in the beginning and it made it so I can do the things that cause me limitation but they still feel like limitations even after doing them for the last 6 years. I would just keep pushing and pushing and pushing beyond the limitations and keep doing it while fighting the anxiety and so i kept the anxiety alive. I do agree that obsessing over perfection is not the way to go because frankly perfection does not exist. You can always improve and become better and better with any skill including this one. There definately were many lessons where i felt the same as you, having trouble moving on but you keep going. I like the cold analogy, its a good one. Its funny though cuz i end up treating my cold the same way i treat the anxiety. I fight it and don't accept that i'm sick and keep trying to be as productive as i was before. At least i did that in the past. It would make the cold last a long time and come back a few weeks later and a few times i got to a point where i just couldn't do anything but rest.

That is a good way to do it, it's just anxiety!

Perhaps but i'm still not sure how i want to do that. Perhaps write more than one book? However i'm realizing that without skills alot of the affirmations would mean nothing to alot of people. Assertiveness for example to some people means to be aggressive and yell and for others it might mean something positive but without the know how it might be useless. However life could then bring them to the things it would take to become assertive. People's definitions would have to be taken into account. I don't know how the average person thinks, I don't think anything like alot of other people so it makes it difficult.

I've decided i'm just going to go through the program the way it is suggested, the one week per lesson. Let me know when you're about to start back up and we will do it together. As for now i'm just going to do lesson 2 until you start.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

So i was seeing this one guy and I've made him realize that he is suffering from anxiety and depression. Or at least i showed him the video of lucinda's story and he has seen some changes in myself and now he is starting to see me more like a brother than anything else. It's kinda sad because the idea of the relationship is gone. It's made me really sad and I am getting obsessive thoughts. This has made me realize something though. I do not feel really connected with others. I want to cultivate this connected feeling and so now I feel like doing more spiritual type things. Maybe buddhist chanting or something like that. Wishing the best for everybody and such. I guess this my new thing now.

I am still working with the program...staying on lesson 2 for now, using the 6 steps daily. I'm noticing i'm not as anxious as before and i flip between feeling exhausted and feeling ok instead of staying exhausted for the whole day. I can see slight changes in how i calm myself down. Things i'm doing don't seem as much like chores but i still get overwhelmed easily. I'm also noticing that i'm more moment living than i was before.

I'm also still going with the affirmations. Listening to them everyday, I have not missed a single day since i made them but i do not listen to them more than once a day. I wasn't actively listening to them, just letting them play in the background but am getting back to actively listening and I feel alot better when i pay attention.



Mike

[THH]

Hello, i'm back. I had some really busy days. They were tuff, I had my mom who is on some new meds. have some troubles, my horse got sick again, business got real busy, I had just about every bill in my box be billed wrong, and I discovered something new about me.
I discovered when things ( life ) start coming at me at a fast pace, I tense up, anxiety, before it would go to panic! Its overwhelm. I worked really hard at making my priorities. I was tense but I did get through it all. I also discovered the fear I create is the fear of fear, what if? Rather than the fear of what I'm dealing with. I told myself 100 times, I am not in control,I felt like everything was a emergency (it was not life or death) So I was able to work at under reacting. I caught myself getting pacey, and feeling anxiety wait for the Dr. to call back, waiting for the vet to call back, dealing with unjustices of wrong billings.
I worked at releasing the pressure I was feeling, it helped. I walked through the wall and did not avoid. Its my thoughts, change them, its your choice. I did good, being a perfectionist I can pick it all apart. The truth is I did it. Survived to tell about it! LOL....

Did you read the post below my onion? It was pretty good. Let me know if you seen it?

Lets start after Labor day. I have a bit more busy time ahead. I have 2 Bds this week end to get ready for. Things should quiet down after this.

Good for you keeping with the 6 steps. And for keeping up with the pushing though, doing what you were wanting to do.

Why do you think you are getting the obsessive thoughts? Because your sad? Also I'm not quite sure what you mean by being connected with others? In waht way?
Remember you are your own safe person. Its ok that you feel sad. Thats normal!!

That is great on feeling the need for a spiritual connection! I feel more connected by my faith. I think for me I was raised with one thing, got older and really didn't think about any of that, then my life started to suffer with sad things I needed to firm up some beliefs.( I also have learned you have to have hope, for something, so you can have faith that it will happen.) I like most people don't have a ton of really solid beliefs, I guess you could say I'm in baby stage with my faith. I have not been a church girl, but have lived a very spirtitual life. Its calming for me to know I am not in control. ( meaning there are somethings I can't change, do anything about, its not my place ect... ) I am in control of my thoughts, actions and what I choose to think to my self, what I feed my brain.
Keep looking you will know when you feel it.

I'm so glad to hear your staying in the moment too. That is really good!!! It also stalls out the what ifs and dwelling on anger.
Good Job Mike!

[NinjaFrodo]

Sounds like life is really starting to throw you more opportunities to grow. You had many things which overwhelmed you, you got the anxiety and you used your skills and got yourself through it. Congrats!

The post below my onion? It is likely to have changed since you posted this reply so i'm not sure which one.

Sure we can start after Labor day. I suggest we start on lesson 2 though. Lesson 1 is really just for people who haven't gone through the program before. I will keep on lesson 2 until then.

Thank you, it is challenging but its really helping and i'm noticing i can be more with whatever task it is that i'm doing, its really awesome actually.

Obsessive thoughts...well yes sad because i felt like i lost something. I don't feel as excited for what they are saying or enjoying how they talk about things that make them excited and joyful. I'm not as interested in what they have to say and I don't have as much fun with them. That is understandable however because I am just focused on how anxious i feel around them. It is diffrent over the computer though.

Ya i also feel like i'm spiritual but not in a religeous way. I'm also only now just starting to let go of my need to control things and to realize that there are some things i cannot control and it is a great feeling. It really releases so much pressure. I just believe every living thing is like a tiny shard of this giant ball of energy. We're all connected by some super consciousness and so whatever we put out into the world comes back and its through this consciousness that determines what opportunities and lessons come our way in order to grow and become better. So i want to do some chanting for the benefit of everybody.

Never thought about staying in the moment stops the dwelling on anger but i do see it with the what-ifs.


Mike

[THH]

Boy I'd say on the more opportunities to grow! LOL.... Its been a marithon!
Tuff old fight as my dad always says.

Yea, the post below my onion. Its still there. there is a link to another sight. I read it and it pretty much says what this program does. little different.

Yes its good to start with 2. I agree. We know that 1st one well.

I understand sad. And it is sad when one does not connect with another person like we think we should. But on the same hand that does not mean something is wrong with you. It may just mean you have to find some people who you have more in common with. As you broaden yourself you will find more people who may have more simular interest. Its hard to blame yourself when you have to force yourself to fit in with things you are not really interested in. That was how it was for me anyways. So I guess I would say why do you feel anxious around them? Somewhere in there is your answer.
Do you think you are more open on the computer? Can you be your true self and be secure on the computer? I think you do very good on here anyway.
Oh that letting go thing....Its a deep one. But it is great relief when you practice it. I am not solid in that one either. But I can reconize when I need to do it, most of the time. Its funny because with each person you have a friendship, or family member the dynamics change and there are so many times we can not expect these things to change. I always open the door for it, and when it happens just like usual I get disapointed. I have been practing to expect the same behavior from the people I deal with, except thats how they are, and do what I need to do to take care of myself, also what I am willing to do to maintain a relationship of sorts.

Who knows what the "Great Mystrey" is about? For me its a higher power. I know there is because there are just too many wonderful things on this earth that science can't prove. Lots of " Miracles" have happened to me in my life. Things have gotten my attention.
One sorta quick story, I had to put my first horse asleep years ago. It was such a sad thing. It tore me up. I was messed up for months. I was talking to my dad and he said, you will get a sign that things are good.
Well one day I was sitting with my dad and husband at the picknick table when I suddenly got up and started walking to my house. I caught myself and wondered why am I going in the house? I chuckeled and turned to go sit down again, and right by my feet was the tiniest bird nest. It was so fragile and beautiful I gently picked it up to show the guys, when I seen it was mostley made up of my horses tail. Peices that I had brushed out and the birds used it. I cried. I kept the gift nature gave me. It was a beautiful symbol to me, that he was free and letting me know I did good.

Thank you for keeping me in your chants! And keep on your journey...

[NinjaFrodo]

I'll check out that one after then.

Perhaps you are right about the connection thing. It may very well be that i don't have much in common with those people. I do not feel that i'm not connected with everybody. I have some friends which i connect very well with and others not so much. I seem to feel anxious around them all though. I feel anxious about talking, forming sentences and actually paying attention instead of being distracted with anxious thoughts.

I can be more open on the computer for sure and I can be more of my true self but of course i still have stuff that clouds my judgement, makes me think slow and not so crystal clear of concentration no matter what communication it is. I feel i also do good on here and thank you for the compliment.

Yeah i have expected people to change and would get upset when they don't. I've done that many many many times and have gotten alot of stress and feelings of hopelessness for that person. The best we can do is take care of ourselves, wish them the best, wish spiritual growth and just accept who they are. We can also laugh at their behavior in our own minds. At least thats what i do with some of it, where people would complain about something and then do nothing to fix it and go through it again and again.

There definately is something higher out there. We wouldn't be here if there wasn't and there are just too many coincidences and miracles as you put it. I to have witness many amazing things!

Wow that is really amazing! One because your dad said you would get a sign that things are good and 2, you actually did get a sign. A very direct sign that you could not just ignore. I had a similar thing where i walked into a book store and bought a book. I had no intention of going in there but i just felt like i had to and i had no idea why i was in there but a book drew me in and i bought it right away and the cashier said it was a really popular book. I read a bit and it made some sense but i think I'm ready to read it now.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

oh by the way...I had a few affirmations on my scripts...like the one where i said life gives me the resources I need to overcome obsticals and how i deserve good things in my life.

Well this might sound a little strange. Since i created that affirmation...I have found a free salvador Dali picture on somoene's lawn that said free stuff, i found free movies, a metro pass for public transportation, money...I'm planning to do a nice christmas thing for someone and a friend of mine happened to have a mini christmas tree on her fridge...i was going to buy hip hop clothing and shoes and that same friend was happening to get rid of those things and I also found a dollar on the ground yestaurday! I'm also having more people call me and communicate with me. It is amazing! A friend of mine messaged me on facebook and said she talked to our hip hop instructor about private lessons and he said we could double up and split the cost of them. I can't really afford that right now but if something were to happen to make me able to afford them, that would be just amazing. Perhaps i'll use the dollar to buy a lottery ticket.

Oh and i think i wanna start a new thread and invite many people to redo the program along with us and we can post things about how we are moving along as we go through it. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Mike

[THH]

Oh WOW Mike, You have been blessed!
That sounds so nice. It sure is good to get those kind of days it will really lift ones spirit! YAY for you!!!!

Just float with it all, go with the flow, enjoy the ride, and see how much effort it takes. I think for me when all goes well I use very little effort. I try to just enjoy it, and don't think about why and all the places we like to visit. Just enjoy the day!!!!
I can't imagine that you would not have people around you. You have been working so hard on self cultivation and you have so much to give, your a good guy, and I know things take time, but your day will come. Take this time to plan what YOU want and need. Enjoy!!!

Let me know where you start a new thread, so I know where to write. I don't read as much on here as I used to, mostly due to being busy. But that is a good thing!
Talk soon.

[NinjaFrodo]

Yay for me!

Yes it is interesting the effort you speak of. Before life took soooo much effort and now it doesn't take as much. Things are coming to me alot easier and I get what i need. I'm not put in those scary and almost impossible situations anymore. I spend alot more time enjoying things.

I do have people around its just that i get so anxious that maybe i make alot of distance between me and other people. I've been told that I have a strong influence on reality and i think feeling anxious, I didn't want to be around people as much and so i'm not. I have worked hard on self cultivation and actually many people find me really interesting and i've even been told that i'm inspiring. I will wait and let time pass and enjoy myself as much as i can until that day comes when the body symptoms aren't there on a constant basis. I'm still figuring out what i want and need.

I bought that lottery ticket and well lets see what happens!

I'll start the first thread in this threads category...the support and each week we'll start a new thread for that lesson. I don't read much of the threads myself because i can easily get overwhelmed. I just look through certain categories and if one jumps out at me then i post in it.


Mike

[THH]

So glad to hear your enjoying things so much better these days!

Now keep in mind, Lucinda says not to wait for these body symptoms to go away, make it a practice session to be around people. Make some chit chat up and challange yourself a little bit. You Can Do This, Mike!!! Be yourself, you don't need to reherse. Just do some baby steps even. Self talk, you do have wonderful qualitys to share. Just smile at a few people or wave or what ever your comfortable with. You have the tools to remind yourself that you have anxiety, and the body symptoms are telling you have anxiety, but keep pushing and you will feel better faster! It will get easier the more you do it. If you don't push your self you will have that anticipatoriy anxiety because now you have to do that "one" thing that you know to cause you trouble! I know how hard it is but that is what I have learned from this program. It does work!

I have trouble figureing out what I want & need to. I think it changes from time to time, Its good be be aware of what you want so you can express what you need. At this stage for me is just a daily thing. Maybe I will get a overall feeling one day.

Would'nt that be something, you win the lottery!
I hope you do!

Ok, sounds good, I 'll look in the support each week! Have a GREAT weekend!